The Fantastic Four

So, the interesting thing is this: if you didn’t know who the Fantastic Four were, you’d have absolutely no idea that this was a superhero movie. I’m not wild about that, but there are aspects of this trailer that I like. The cast is solid. The cinematography looks great, and I was deeply impressed with the originality of director Josh Trank’s Chronicle. If this wasn’t a superhero movie, if it was just straight up SF, I’d be all on board with this promo . . . but there are things I like to see in a superhero movie, namely, you know, superheroes. It seems concerning to me that the movie seems to be trying to hide its origins. (And if you’re looking for a more grounded, realistic film, maybe try not casting a lead who looks like he’s fifteen.)

I’m still going to remain cautiously optimistic for now, but I definitely want to see if the next trailer offers up a different look or is more of the same.

Child 44

I wouldn’t qualify this as a must-see, exactly, but I’m kind of interested in this. I won’t lie: Tom Hardy’s involvement is a big part of my interest, although it’s not the only reason, otherwise I would have seen Lawless or Warrior by now. But anything with a murder mystery will catch my eye, and the rest of this cast (Gary Oldman, Noomi Rapace, Charles Dance, etc.) are similarly fantastic. I could possibly watch this as a rental.

Everly

The general premise of this movie seems to be that everyone tries to kill Salma Hayek in her apartment, while Salma Hayek (sexily) takes them all down. While I rolled my eyes repeatedly during this trailer (the idea that a woman knows how to use a gun! shocking!), let’s be real here: I will almost certainly see this movie at some point in my life. Although I’m considering making it a drinking game movie with only one rule: take a shot whenever someone needlessly strips down into a bra or panties.

iZombie

I’ve been looking forward to this show since I first heard about it last . . . April? May? Whatever, it’s been a while. And guys, I am ALL about this trailer. A zombie M.E. (or possibly assistant) who solves crime, as brought to you by the guy who did Veronica Mars? Yeah, I could be into that. Adding in Zombie Sark, even if he’s just a guest star, is simply adding a cherry to the ice cream sundae. (Actually, that’s a terrible metaphor because I don’t like cherries, maraschino or otherwise. All right, he can be the caramel sauce. It’s not necessary on a hot fudge sundae, sure, and yet it’s never unwanted.)

The internet provides many things we once found elsewhere: rants, recipes, porn, personality quizzes. It’s the main place I look for movie news and trailers, so it’s pretty rare when I go to the theater and see a preview for something that’s not even on my radar. Such was the case many months ago when Mek and I went to see a movie (I’ve long since forgotten which one) and saw a trailer for Kingsman: The Secret Service. We turned to each other and were like, “What was that, and when do we get to watch it?”

Well, we watched it last week. And while I do have some problems with the movie, Kingsman is overall pretty damn fun.

SUMMARY:

Harry (Colin Firth) recruits Eggsy (Taron Egerton), a petty criminal and the son of a fallen colleague, for a shot at becoming a gentleman super spy. Meanwhile, Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) and his, er, particularly cutting associate Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) plot something appropriately fiendish. (If you’ve seen the movie, I’m sorry for the pun. No, that’s a lie, I’m not sorry at all.)

NOTES:

1. Lets begin with this movie’s strongest feature: the action.

MAN. The fight scenes in this movie are cartoonish, violent, fast-paced, and AWESOME. Like, intensely awesome. Just in case the capital letters aren’t indicative enough of how much I enjoyed this, let me be clear: one fight scene in this film has an extremely good chance of winning Best Fight Scene of 2015, and I say that knowing The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Mad Max: Fury Road, and Terminator: Genisys are still to come. Some people deplore this level of gratuitous violence. I, on the other hand, welcome it with open arms.

2. There are, however, aspects of the film that I’m less enamored with. Namely, the female characters.

I know. I’m shocked too. Imagine my shocked face. Cause it’s shocked.

To be fair, Gazelle is okay. I mean, she’s more of a Badass Female Type, not an actual character, but she’s enjoyable enough to watch and she has a few funny exchanges with Valentine, so I’ll take her. But Roxy (Sophie Cookson) — a potential spy recruit pictured above — is so utterly bland that I yawned just looking at her. You know that one character who pops up in high school movies, who’s pretty and popular and so, so sweet and just happens to be dating King Douchebag? That’s basically Roxy; she’s just not dating King Douchebag. The majority of her role in this movie is to say things like, “Just leave him alone!” and “Don’t listen to him, Eggsy!” Because from almost the second we meet her, Roxy’s priorities seem to be less about becoming a Kingsman and more about making sure Eggsy’s precious feelings aren’t hurt. Vomit.

I can’t remember how many Kingsmen candidates go through the interview/training process, but I’m going to take a rough stab and say there are about ten. Ratio of male to female recruits? 8 to 2, and it’s no surprise when the female candidate who isn’t Roxy gets eliminated fast. (Sorry, I’m not even counting that shit as a spoiler because it’s ridiculously obvious who the final contenders for the position are.)

Other female characters include Eggsy’s stereotypical, victimized mother and the Princess. I have a lot to say about both, especially the Princess, but unfortunately that will have to wait until the Spoiler Section. For now, let me just say that neither exactly help a movie that’s already failing on the Worthwhile Female Characters scale.

3. And as much as I usually enjoy Samuel L. Jackson, I’m really not crazy about the lisp.

Now, I’ve seen that Valentine’s lisp was Jackson’s idea and I actually like the reasoning behind it, at least in theory. My problem is this: Jackson is not playing his typical Badass Motherfucker character. Valentine is a villain who causes great violence but can’t look upon it personally; he hates blood and is generally squeamish about getting his own hands dirty. And speech impediments are so often used in fiction to be synonymous with weakness, particularly when it comes to bad guys. Manly men and stone cold killers never have lisps; only sissy villains. You know, guys with mommy issues. If Jackson was playing Evil Nick Fury, I don’t think I’d mind it, but as is, I really wish he hadn’t used one.

4. Colin Firth is pretty great, though.

Millions of women swooned to Colin Firth when he manfully strode around the grounds in a wet shirt as the broody Mr. Darcy, but I came late to the Pride and Prejudice miniseries party and, frankly, enjoyed the Keira Knightley version more. (Yes, yes, I welcome your tomatoes and rage.) I did, of course, enjoy Colin Firth’s modern Mr. Darcy, particularly when he apologized for his rudeness and reindeer sweater, but it might have been his role in Love Actually that totally won me over on Firth’s charm. Still, the guy is an especially unlikely action movie star, so I was delighted to watch him in Kingsman, where he manages to retains all that posh charm from his previous films while just kicking the shit out of EVERYBODY. Fun performance and great casting here.

5. And our main star, Taron Egerton, is pretty solid too.

Eggsy is a funny and likable protagonist who made me laugh at several parts throughout the film. I’m completely unfamiliar with Egerton’s work apart from this, but I’d definitely be willing to watch him in more things.

6. This is, I believe, the fourth collaboration between Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman, and considering their other films together were Stardust, Kick-Ass, and X-Men: Days of Future Past, I’m likely to follow any future movies they create with interest. I’m particularly curious about Jane Goldman because it’s pretty rare when you hear about a female writer in Hollywood, particularly one who’s working in action and comic movies. That kind of thing is exciting to see, although unfortunately doesn’t stop me from having problems with some of the female characters in their work.

In the larger discussion of filmography, though, Kingsman felt very reminiscent of Kick-Ass to me, particularly in terms of its action, choreography, tone, and music. The soundtrack was pretty awesome — they use some songs, like “Free Bird” or “Pomp and Circumstance” to hilarious effect. Funny story about the music, though: Kingsman begins with the song “Money For Nothing,” which immediately made me smile. Shit, I thought, I haven’t heard that song in ages. I should listen to it again when I get home. 

So later I’m at home, right, head-bobbing along to the song as I jot down some notes about the film, and either I’ve never heard the uncensored version before or this is just one of the many songs that I’ve never really noticed the lyrics to because suddenly I’m hearing “that little faggot with the earring and the makeup” and there’s like a cartoon SCREEEECH in my head, and I stop typing and am like, “Wait, WHAT?”

7. Finally, back to tone: like Kick-Ass, Kingsman has a lot of fun playing with tropes, only instead of superhero conventions, they’re playing with spy movie tropes. It’s actually a pretty enjoyable throwback to cheesy James Bond movies — one homage being the unfortunate exception — and while plagued with one or two plot conveniences, Kingsman is overall clever and funny and a pretty good time at the theater.

I just really wish I could change a few things about it.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

First things first: in one of the film’s earliest scenes, Lancelot (Jack Davenport) tries to rescue Professor Arnold (Mark Hamill). I’m mentioning this less because of the scene’s plot relevance and more because I didn’t know either of these actors would be in the movie and was quite happy to see both. In fact, I was all like, “Hi, Jack Davenport! I didn’t know you were going to be here!” And then roughly sixty seconds later, I was like, “Bye, Jack Davenport! It was nice seeing you before you got all bisected!”

Mark Hamill’s inclusion was particularly awesome for two reasons: one, cause it’s Mark Hamill, and two, Kingsman is apparently loosely based on a comic by Mark Millar, and in the comic Mark Hamill himself gets abducted. It’s a nice nod to the source material. Unfortunately for Professor Arnold, his fate isn’t much better than Lancelot’s: a chip implanted in his neck self-destructs, blowing up his head. I had no earthly idea at the time how much head-splodey carnage this scene was foreshadowing.

But backing up many, many years: Harry (or Galahad) feels guilt over the death of a new spy he recruited into the business, so he gives this medallion thing to a very young Eggsy and tells him he can use it anytime to call in a favor. Fast forward maybe fifteen years later, and Eggsy’s life isn’t going so hot, having dropped out of the marines and living at home with his mother, baby sister, and abusive stepfather.

The mom, in particularly bugs me, partially because her entire story is about waiting for a man (in this case, her son) to rescue her, and partially because she comes off as weirdly trashy, even though that’s not how she struck me at all when we first met her. I’m not saying your life can’t spiral downwards after you lose somebody, of course, but this . . . it kind of reads like her husband was the only thing saving her from being a useless sack of rags, and now that he’s dead, well, of COURSE she fell into a tragic situation like this. Single mothers making it work, ha. We all know that doesn’t happen.

I fully admit that I could be reading too much into this. But I find the mother’s complete lack of agency disturbing, particularly in a story about domestic abuse, and the transition from Grieving-But-Seemingly-Good-Parent to Ignoring-My-Baby’s-Tears-Because-Christ-I-Need-A-Cigarette-Parent seemed really jarring to me.

Anyway, Eggsy uses his favor to get out of jail after the most superbly unrealistic joyriding scene ever and gets recruited to compete for Lancelot’s now-open spot in the Kingsmen/Knights of the Round Table. (And I know this isn’t important, but I’ve gotta say that if you’re gonna base your entire secret spy agency on Arthurian mythology, don’t you think you’d spring a few extra bucks for an actual round table? I’m disappointed in you, gentlemen.)

Merlin (Mark Strong), using an odd Scottish accent that didn’t sound particularly consistent to my admittedly untrained American ears, warns the recruits that this will be the most dangerous job interview any of them have ever encountered. He hammers this in by having all of them write their names and next-of-kin addresses on body bags.

Still want to join?

Eggsy has one of my favorite reaction shots in the whole movie when he looks at everyone else, all like, “Uh, guys? Is everyone else seriously okay with this?” Nice Girl Roxy assures him that it’s just a scare tactic, but she seems to be wrong when the only other girl candidate is killed in their first test.

I say seemingly because of course Other Girl doesn’t really die, something I suspected early on but figured out for sure when they let King Douchebag live. (I refuse to look up his actual name. He doesn’t have enough character to merit a real name.) See, the competition has whittled down to three candidates, and they’re exactly the three you expect: Eggsy, Nice Girl Roxy, and King Douchebag. K.D objects to Eggsy because of his lower class status. (There’s a whole classism theme to this movie. It’s about as subtle as a bag of bricks to the head, but really, I didn’t mind it.) In the loyalty test, the candidates are knocked out, tied to train tracks (with a train hurtling towards them, naturally), and asked to give up their employers.

King Douchebag, of course, immediately sells out the Kingsmen, but not only do they let him live, they send him on his merry way with his memory fully intact, despite the fact that these guys totally have Amnesia Darts.

This told me two things:

1. The supposedly dead girl wasn’t dead after all because you don’t kill some recruits and not others, especially if the ones you let live are the ones who showed willingness to betray you.
2. The Kingsmen are idiots.

Honestly. If you’re not even going to use your Amnesia Darts on a spiteful kid who fails the LOYALTY TEST, how do you expect to keep your super spy agency a secret anyway? I simply don’t believe it. King Douchebag later shows up at an inopportune time to screw Eggsy over, but IMO, the real reason he doesn’t get his mind wiped after failing is because they’d have to do the same thing to Eggsy, as he also flunks out, and that would create serious plot problems with the movie. I know it sounds like a minor thing to complain about, but it’s actually a semi-serious plot convenience problem for me.

Meanwhile, Eggsy passes the loyalty test. Unfortunately, he still loses the Lancelot position because he refuses to shoot his dog.

See, the recruits all get a puppy at the beginning of their training, presumably to teach them responsibility or something? Shit, I can’t remember what BS reason they give for it. The point is, Mek and I are looking at each other, going, “Oh yeah, the recruits are totally gonna be forced to kill their dogs.” (Interestingly, this is also the Final Test that Cooper fails in Dog Soldiers, although — minor spoilers — since Liam Cunningham and his merry band of soldiers are actually first grade assholes and not gentlemanly at all, they kill their dogs for real, not just shoot them with blanks. Eggsy doesn’t find out about the blanks until later, of course.)

Meanwhile, it’s not all training and possible dog murder. Valentine and Gazelle are busy kidnapping celebrities, political figures, and a variety of other prominent rich people. Some of them return after agreeing to Valentine’s nefarious schemes, each with a chip implanted in their necks (like the ill-fated Professor). Others, like the Princess, are locked away where they can’t tell anyone about said nefarious schemes. It turns out that Valentine wants to save the planet by drastically reducing the population, which he plans to achieve via all those chips which, when activated, emit a Homicidal Motherfucker Impulse to try and kill the hell out of everyone around you.

They test this on a small church/hate group in America that’s basically the Westboro Baptist Church. Harry knows something is supposed to happen and goes to investigate. Before he can escape, though — and his little speech to the uber religious woman next to him is a thing of beauty — Valentine activates the chips.

And then Harry kills EVERYBODY.

You guys, this scene. This SCENE. This is one of the best fight scenes I have ever had to privilege to watch. Nothing could have prepared me for this glorious, wanton violence — and the thing was, I thought I was prepared for all the glorious, wanton violence. I knew going in that there was at least one scene where normal people were going to attack the hell out of each other (I figured it out from a review unrelated to the film), but holy SHIT, you guys. This scene alone makes this movie worth watching.

As I’m watching this thing of beauty, a distant part of my brain — whatever lobe is directly responsible for writing emotional H/C fanfic – starts thinking, Man, if Harry makes it out of this movie alive, he’s going to have some serious angst. Cause sure these particular churchgoers are all terrible people with terrible opinions, but they’re also all innocent people, and our mentor hero just killed the shit out of them.

Well, he doesn’t. Make it out alive, that is. Harry exits the church to come face to face with Valentine and instead of McDonalds, Harry gets a bullet to the head. I figured early on that there was a decent chance our dapper spy wasn’t surviving the movie, but the moment is still startlingly abrupt and I definitely had one of my “Jimmy, noooooo!” moments because Colin Firth is just seriously the best in this.

Arthur (Michael Caine) turns out to be evil, surprising no one, so it’s up to Eggsy, Nice Girl Roxy, and Not-So-Scottish Merlin to save the day. And I should say here that I do like the fact that Nice Girl Roxy becomes Lancelot — I just wish she got more to do. See, the plan is that Eggsy and Merlin will sneak into Valentine’s little paradise for all the celebrities who joined in on the Die, Poor People, Die plan. Meanwhile, Nice Girl Roxy has to conquer her fear of heights by going up into space and taking down the satellite that Valentine needs to activate the chips worldwide.

Really? Must I?

Which sounds important but it’s really not and mostly just serves to sideline her from all the real action. Better luck next time, Lancelot.

Then Eggsy gets to dress up super suave because to sneak in, he has to pretend to be Arthur. (Thankfully, Valentine doesn’t personally greet all his arriving guests, otherwise their plan would be totally fucked from the start.) He doesn’t look half-bad actually, even with his giant gentleman glasses.

Unfortunately, he’s discovered almost immediately because King Douchebag is naturally there. (Seriously, people. AMNESIA DARTS.)

In what’s probably the second best scene in the movie, Merlin manages to hack into all those chips and activate the self-destruct button. “Pomp and Circumstance” plays as hundreds of heads explode into colorful confetti — it is the funniest damn thing. I can’t even tell you.

But even with all the collaborators dead, the world is still at risk. Nice Girl Roxy took down her satellite (and pretended to have trouble as she fell back to Earth, as if anyone seriously believed she was in any real danger), but Valentine quickly borrows another satellite. Just like that, all the innocent people on Earth start killing each other again, so Eggsy goes to kill Gazelle and Valentine. Merlin seems free to go help Eggsy with that but instead opts to chill on the plane because of . . . Reasons?

One of the good-turned-suddenly-homicidal people is, of course, Eggsy’s mom. I assumed that she would at least get to attack her abusive husband during this worldwide brawl, but for some reason he’s entirely absent, and we just see her try to kill her baby daughter instead. The women roles in this movie are so disappointing.

Eggsy manages to kill both Gazelle and Valentine. Valentine isn’t hard, as he’s looking away from the violence and doesn’t see that he’s in danger. (He looks away when he shoots Harry in the head too, and despite my sorrow for Colin Firth, I was amused when Gazelle was all like, “Isn’t killing great?” and Valentine was all, “Christ no, this is horrible,” and Gazelle is like, “Wait, what?”)

Then Eggsy goes back to the Princess.

Le sigh.

So, yeah. Eggsy discovered the Princess — she’s an actual Swedish princess, BTW, in case that wasn’t clear — a little earlier, but was too busy saving the world to let her out right then. The Princess — who has seemed like a perfectly normal person thus far — suddenly says, “If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.”

And . . . look, it’s a funny line? I mean, I did laugh. Eggsy’s very blank-faced, “I will be right back,” was a good reaction too, but I was really hoping the Princess was just lying to give him extra motivation to get her the hell out of there or something because the whole princess in the castle thing is not a trope we really need to keep going. But of course she does have sex with him, and not only that, but we’re treated to a ridiculously gratuitous shot of the Princess’s ass. And hey, I’m actually not the feminist usually arguing against gratuitous nudity (I just want more equal opportunity eye candy, that’s all) but this was just ridiculous. In a film already chockfull of subpar female characters, the Princess is just the worst. Her whole character basically boils down to being a Sex Trophy.

And guys, I do get it, that it’s a James Bond homage and all, but I don’t care. Just because it’s an homage doesn’t mean I have an obligation to like it.

And — well, that’s basically it. Eggsy, now not just a man but a Kingsman, gets to save his mom and beat up his stepdad, which is a nice callback to an earlier scene with Harry, although it still keeps the mom from having even the slightest shred of agency in this film. Presumably, Eggsy, Nice Girl Roxy, and Merlin all continue saving the world, and now that Arthur’s seat is open, maybe we can continue our charge towards modernity by adding another woman to the round table, or a guy who isn’t actually white, or hey, what about a woman who isn’t actually white?

Come on, potential sequel. If you ever get made, I will expect some diversity from you.

QUOTES:

Harry: “I’m a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.”

Harry: “Boys, I’ve had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is — and I’m sure it’s well-founded — I’d appreciate it if you could just leave us in peace until I’ve finished this lovely pint of Guinness.”

Harry: “Did you see the film Trading Places?”
Eggsy: “No.”
Harry: “How about Nikita? . . . Pretty Woman? . . . all right, my point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path you needn’t stay on. If you’re prepared to adapt and learn, you can transform.”
Eggsy: “Oh yeah, like in My Fair Lady.”
Harry: “Well, you’re full of surprises. Yes, like My Fair Lady.”

Eggsy: “What does this do? Electrocute you?”
Harry: “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a hand grenade.”
Eggsy: “Shut up.”

Lancelot: “I suppose asking for a cup of sugar would be going too far.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Totally enjoyable film. Amazing action sequences. I’ll probably own it on DVD for the church scene alone. But I’m still knocking it down a letter grade, mostly because of the bullshit female characters. Sorry, guys, but you had plenty of opportunities, and it’s 2015. I expect better.

MVP:

Colin Firth

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

Being a hero isn’t about what class you’re born into. Rich or poor, it doesn’t matter: if you fight to save the world, you apparently deserve a piece of ass at the end.

Netflix’s Daredevil comes out tomorrow and nerds ’round the world are pretty jazzed about it — all except me, it seems. Don’t get me wrong: I do plan to watch the series. I even figure I’ll probably like it, assuming all the buzz it’s been generating for the past few weeks is worth a damn. But I’m just not as excited as I’d like to be, partially because I was underwhelmed by the first trailer, and partially because I’m — perhaps unfairly — annoyed by EW’s recent review, where they refer to it as a superhero show “specifically for grown-ups,” unlike all those other “juvenile” superhero TV shows that I’m passionate about. It’s interesting when a review makes you feel like a scolded child for enjoying something.

Anyway. New Daredevil got Mekaela and I talking about old Daredevil, naturally. People are eager to talk shit about that movie, and it’s not like I loved it, either, but I found myself wondering — was it really as bad as everyone said? People can be prone to over exaggeration, after all, and Ben Affleck’s been a pretty easy target for the last fifteen years or so. Then again, that’s basically what I thought about Fantastic Four, too (sans Affleck, obviously), until I rewatched it last year and discovered, No, it really IS a pretty crappy movie. I felt like I needed to give Daredevil the same chance.

My verdict?

Well, let me put it this way: Daredevil the TV show? It can’t possibly be any worse.

DISCLAIMERS:

This is a terrible movie that came out the year I graduated high school. As such, there will be SPOILERS throughout this review, and I’m not in the least bit sorry about it.

SUMMARY:

Matt Murdoch (Ben Affleck) is a stupidly chivalrous lawyer by day and a merciless vigilante by night. He’s also blind, but the accident that caused his blindness helpfully enhanced his remaining senses, giving him a kind of sonar vision. Anyway, his life isn’t going all that great until he meets the beautiful Elektra Natchios (Jennifer Garner). It’s all love in the time of superheroes until Kingpin (Michael Clark Duncan) hires an assassin, Bullseye (Colin Farrell), to start killing people.

NOTES:

1. Seriously, guys. This is SO MUCH WORSE than I remember it being.

A lot of it’s Affleck. I won’t lie about that. It’s certainly not ALL Affleck — Daredevil, like Batman & Robin, has very little actually working in its favor, and hanging the entire flop on the leading man’s head seems unfair in the extreme. The script is just atrocious and gives Affleck almost nothing to work with. It’s important to acknowledge that.

It’s also fair to acknowledge that this movie may showcase the worst acting of Ben Affleck’s career, and guys, I’ve seen Phantoms, so you know this shit is bad. Affleck basically has one expression the entire movie, and it’s miserable. I mean, Matt Murdoch is supposed to be unhappy, sure, but this doesn’t work. I assume Affleck is shooting for broody and conflicted; instead, he mostly just ends up at mopey. (It’s also very hard to shake the idea that Affleck isn’t really acting here, which makes me a little sad. You want to imagine acting as a generally joyful experience, don’t you?)

But yes. It’s a pretty poor performance. Nearly every line delivery is flat. The voiceover especially — my God. If I ever make a Top 10 Worst Movie Voiceovers list, this one is definitely going on it. And while I am most certainly not an expert on blindness . . . I watch Affleck in this movie and I just don’t buy it at all.

Ben Affleck’s best moments in this movie are probably whenever he’s flirting with Jennifer Garner. And let me be clear — these are not good scenes, which I’ll discuss further in the following notes. But the actors, perhaps unsurprisingly, have decent chemistry with one another, and Affleck seems the most at ease in her presence. If they had actually been provided decent material, perhaps their relationship might have been romantic instead of, you know, creepy and ridiculous.

2. Let’s discuss Matt Murdoch and Elektra Natchios’s meet-cute, or as I prefer to think of it, That Time Where Daredevil is a Total Creeper.

Okay, so Elektra and her Stupidly Fake Green Eyes walk into this restaurant when Matt and his lawyer buddy, Foggy (Jon Favreau), are hanging out. (Foggy gives Matt a bottle of mustard and pretends its honey, which proves less that he’s terrible and more that he’s incredibly stupid. Seriously, the mustard bottle is shaped like, well, a mustard bottle, and the honey bottle is shaped like a bear. You don’t need super senses to see past that trick, genius.) Matt immediately smells Elektra’s beauty because we all know that beautiful people smell like rose petals and joy, while ugly people smell like sweaty jockstraps smeared with tuna. Matt gets up to hit on her, his primary flirtation technique apparently Passive Aggressive Shaming. Elektra doesn’t give her name before quickly leaving, and that really should be all that happens.

Instead, Matt also leaves the restaurant and follows her like a creepy stalker. When Elektra catches him, Matt just says, in a charming and reasonable tone, that he only wants her name. You know. Like he’s entitled to it. Like that’s absolutely an acceptable reason to follow a woman out of a restaurant and start trailing her around the city. Unfortunately, neither Elektra nor anyone else in this movie calls Matt out on his totally disturbing behavior, but to prove that she’s a Tough Girl, the two spar like total weirdos in the middle of some playground.

It’s not the saddest fight scene I’ve ever seen, but . . . it’s pretty sad.

I’m aware that fight scenes have probably come a long way in the last twelve years, but this is kind of ridiculous. It is so SLOW. Fight scenes this slow don’t belong in movies that were filmed after 1990. The Matrix came out four years prior to Daredevil; this movie has absolutely no excuse. It’s like Matt and Elektra are fighting in slow motion. Point of interest, this is also how they’ll have sex later in the film.

3. The best thing I can say about Matt and Elektra’s relationship is that no one says the ‘L’ word. Which THANK GOD because they’ve known each other for like five seconds, and there’s only so much I can take. Still, even without saying it, these two act like they’ve been in love for years, which is completely and utterly ridiculous.

A Timeline of Matt and Elektra’s Super Love

Matt stalks Elektra in order to win her name. Elektra gives him said name because all she’s ever really wanted was a worthy opponent who she could still best in combat.

Elektra sends an invite to this near total stranger for her father’s fancy dinner party, which he doesn’t plan to attend because she’s too good for him and he’s so tragic and blah blah blah.

Elektra somehow finds Matt walking on a random street. He immediately takes her up to his special rooftop spot so he can see her beautiful face in the rain.

He almost leaves to fulfill his Vigilante Duty, but she persuades him to have slow-motion sex with her instead.

Matt does go to the party, and they flirt a little before being rudely interrupted by Elektra’s family drama, which is another way of saying that Elektra’s father is murdered, and she mistakenly believes Daredevil committed the crime.

Elektra stabs Daredevil but instantly realizes her mistake when she finds out that he’s Matt Murdoch after all, presumably because she knows him so well after their one-and-a-half date. It never even occurs to her that Matt could’ve killed her father, which I find hilarious. Anyway, she goes after Bullseye and is quickly killed, so Murdoch can be all, “Nooooo! I didn’t think my life could possibly get any worse, and then my soulmate was shoved in a refrigerator! Curse you, Bullseye! CURSE YOU!”

4. It sucks, too, that Elektra gets her ass so thoroughly handed to her. It’d be one thing if Elektra and Bullseye had this awesome fight and she ultimately lost. I’d get that. But Bullseye kicks the shit out of her, like, it is zero contest, which is genuinely disappointing. Not to mention bizarre — how is it that Elektra defeats Daredevil twice but can barely put  up a hint of resistance to Bullseye, while Daredevil handily takes out both Bullseye and Kingpin? That is some wonky shit. (I suppose, to be fair, a sniper does give a timely assist with Bullseye.)

5. But I have to admit something now, no matter how much geek cred I instantly lose: I find Colin Farrell as Bullseye kind of delightful.

To say that he’s good would be a lie, of course. Farrell’s performance is insanely over-the-top; he does the vast majority of his acting by bugging out his eyes. And if Daredevil was an intentionally campy movie, I don’t think this would necessarily be an issue. The problem here is that Daredevil clearly wants to be dark and tragic and can’t even remotely stick the landing. The story is ridiculous, the villains are silly as hell, and the writing is so, SO TERRIBLE. None of it’s particularly good on its own, and thrown together, it’s a hot mess of ludicrous proportions.

Still. That scene where Bullseye looks totally panicked on the plane, like his brain might explode if that harmless old lady keeps yakking at him? Man, that shit still makes me giggle. Like you’ve never fantasized about killing an annoying passenger on a plane with a peanut before. Don’t front.

6. Overall, the plot is pretty weak, particularly in how it feels like the story doesn’t really start until Matt meets Elektra, which is about 33 minutes into the movie. Seriously, coming up with the earlier plot summary was actually kind of hard — the movie spends a lot of time setting up the story and introducing all the various superhero tropes, but the actual plot itself? Thin. Infuriatingly thin, like when you find a super cute shirt at the store, only the shirt turns out to be an extra small instead of the large you were promised by the lying liar of a clothes hanger, and of course it’s the only one left, and you’re like, “Holy Jesus, maybe this would have fit me in the second grade, you know, before I started developing breasts.” It’s just like that, and I totally wasn’t venting about every shopping trip I’ve ever taken ever ever ever.

Daredevil also fails when it comes to the common superhero dilemma: To Kill or Not to Kill.

So, Matt Murdoch begins firmly on the side of killing people, as evidenced when he throws some skeezy rapist (Paul Ben-Victor) in front of a fucking train. Hilariously, no one seems very bothered by this; like, I get the cops don’t want to acknowledge he exists and all, but they’re ignoring some crazy huge evidence to do so, like not only does Daredevil leave a calling card, but it is literally on fire.

And the only person who does believe in Daredevil is an investigative journalist namde Ben Urich (Joe Pantoliano), who apparently is also Daredevil’s No. 1 fan, since upon uncovering Matt’s secret identity, fails to turn him in or even bring up basic concerns, like, “Have you ever thought about not murdering people?” I’m not wildly sympathetic to rapists myself, but there is almost zero discussion about how the hero of our movie occasionally, violently kills people. The only person who argues against it is a priest, and come on; he’s a priest, and he’s only got maybe two minutes of screen time, anyway.

What makes all this even funnier is how, at the end of the movie, Daredevil learns the Will to NOT Kill. Like I said earlier, this is not a particularly original arc — hell, it’s Oliver Queen’s ongoing dilemma on Arrow — but what’s fascinating here is that Matt Murdoch mostly just skips having an arc at all and comes to the morally correct conclusion without bothering to actually go through the lesson. Seriously, a priest says he can’t condone murder, and one time Daredevil accidentally scares a little boy and tries to reassure him that he’s not the bad guy. That’s it. That’s all. The amount of screen time devoted to Matt figuring out that Killing is Wrong is under a minute. (Also, at the end, Daredevil says that with Elektra’s help, he didn’t just save the city; he saved himself. And — what? HOW?)

And the best part — I’m talking the cherry on the homicide hot fudge sundae best part — is this: Daredevil takes the Better Path and chooses not to kill Kingpin, the man who murdered his father, approximately five minutes after he throws Bullseye through a fucking church window to his doom. And you can’t argue this is self-defense or anything; Bullseye is on his hands and knees, literally begging for mercy, when Daredevil picks him up and tosses his ass out. It’s, what? A four story drop? At least? Bullseye’s body smashes into Joe Pantoliano’s car, thankfully not killing Joe Pantoliano. Meanwhile, Daredevil leaps from rooftop to rooftop, presumably thinking, You know, Father Everett was right. Maybe murder IS wrong. (Hysterically, Father Everett — who has just watched Matt kill someone in the House of God — is suddenly like, “You go, dude! Annihilate that fucker!”)

(Although apparently — as I just found out by glancing at Wikipedia — Bullseye is supposedly still alive? I guess someone cut a later scene with Bullseye in the hospital, recovering from his injuries with his magic aim still intact. And this is where I declare, “Bullshit, sir.” One, it is incredibly unlikely Bullseye would live through that. Two, there’s no legitimate reason that Daredevil would suspect Bullseye could live through that, meaning Daredevil still tried to murder that asshole. And in my mind, did. There will be no convincing me otherwise; that dude be dead.)

7. Finally, let me just go over my list of random, miscellaneous shit that needs to be discussed:

7A. Seriously, that voiceover. There’s very little to like about this movie, but the dreadful narration may actually be the absolute worse thing. The script is horrific. It is chock full of shitty cliches and wastes a lot of time telling you things that you can already see. Adult Matt tells us (in a voice utterly devoid of inflection) that he trained to be a Man without Fear as we watch Little Matt training. Adult Matt tells us that he gained a kind of sonic sight as we see a pretty clear representation of Little Matt seeing the world with his ears. Eventually, it’s like, “Dude! Stop giving me exposition for things that I am currently watching!”

I figured that the awful narration would finally go away after the first twenty minutes of prologue. I was wrong. I was so horribly wrong.

7B. Oh, about the whole Man Without Fear thing? Seriously, writers. Shut the hell up. Yes, I’m aware that it’s the superhero’s nickname from the comics, but the way you use it here? Bullshit. The father and son training to be fearless was pretty hokey from the get-go, but then suddenly everyone’s calling Daredevil “The Man Without Fear” any real explanation? Please. Work harder.

7C. Here’s a question — mostly because I don’t feel like looking it up right now: did Daredevil really sleep in a sensory deprivation tank in the comics?

I mean, I get the idea — I guess — but this seems like a really good way to accidentally drown in your sleep. Who finally killed Daredevil? Bullseye? Kingpin? Nope, it was his water-filled sleeping casket. Whoops.

7D. Another question — does the movie ever give a reason that Joe Pantoliano wanted to talk to Matt Murdoch anyway? I mean, this is well before the dude finds out about the cane — is it just because Murdoch was involved in scummy rapist’s court case? Maybe I missed some dialogue because I was too busy groaning at the shitty narration or something, but I was never clear about this — and it is kind of important because if Pantoliano never tries to talk to Murdoch, he never puts it together that Murdoch is Daredevil and thus never warns Daredevil that Elektra is in danger. (Admittedly, Elektra ends up dead either way until the sequel, which if memory serves is actually even more appalling than this movie.)

7E. Speaking of that court case — why in the hell is the court room green?

Seriously, this is the kind of colored filter that’s usually reserved for morgues or alien bunkers. What in God’s name is it doing in this scene?

7F. I do get why people are worried about Ben Affleck as Batman, considering his Daredevil does kind of come off as a pretty piss poor imitation of the Dark Knight. I would definitely prefer it if Bruce Wayne could have more than one facial expression during the whole movie. That being said, I stand by my original claim: Daredevil was made over ten years ago, Affleck has grown as an actor, and superhero movies have seriously grown as a genre. I still have some reservations, but I’m willing to give the guy a chance.

7G. I do hate Daredevil’s costume, though. There’s something about the red here that doesn’t quite work for me, although I can’t quite place what it is. I also despise those horns. And I wonder if the costume was particularly hard to walk in because Ben Affleck moves kind of funny in this movie.

7H. There is something about the soundtrack that is super intrusive. I don’t object to the music itself — hell, I like some of the songs — but they pop up at weird times, like “and song . . . HERE!” It’s kind of hard to describe, but it keeps taking me out of the film. (Not that this is necessarily a bad thing.)

7H. Oh shit, I forgot about the CGI! (Seriously, I wouldn’t have made Note 7 this many parts if I’d realized how much shit I still had to talk about.) Cause, guys. GUYS. The special effects are BULLSHIT. The CGI in this movie is primarily limited to city landscapes and buildings, but it is hilariously bad. I would have thought mid-late 90’s for sure, not early 2000’s.

7I. Finally — and I don’t know why — but the scene where Matt Murdoch’s super bitchy ex-girlfriend breaks up with him over the answering machine? Mek and I cracked UP at that. “Are you there? Of course you’re not there. You’re never there. At least, not for me.”

It’s okay, Ex-Girlfriend. I’m sure you’ll find a man who returns your phone calls, sleeps in a normal bed, and doesn’t determine beauty purely by scent.

QUOTES:

Matt: “Stop hitting me.”

Matt: “I’d rather just end it before it starts.”
Foggy: “That’s gotta be some kind of record, Matt. You just completely bypassed the whole relationship phase and went right into the breakup.”

Elektra: “Good answer.”
Matt: “I thought that might be the right answer.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Bad. Just bad all around.

MVP:

Hate me all you want, but I’m giving it to Colin Farrell. Though I do like Michael Clarke Duncan too. He’s also campy, but in a less bulging eye way. His reaction to Daredevil’s secret identity is kind of the best. Oh, hell, just give it to both of them.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

C-

MORAL:

Killing is WRONG when it comes to avenging your father. But it’s not so bad if you’re avenging this lady you slept with that one time.

It’s 10:00 p.m. Thursday night. I’m sitting in an aisle seat at the Roxy Theater and the Marvel credits have just started to play. My little hands are clasped loosely together. I can actually feel the childish hope written all over my face.

Overall, Avengers: Age of Ultron is fast-paced, funny, and pretty enjoyable, especially for a movie that’s 2 1/2 hours long. Despite that, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed with the finished product.

SUMMARY:

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) makes what is, in hindsight, a fantastically bad call when he attempts to create an AI named Ultron (James Spader) to protect humanity. When Ultron decides the best way to protect humanity is to kill the hell out of it, the Avengers try to take him down. Team infighting and big action sequences ensue.

NOTES:

1. Let’s start with what works surprisingly well: Ultron.

Those of you who read this blog with any regularity already know how I feel about Marvel villains: by and large, they suck. They are boring as shit. Loki, I love. Loki is amazing. Beyond that, though, there are only a few semi-decent villains out there. The vast majority of Marvel bad guys have next-to-no personality and all seem to desire the same dull things. You know that old adage about a movie only being as good as its villain? Marvel alone has proven that to be false.

Ultron, though, is pretty awesome. Not because he wants anything so spectacularly original — the destruction of the human race is about as by-the-numbers as you get — but because he has a ton of personality, specifically, Tony Stark’s personality. I’ll save my lengthier analysis of this until the Spoiler Section, but as Ultron is Tony Stark’s creation, there are definite similarities between the two characters, similarities that I think are kind of fascinating. And James Spader is just delightful in the role. His voice work is energetic, creepy, and hilarious. He couldn’t possibly have been better cast.

2. So, here’s the thing: I like a ton of stuff about Age of Ultron. It’s not a bad movie by any means, and I had a great time watching it in theater. I will certainly buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD/Blu-Ray, and it made me crack up repeatedly, which is great. Unlike the rest of the internet, I’m not, like, ideologically against the concept of grimdark superhero movies, but I also love to laugh, and Age of Ultron definitely made me laugh.

But . . . it’s got some definite problems, and the main one is what I think we were all afraid of: there’s just too much going on.

There’s so much going on in Age of Ultron that I almost feel like I should delay this review until I watch the movie a second time. But since I doubt that a second trip to the theater will happen anytime this week . . . well, here we are.

This sequel is responsible for giving significant screen time to each of our six heroes, which includes building a brand new romance between two of them and giving another one a far more fleshed out and somewhat unexpected backstory. It has to add and establish four new main characters, not to mention bring in several side characters and about eighteen cameos. (Okay, it’s probably more like . . . five? Nine? Whatever, there are a lot of them.) Time has to be spent foreshadowing future Marvel movies, including Thor: Ragnarok, The Avengers: Infinity War, and — to an extent — Captain America: Civil War. Then, you know, there’s the whole plot. And somewhere in the third act, the movie just begins to buckle under its own weight.

I want to be fair here, since the majority of my review is feeling more critical than complimentary: considering just how much is going on, Joss Whedon actually does a pretty amazing job juggling everything above. What I’m describing could easily have been a train wreck, and Age of Ultron isn’t one. I really do like this movie. But it also isn’t even close to competing with The Avengers for top spot, and it’s sure not going to knock Winter Soldier down to the third place, either. At best, it’s got a chance at bronze . . . but it’s hard to say on one viewing. My instincts tell me Iron Man is going to stay on the podium, though, and Age of Ultron will have to settle for a Participant certificate.

3. About those new characters — well, unfortunately, I’ve already talked about the only one I really liked. As far as everyone else goes?

Elizabeth Olsen is an indie darling, but I think this might be the first thing I’ve actually seen her in, and she’s . . . fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her performance — she seems to do all she can with it — but I just don’t find Scarlet Witch to be a particularly compelling character. Her powers are awesome, definitely, but she doesn’t have much in the way of actual personality and I’m kind of iffy on her and Quicksilver’s backstory. (I’ll come back to that later.) At the end of the day, I just don’t care much about her.

Still, ultimately, I like Scarlet Witch a lot more than I like Quicksilver. And again, Aaron Taylor-Johnson doesn’t really do anything wrong. Quicksilver’s just boring. He has one or two small moments I like, but mostly, that’s because of the other characters in the scene. I don’t want to compare him to Evan Peters’s Quicksilver in X-Men: Days of Future Past — because, really, his interpretation of the character is so dissimilar it’s just not really a worthwhile comparison — but I needed something out of this kid, and I just didn’t get it.

Listen, I adore Paul Bettany. I have been in love with Paul Bettany since I first watched A Knight’s Tale, like, fourteen years ago. And Jarvis (or JARVIS, whichever you prefer) is just the best, one of my favorite AI’s ever. But Vision . . .

. . . God, I find Vision dull.

I am well aware that I’m in the minority on this. I’ve read very few Marvel comics (at least, thus far), so I primarily know Vision from Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, where he wasn’t one of my favorites. He sure isn’t my favorite here. Bettany’s performance is quite solid, and he does have some nice moments — I am willing to concede that I could become more invested in his character in later films because there is potential there — but in Age of Ultron, he’s just, like, that semi-benevolent god robot? He feels very archetypal to me. Maybe I’d find him less so if this movie had more time to spend on him, but as is, he kind of reads like a less interesting version of the Machine on Person of Interest to me. (Meanwhile, Ultron has to be snarkier version of Samaritan.) In Person of Interest, the conflict between the two is fascinating. Here, not so much.

4. We also need to address the rather sudden romance of Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) and Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson).

So, I seen a lot of people who hate this ship, but actually, I’m not one of them. Maybe they aren’t my OTP yet — I don’t think I actually have an OTP in Avengers — but there is definitely something about these two characters together that I find really interesting. And I think Ruffalo and Johansson have pretty decent chemistry with one another, so I want to like them.

Unfortunately, the romance just goes far too fast for me.

Part of the problem, of course, is that most of their Becoming Attracted to One Another stuff happens offscreen in between The Avengers and Age of Ultron. I think that can work (she says, desperately — I may or may not have a similar setup in some stories to come out later this year), but it’s pretty hard, and a LOT more time needs to be given to Bruce and Natasha in this movie to make the audience believe it. Otherwise, it feels too constructed, too artificial — we don’t buy that these two have spent all this time growing closer between films.

Natasha and Bruce do have scenes in Age of Ultron, but they’re pretty limited and before you know it, we’re moving on to Next Level Stuff. And that, that just doesn’t work for me. I was all for them being cute with their Casablanca flirting — seriously, I was ALL FOR IT — but then the relationship suddenly skipped  into, like, let’s have a Future together! And I just couldn’t buy the pacing.

5. Maybe it comes down to this — I’ve read a few interviews now where Joss Whedon calls Age of Ultron a smaller, more personal movie, and in some places — especially in the first half — I agree with that, and enjoy it too. There are a lot of great character moments in this film which I really, really like, scenes where we get a closer look at what each of our heroes fear, scenes where the Avengers keep not quite honestly communicating with one another, keep holding back. I mean, I could watch Steve Rogers and Tony Stark all damn day. (And boy, am I interested in Civil War — but more on that in a bit.)

The problem, I think, is that the third act of Age of Ultron doesn’t seem to belong to that same smaller film, and a lot of the more personal, character-driven stuff just kind of goes by the wayside. Now, obviously, I both wanted and expected some Big Action Stuff at the end of the movie. I like Big Action Stuff. The Battle of New York, for instance, was fantastic. And there are moments here, in this big battle, that I really enjoy (“Oh for God’s sake!” stands out in particular), but overall, I feel less invested in everything that was going on. The stakes almost feel, I don’t know, rote? And we spend so much time on Saving the World! that I feel like some of the other earlier character stuff doesn’t get the chance to fully resolve. I know you bring out the Avengers for the Big Kids Work, but I can’t help but feel like maybe if the stakes were lowered somehow, the movie might feel a little less discordant, less like Joss Whedon was trying to make two movies and put them in one? I’m not 100% on any of that, though. I’m still trying to work it out.

When I saw The Avengers in 2012, I could not WAIT to see the next film. I was completely obsessed with it. It dominated my nerdy little brain for months. When Age of Ultron ended . . . I talked pros and cons with my sister for half an hour, thinking about how I was going to shape this review, and then I went to read Daredevil fanfiction.

You try not to have unrealistic expectations going in — but, well. Sometimes you just have them. That’s how it goes. I liked Age of Ultron, but I feel like if it had remained a smaller movie centered around the team itself, if it wasn’t stretched in so many directions and it wasn’t so interested in setting up Phase III — I think I might have liked it more. I think I could’ve loved it with all my big nerd heart.

Think I’ve been going on too long about a superhero movie? Ha. I have SO much more to say. (Probably too much. Er, sorry.)

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

First, can I just say I waited for, like, YEARS to see how Age of Ultron was going to deal with the end of Iron Man 3, only for them to pretty much entirely ignore it? Assholes. If one of your big claims to fame is your Giant Shared Continuity, you so shouldn’t be able to do that. I’m shaking my finger at you, Joss Whedon. (Shhh. He totally cares.)

Okay, moving on. Our story begins with the Avengers on a mission to retrieve Loki’s scepter. The team seems to be working relatively well together, despite Steve chiding Tony about using coarse language and Hawkeye getting himself seriously injured. (Because of course it’s Hawkeye. That poor bastard. Also, the cursing bit was great — I was waiting the whole movie for Steve to swear at the end, but I didn’t initially expect it to be a running gag. Totally loved it.)

We’re introduced to Baron von Strucker briefly, but don’t worry about him because he has about four lines before he’s unceremoniously killed off in between scenes. More importantly, we’re introduced to the twins: Quicksilver will begin his quest to annoy Hawkeye (setting up the reversal for when he sacrifices himself for our beloved archer) and Scarlet Witch fucks with Tony Stark’s head, making him hallucinate all his fellow Avengers dead.

Awww. Tony’s all damaged. Although I freely admit to giggling a bit when Fake Captain America’s like, “This is all your fault!” or whatever it was he actually said. It’s a bit over the top. (Still. You know Whedon secretly ships Steve/Tony. You just know it.)

This particular bit of mindfuckery is what sets Tony on the path to create Ultron, which actually, I really enjoyed. When I first heard that Whedon was knocking Hank Pym out of Ultron’s origin story, I was a little disappointed — not just because I like Hank Pym (or did, before all that split personality bullshit happened) — but because I kind of felt we’d already covered Tony’s “I Used to Do Bad Bad Things” story to death, and I wasn’t really interested in him being responsible for Everything Going Wrong again. The mental manipulation made this work much better for me.

(I will say, though, that I’m less crazy about Tony’s weapons being responsible for orphaning Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. I get why it happens this way — it gives them motivation for their Evil Deeds, plus gains our sympathy as audience members, at least supposedly — but the whole thing feels a bit artificially constructed for me, perhaps because Quicksilver divulges their whole traumatic backstory in One Big Exposition Monologue that I just never quite connected with. I also have to agree with Mekaela that there probably should have been at least one scene between Tony and Scarlet Witch near the end of the film. The fact that these two never have any real confrontation doesn’t quite work for me, not with this setup.)

Anyway, Tony enlists Bruce’s secret help to create Ultron, giving all of us Science Bros fans a nice fist bump. And seriously, Ultron is such a delight because he’s very much the twisted subconscious of Tony Stark. I remember a lot of reviews complaining that Iron Man was the villain of his own movie in Iron Man 2 (which I completely disagreed with), but here, Ultron basically is a villainous Tony Stark, and it’s great, particularly because Ultron despises Tony and simply cannot acknowledge how much of him is his creator. They even use some of the same phrases, which doesn’t go unnoticed by other characters in the film. Pretty much everything Ultron says could be taken right out of Tony Stark’s mouth, which I adore. It really makes me want to see some fan film (that will absolutely never happen, of course) where James Spader plays Iron Man and Robert Downey Jr. voices Ultron. I really cannot praise James Spader enough in this — I enjoyed the holy hell out of him.

But moving on: the Avengers celebrate their successful mission with a giant party, mostly so we can establish a few things:

A. Natasha and Bruce like-like each other, and Steve Rogers ships them like whoa.

B. Falcon is still helping Steve track down Bucky. (I guess Captain America: Civil War is still going to be about the Inhumans, but I was really surprised that they didn’t talk about them at all in this movie. Not, like, they had time or anything. Still, I feel like Whedon and Marvel weirdly prioritized Ragnarok over Civil War, and I would’ve expected them to at least mention who the Inhumans are and that they exist, since Marvel clearly isn’t counting on movie goers to be watching Agents of SHIELD. It kind of makes me wonder if the whole divide between Tony and Steve is ultimately going to be less ideological and more like, ‘Fuck you, Cap, your BFF killed my parents.’ It’s going to be interesting, one way or the other. I’m excited about it, but I also really need them to not make Tony into a total unsympathetic dickbag. This greatly concerns me . . . but, yes, we’ve gotten off topic. Again.)

C. War Machine is still around, in case anyone cares.

D. Nobody can lift Thor’s hammer (yet), but Thor is NOT PLEASED when Captain America succeeds in moving it just a little.

I know this was leaked early, but it’s still a great scene, even if I absolutely could not watch Bruce trying to lift the hammer. I hid my face behind my hands and everything. Sympathetic Embarrassment Syndrome is a real thing, people. Or should be, anyway.

Ultron breaks up the afterparty, though, by killing Jarvis (well, sort of) and trying to kill the Avengers. Then he escapes and enlists the aid of the Maximoff Twins. Meanwhile, no one’s very happy with Tony and Bruce right now, but especially Tony, either because Bruce is instantly apologetic for what he’s done or because it was obviously Tony’s bad idea in the first place and everyone knows Banner’s a big pushover until he really isn’t.

Stuff happens. I can’t remember all the specifics now, but at some point Scarlet Witch does her mind mojo on everyone but (thankfully) Hawkeye.

Because I’m a Bruce fangirl, I was a little disappointed we couldn’t see him hallucinating his Holy Shit Traumatic Past before going all Grrr Hulk Grrr, but I suppose we didn’t really need that. (Dammit.)

What we get instead:

A. Some time with Natasha in the Red Room. Every bit of it is awesome. Can we PLEASE have a Black Widow movie already?

B. Idris Elba pops up to blame Thor for everything going to hell. I am always happy to see Idris Elba, but it’s Thor’s stuff here (and especially later, when he takes off for his whole Lake Vision Quest deal) that I really felt could’ve been done better. I know we have to deal with the Infinity Stones and Vision and whatever, but this shit felt pretty muddled to me.

C. Captain America dreams he’s back having his dance with Peggy. (Because you never miss out on an opportunity to include Hayley Atwell, not if you’re sane.) There’s a really nice thread here about Cap still feeling like a man out of time, about not having a home anymore, although I do feel like it gets resolved a bit too fast at the end.

Hawkeye’s stuck with the Brainwashed Kids, so that leaves Tony on his own to deal with an out-of-control Hulk.

This is all pretty awesome. Well, for the audience, anyway — it’s a a great action sequence. It’s decidedly less awesome for the team, who are all pretty shaken after their experiences and not exactly in good graces with the rest of the world after the Hulk’s devastation. They all need a place to lay low for a while, so Hawkeye brings them to his Secret Domestic Bliss.

(If you recently heard the sound of a million voices crying out in terror and being suddenly silenced, well. You probably mistook terror for agony, because that was the sound of a billion hearts breaking, specifically, the hearts of Clint/Coulson shippers around the world. Long live the ship, you guys.)

So, yes. This whole time, Clint has been secretly married with two kids running around and a third on the way. I’m . . . of two minds on this. On the upside, it’s kinda cool that one of the Avengers actually has a semi-functional normal life outside all this saving-the-world nonsense. You rarely get to see superheroes with wives and kids (at least, living ones), so that’s kind of neat. And it gives Clint more depth, which is great, because Hawkeye definitely gets the short end of the stick in the first movie and his family succeeds in helping to flesh out his character. Also, everyone’s reaction to his Secret Family works pretty well.

On the other hand . . . one of the few Marvel comics I do read is Hawkeye, and I’ll admit, I was kind of unrealistically hoping there would eventually be a merge with the Hawkeye we’ve seen so far and Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye, who I just adore. This pretty much kills any and all chance of that, which kind of bums me out. And let me be clear here: this is one of those disappointments that I don’t consider an actual flaw with the movie. Like, it’s a personal aw, man moment, not like a Okay, that doesn’t work. That’s an important distinction to make.

(Also, can I just say that Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye is the main reason I kind of regret Marvel’s Great Overarching Continuity? Because I would KILL for a Hawkeye series on Netflix that could cross over with Daredevil — but it will never happen because Daredevil exists in the same world as Avengers, and this happily married, pretty grounded Hawkeye is already a part of that team, so the Hawkeye I want will never meet Charlie Cox’s Matt Murdoch. It makes me sad. At least I have fanfiction, I guess. I have seen at least eight different fanfictions with this pair-up alone.)

Good and/or Significant Moments at Clint’s Secret Farm House:

A. Natasha, the only Avenger who knows about Clint’s secret life, calls the unborn baby a trait for turning out to be a boy. Heh.

B. Bruce decides that he’ll have to run away, now that everyone has seen what the Hulk is truly capable of, and Natasha wants to go with him.

If you’re interested, this is when I start having real problems with their relationship. I like that these two are damaged “monstrous” characters, but these guys haven’t even kissed yet, and they’re just going to go run away together? No. It’s romantic but no. I just don’t buy it, not out of two people with massive trust issues, certainly not out of a woman who’s most infamous line last movie was, “Love is for children.”

If this movie had been about setting them up as a couple and next movie had been about them going away together, sure. I could have dealt with that. But that running off is even a possibility here, uh-uh. They just don’t have enough screentime to support it — in one scene, they’re flirting and navigating the possibility of maybe dating; in the next, Natasha’s proposing leaving her whole life behind for this guy, and Bruce is like, “Don’t you understand we won’t be able to have babies?” Like, WHAT?

C. While manfully chopping wood (not a euphemism), Tony and Steve argue about secrets, Ultron, and the end goal of the Avengers. It’s a pretty great scene and not just because Steve gets angry and splits a hunk of wood with his bare hands. (Though I’m sure many, many people appreciated that.) These two actors have great antagonistic buddy chemistry, and it makes me excited for Civil War . . . but, again, nervous because it really only works if you can see where both sides are coming from. I think you can in this movie, but if Tony turns on mutants the Inhumans just for existing . . . I don’t know. Even with his slight turn here, I feel like being totally prejudiced against Inhumans is OOC for him.

Still. I have no real problems with this scene, other than when Tony says he doesn’t trust Steve for not having a dark side and Steve’s all, you haven’t seen it yet . . . I kind of wanted to, you know, see it. Which of course could be foreshadow for Civil War, but from everything I understand, Steve is firmly on the Side of Good, whereas Tony is firmly on the Side of Evil. I’m really hoping it’s more interesting than that.

Ugh. Back to this movie, AGAIN. (Is this my longest review ever? It’s feeling like it right now.) Okay, so, eventually the Avengers recover this android body that Ultron was creating, although Ultron manages to abduct Natasha in the process. Tony once again cons Bruce into secretly helping him, this time by putting Jarvis into the android body, which Steve, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver (now all on the team) try to stop. And then Thor comes back from his boring vision quest to bring, heh, Vision to life.

A. When Bruce threatens to kill Scarlet Witch? Holy JESUS. Mark Ruffalo can command a shit ton of intensity when he wants to, and . . . look, I’m just saying I could stand to watch a lot more of that Banner. I mean, I like dorky Banner too — I like basically all versions of Banner, presuming he’s not being so embarrassing that I’m literally hiding behind my hands — but even without the Hulk involved, Bruce B. isn’t, like, the most well-balanced guy in the world. He should be dangerous, and I desperately want to see more of this.

B. Part of my dislike for Vision — or at least apathy towards him — may stem from my resentment that he comes from the destruction of Jarvis. He’s part Jarvis, sure, but he’s also a whole new character and — dammit, I loved Jarvis. Vision is not an adequate replacement for me.

This is like substituting Ezri for Jadzia Dax all over again.

C. The other problem I have with Vision is that, in Ultron’s hands, it seems like he’s going to be this Unstoppable Weapon, the Surefire Destruction of the Whole World. But once he’s on the Avengers’ team, he just sort of seems like a regular super powered dude, like, for an android with an Infinity Stone glued on his forehead, he doesn’t really feel like he brings that much to the table.

That being said, when he effortlessly picks up Thor’s hammer? Perfection.

Finally, we get to the Big Battle and Denouement. And yes, I’m going to ABC this shit, too. (Look, a lot happens in this movie, all right? It’s hard to organize my thoughts in any other semi-coherent way.)

A. Hawkeye talks with Scarlet Witch, who’s pretty busy freaking out because she helped cause all this destruction. I like this scene because Hawkeye’s pretty awesome in it, but . . . I can’t help but notice that, once again, the only superhero who freezes in the middle of the fight is the woman. Like, I can buy the reaction, but I still find it a bit frustrating. Couldn’t Quicksilver have been the one to panic instead?

B. One of my favorite parts of the whole movie, though, is when Hawkeye not-too-seriously contemplates murdering Quicksilver. This. This was just the BEST.

C. Of course, Quicksilver ends up dying to save Hawkeye, who’s about to sacrifice himself to save a little boy. It’s kind of a sad moment, I guess, but . . . not that sad? Like, I genuinely cried for Coulson in The Avengers, but here I was almost kind of relieved. Cause I didn’t care very much about this dude, and you knew somebody is going to go — and if it’s not Quicksilver, then it’s probably going to be the guy with his wife and two kids and one baby on the way.

D. Bruce rescues Natasha and tells her that they have to run away together now, that she’s done enough for the cause and her part in the fighting is over. And . . . seriously, when did Bruce Banner become a dude from the 50’s? First with assuming Natasha even wants babies and then trying to bench her from all the save-the-world action? What IS this?

Thankfully, Natasha isn’t having any of that bullshit because seriously, Banner, do you not know your quasi-girlfriend AT ALL? She kisses him and pushes him over this edge, forcing the Hulk to come out and play. This doesn’t turn out super well for Natasha, though, because after the big fight, the Hulk takes off in an invisible jet to hide from everyone, including her.

E. Vision kills the last Ultron bot.

But . . . there aren’t any strings on me! I’m supposed to be free and WIN!

It’s a decent scene between the two of them, primarily because the actors are so good. Still . . . I don’t know. I feel like something’s missing.

F. In the denouement, Steve and Natasha are all that’s left of the original Avengers. Tony’s tapping out, but I’m not actually sure if it’s because of what happened with Ultron or because he’s still got PTSD from the first Avengers movie or because he’s apparently wanted to quit this whole time. (Tony’s arc seems to fizzle at the end of the movie. It starts strong, but about 2/3 of the way through it just . . . kind of goes away.) Meanwhile, Clint’s also out . . . I think? He could just be on paternity leave, but that last scene felt weirdly final, which didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because when did Clint say he wanted to quit? Hulk’s AWOL and Thor . . . you know, I don’t even remember where Thor went. To investigate Ragnarok, maybe? (I told you I should have rewatched this movie.)

Steve, meanwhile, has apparently found his home. I’m very glad he and Tony have a moment at the end of the movie — because they absolutely needed it, and I was fully prepared to have a snit fit if they didn’t have one — but I never fully bought Steve accepting all this as Home because it felt a little sudden to me, like it should come after an emotional turning point in the film that he never actually has. I am not-so-secretly hoping Steve has more man-out-of-time angst in Civil War because I’m a terrible person.

G. Finally, Natasha and Steve are the ones training a new lineup of Avengers: Falcon, War Machine, Scarlet Witch, and Vision. Which . . . well. I know that the original actors aren’t going to stay with Marvel for the rest of their careers, and I much prefer the idea of switching out characters to flat-out replacing heroes with new actors. So, that’s cool.

Unfortunately, I’m so bummed by the idea of this lineup that I think I actually lost a tiny bit of interest in the upcoming Avengers movies. I love the hell out of Falcon, but other than that . . . I’ve always been pretty meh on War Machine, despite liking Don Cheadle, and I found Scarlet Witch and Vision both kind of dull in this movie, so. I don’t know. Marvel’s been on such a hot streak, but for the first time in a long time, I found myself wondering if I was going to care much about where they were going past Phase 3. It was a depressing realization.

QUOTES:

Thor: “Is that the best you can do?”
Ultron: “This is the best I can do! This is what I’ve been waiting for! All of you against all of me!”
Steve: “You had to ask.”

Steve: “Nick Fury, you sonofabitch.”
Nick Fury: “Whoa ho ho! You kiss your mother with that mouth!”

Ultron: “I’m glad you asked that because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan.”

Natasha: “I adore you . . . but I need the Other Guy.”

Tony: “Really? That’s it? You just roll over and show your belly every time somebody snarls?”
Bruce: “Only when I’ve created a murder-bot.”

Tony: “How do we cope with something like that?”
Steve: “Together.”
Tony: “We’ll lose.”
Steve: “We’ll do that together, too.”

Steve: “Look, as the world’s expert on waiting too long, don’t.”

Tony: “Good talk.”
Henchman in Background: “No, it wasn’t!”

Strucker: “Can we hold them?”
Henchman: “They’re the Avengers.”

Ultron: “They put the building in the middle of the city, so that everyone could be equally close to God. I like that, the symmetry, the geometry of belief.”

Tony: “Thor didn’t say where he was going for answers?”
Steve: “Sometimes, my teammates don’t tell me things.”

Ultron: “Oh, for God’s sake!”

Tony: “Actually, he’s the boss. I just pay for everything and design everything, make everyone look cooler.”

Natasha: “Thor, report on the Hulk.”
Thor: “The gates of Hell are filled with the screams of his victims.”

Steve: “Right, what kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on him to protect their country?”

Steve: “Ultron killed Strucker.”
Tony: “And he did a Bansky at the crime scene.”

Tony: “Please be a secret door, please be a secret door . . . yay!”

Bruce: “I could choke you and not change a shade.”

Clint: “I’ve done the whole mind control thing. Not a fan.”

Steve: “Sorry for barging in.”
Tony: “Yeah, we would’ve called ahead, but we were busy having no idea you existed.”

Nick Fury: “That guy’s multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit.”

Hawkeye: “The city is flying. We’re fighting an army of robots. And I have a bow and arrow.”

Hawkeye: “No one would know, no one would know. Last I saw, Ultron was sitting on him. The bastard will be dearly missed. I miss him already.”

Natasha: “Traitor.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Clearly, I’ve got some mixed feelings. Age of Ultron is a very entertaining movie and goes very fast, considering how long it is. I liked a lot of the smaller character moments, and it made me laugh multiple times. Dialogue, obviously, was awesome. Still, I can’t get past the fact that way too much was happening, and the third act started to collapse because of it. Also, the more I think about Natasha and Bruce’s romance, the more it feels mishandled. Which bums me out because I think I could ship them, if they’d been given a better start. (Actually, I know I could ship them. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from reading Avengers fanfiction is that I can ship Bruce with every other Avenger except Thor. Never could get into Bruce/Thor.)

MVP:

James Spader

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

“Every time someone tries to stop a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.”

In a way, I’ve been lucky. A lot of the books I love — either recent reads or ones I grew up on — haven’t been made into movies. (Or I’ve never seen the movies — at some point, I feel like I should probably watch The Black Cauldron, considering that The Prydain Chronicles was actually my first epic fantasy series. But my interest is limited.) Because while it can be totally awesome and exciting when something you love is adapted into another medium, it can also be hideously painful as well.

Today, I have a list of some of the more disappointing adaptation changes I’ve seen, mostly on the big screen but occasionally on the small screen as well. This is NOT a list of the worst film adaptations — though that list may be created at another time and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy will almost certainly be on it — but of alterations to characters or scenes that were incredibly disappointing, even if the work as a whole is actually quite good.

DISCLAIMER: THERE WILL BE ALL KINDS OF SPOILERS IN THIS LIST, BOTH FOR THE SOURCE MATERIAL AND ITS ADAPTATION. I’M TALKING MOVIES, TELEVISION, BOOKS, GRAPHIC NOVELS, AND CARTOONS HERE.

(Also, the order of this countdown is, as always, tentative at best.)

13. The Anticlimactic Destruction of the Library – The Name of the Rose

I wasn’t expecting to love The Name of the Rose, not after having so-so feelings about the novel. Still, I was a bit disappointed by several of the changes, specifically with how little I cared when The Library to End All Libraries burned down. The movie spends very little time establishing the importance of this library or how this vast wealth of knowledge has been coveted and denied to so many of the monks. So when the library is destroyed, it’s hard to get particularly worked up about it. Particularly because William manages to save at least an armful of the texts, whereas in the novel, he doesn’t save shit.

I wanted to feel every bit of the bitter loss — because it really is one, when you read it. Instead, the destruction of library is treated with the same amount of emotional significance that is given to the cave of treasure in Aladdin, or the tomb of treasure in The Mummy, or the whole of Ahm Shere in The Mummy Returns, or even The Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. (Hell, even the pirate ship in The Goonies fits this trope. I might actually feel the most sad about the pirate ship — and that’s just silly because surely the Coast Guard can track that shit down.)

12. Wendy is a Worthless Human Being – The Shining

All the gorgeously creepy cinematography in the world couldn’t help me when I realized how awful each character had become in Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation. (Well, Halloran was okay, I guess, which is probably why he died — another annoying change.) But I could have gotten past Danny, who I found surprisingly annoying for a small child, and I could have gotten past Jack, who had a great deal more dimension and nuance in the original novel. But Wendy, man. I liked Wendy in the book. She seemed to be a completely competent human being — only for the movie to turn her (its only female character) into the weakest, most annoying stereotype of a woman. I wanted her to die and die badly.

The Shining is a beloved horror classic, but I’ve never able to get past this. Though, admittedly, I haven’t tried all that hard, as I still haven’t been able to make myself give it a second chance.

11. Vera and Phillip are Innocent and Make It Off the Island Alive – And Then There Were None

Okay, this is a bit of a cheat, partially because I haven’t seen the movie in full and partially because the film is technically adapted off the play, not the novel. But the play is adapted from the novel and, also, I don’t care. The twist ending is the very best part of this story — to give And Then There Were None some bullshit happy ending where the leading man and lady are actually good guys who survive? NO. Just no. (Of course, this movie was made during the Production Code, where Vera couldn’t have killed herself because even the mention of suicide was a big Not Happening. I still don’t care. I am offended by the very idea of this ending and will not be mollified until someone makes a proper remake.)

10. Hansel and Gretel’s Parents Abandoned Their Children to Save Them – Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

I’m not going to complain about this being a bad film because I knew what kind of movie I was getting into when I rented it. Actually, it’s far more entertaining than I thought it would be, fully committed to its campy ridiculousness, and not anywhere near the worst fairy tale adaptation I’ve ever seen. (I’m pretty sure that’s still Red Riding Hood, although Snow White and the Huntsman gives it a run for its money.)

Still, I was pretty disappointed with the change in Hansel and Gretel’s origin story because, for me, it’s just not the same story if their parents didn’t selfishly abandon the kids in the middle of the forest for their own survival. Making Mom and Dad secret good guys is boring, not to mention predictable. (Especially when the chief antagonist of the film ends up being responsible for their deaths all along.) It’s also particularly shitty because the mom essentially martyrs herself, gets her husband killed, and dooms her children to a lifetime of trauma for no good reason at all. Oh, white witches can’t use their magic to hurt anyone? Please, lady. You are a terrible person. I hope your idealism comforts you in Hell.

9. Ozymandias is Spectacularly Miscast – Watchmen

I didn’t hate Watchmen the way a lot of people did, and in fact, was quite happy with some of the changes they made — I hold firm to the idea that making Dr. Manhattan the scapegoat was particularly clever. (Sorry, guys. I’m aware I’m failing you all right now.)

Unfortunately, Ozymandias doesn’t work for me at all. He’s supposed to be this superhero archetype, this perfect specimen of WASPy physique — like Captain America, but with Batman’s brain. (Also, German.) Instead, they cast a slender brunette with a wishy-washy accent, and terrible hair dye aside, Matthew Goode just completely fails to be intimidating, charismatic, or interesting in any way. I’ve liked the actor in other things before, but found him utterly disappointing as the superhero/mastermind here.

8. Henry is the Worst – Dreamcatcher

This movie is an abysmal failure. And, admittedly, the novel has multiple problems and was never going to adapt particularly well into a feature film anyway. But I actually like Henry in the novel — he’s easily my favorite character — and in the movie, he is the most incompetent asshole I’ve ever seen. I normally enjoy Thomas Jane’s work, but this performance is just bad, like, there is no redeemable quality to it at all. There are pancakes that are less flat than this performance. It’s like he’s actively trying to do the worst job he can.

I don’t know if I expected Dreamcatcher to be great, but I did figure I’d enjoy watching Henry at least, since I liked him so much in the book. I was NOT anticipating him to be the worst part of a movie that also had Morgan Freeman’s Eyebrows of Destiny and an alien pretending to be a guy with Down’s Syndrome and cancer.

7. Why Should I Care About Shinji Again? – Battle Royale

Battle Royale is kind of a devastating book to read. You thought The Hunger Games was sad? HA. I mean, I really do like The Hunger Games, but gut punch for gut punch, it’s not even in the same league. One of the hardest deaths to read is Shinji’s, who’s a major player in the book, one of Shuya’s closest friends, and hard at work at hacking the BR Program when he’s killed by the book’s chief antagonist, Kazuo. And Shinji, man, he fights hard to live. When he finally dies, it’s just — dude, I stopped reading to cuddle with my stuffed animals. (Okay, I don’t remember if stuffed animals were involved. There could have been. There were Far Side comics, though. I grew up reading those, and I needed the silly nostalgia to clear my brain of sadness.)

In the movie, though, Shinji probably has about six minutes screen time total. And I get it — huge cast, time constraints, etc. — but he never really gets the chance to shine much personality at all and his death scene is veryy underwhelming. No stuffed animals necessary. As an audience member, you just sort of shrug and move on, and while it’s far from the weakest part of the film — which probably has to go with whatever the fuck is happening between Noriko and Kitano — I did feel like it’s one place where the movie really fails to adequately translate the horror of the novel.

6. The Apocalyptic Rock Fight Is Bullshit – IT

IT is a deeply unbalanced miniseries. On one hand, it has Tim Curry. On the other hand, it also has so, so many problems. I won’t list each one here, but one of the most downright disappointing translations from page to screen is definitely the Apocalyptic Rock Fight.

It’s just . . . it’s bullshit. That’s all there is to it. It lasts less than a minute and only one of our heroes is actually injured. Six boys, one girl. Can you guess which one gets hurt? Well, of course you can. And once the girl is injured, the shy boy who has a crush on her gets his primal masculine rage on, and it’s all just crap. This was supposed to be WAR, damn it. This was supposed to be EPIC.

I want to hope that the upcoming remake (split into two movies) will do this scene justice . . . but I’ll admit, the casting of Will Poulter as Pennywise has made me less than optimistic.

5. Rogue is Stripped Of Her Personality (Not to Mention Age) – X-Men

This also could be considered a cheat because X-Men is obviously an adaptation of the comics, whereas my source material is the animated series I grew up on as a child. But fuck it, this is my list, and I’m counting it anyway.

X-Men isn’t a perfect movie, but I still enjoy it well enough — but fifteen years after it first came out, I am still disappointed by the fact that Rogue’s sassiness and spunk is all drained away in favor of vulnerability and teen angst. Anna Paquin’s performance is fine, as far as it goes, but this is a completely different version of the character, so much so that it doesn’t even really seem like Rogue at all, save for the actual abilities and the white streak she gets in her hair. And damn it, I loved Rogue as a kid. I basically wanted to grow up to be her. I could’ve been okay with the de-aging, but why, why couldn’t she retain at least a little bit of flair?

4. Coraline is a Spoiled Brat – Coraline

I loved Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. It is such a deeply creepy children’s book — I’d cosplay The Other Mother in a heartbeat. I think she’s quite genuinely one of the scariest villains I’ve ever seen or read.

But unfortunately, I couldn’t stand the film adaptation because I abhorred the changes they made to Coraline’s character. And guys, I wanted to like this movie — I really, really did. But in the novel, Coraline is a great heroine — smart and adventurous and resourceful. I want more heroines like her. In the movie, though, she’s just a spoiled brat who I couldn’t sympathize with at all. I didn’t care if she made it back to her real mother or not, and for the life of me, couldn’t really imagine why anyone else would.

3. Adult Richie is a Cowardly Asshole – IT

Yeah, we’re going back to IT again. Because even worse than the So-Called Apocalyptic Rock Fight is Richie. Fucking Richie.

As Henry is my favorite character in Dreamcatcher, Richie is my favorite character in IT. But not only is IT my favorite Stephen King book of all time, Richie might very well be my favorite Stephen King character in any of his works. I love him. I love basically everything about him. And, shockingly, he gets to live! How rarely does that happen?

But Adult Richie in the miniseries is nothing like his counterpart in the novel. In the miniseries, he’s this sleazy asshole guy pretty much only concerned about his own skin, and I kinda wanted that stupid looking giant spider puppet to eat him. It’s bad enough when an adaptation leeches a character of his or her personality, but when they change that personality to something fundamentally opposite and/or worse? It’s worse than frustrating. It’s enraging. And while IT has many regrettable moments, it’s easily Richie that pains me the most.

2. Lady Stoneheart is Cut From the Show – Game of Thrones

I think Game of Thrones is an astonishingly good adaptation, and I’ve understood — or, in some cases, even loved — many of the changes they’ve made. But nothing has quite disappointed me like the absence of Lady Stoneheart.

A Storm of Swords must have been one of the most shocking books I’ve ever read in my entire life. The Red Wedding. The Purple Wedding. Lysa out the Moon Door. Tywin kicking it on the john. Fucking Oberyn Martell. That book was gut wrenching and powerful and you never knew where it was going. But that ending — when you find out that Catelyn Stark has been resurrected and is coming back for blood? HOLY SHIT, it was one of the most boo-yah moments I’ve ever SEEN. I can’t tell you how excited I was when I read that ending, or how pumped I was to see it on HBO . . .

. . . only to find out that they were cutting it entirely. And, guys, that was just depressing. Wholly depressing. It is literally one of my favorite moments in the entire series, and it’s just . . . gone. I still want Lady Stoneheart so much that I find myself hoping they’re secretly planning to resurrect a different character instead. (I won’t say who yet, in case I wildly and miraculously end up being right.) Or, better yet, that it’s all smoke screen and Catelyn IS still coming back — but the actress and producers have seemed pretty clear that she is dead for good. And while it’s not a show-killing offense for me, I am still really disappointed about it. (Also, kind of bewildered: you don’t resurrect a main character from a horrible death unless she has an important part to play, do you? Either Lady Stoneheart really isn’t pivotal to the ongoing plot — in case, WTF, George R.R. Martin — or the Game of Thrones creators have some serious gaps they’ll have to fill.)

1. Fred Weasley is Killed Off Screen, Leading to a Hugely Underwhelming Battle Between Mrs. Weasley and Bellatrix Lestrange – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II

This moment — or technically, couple of moments — is probably the most disappointing to me because so much led up to it. Seven books, eight movies. Years and years of time. And when the final film came to a close, yeah, I was pretty disappointed. It’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen, probably not even the worst film in the series, but I was definitely underwhelmed by Deathly Hallows Part II, and a lot of that had to do with this.

Fred Weasley — yup, favorite character in the whole series — is killed off. I totally cried while reading it, even though I expected his death for several hundred pages. And for me, it was obviously the saddest part in the whole book. I loved that kid. But in the movie, they just killed him off screen and spent approximately .07 seconds on everyone’s reaction. Fred Weasley is an important supporting character who has been in every single film, and they give his death about as much attention as they give to Ron Weasley’s jilted ex-girlfriend. Nope. So much nope.

And it’s not just because he’s my favorite character, either — Fred Weasley’s death should be fueling the infamous “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” scene. This scene is, like, one of the most notorious in the whole series. Mrs. Weasley kicks ASS in it. People quoted it forever. But in the movie, there is no pathos to the fight at all, no actual emotion — the translation is rote and lifeless. The whole thing lasts about thirty seconds. Both characters deserved more. Both actresses deserved more. We deserved more.

Please leave your Most Disappointing Adaptation moments in the comments. I’d really like to hear them.

I’ll probably never be, like, an Authority on Comics — nor do I have any particularly deep need to be one — but I’ve really been getting into graphic novels the past couple of years. (Trades, primarily. Let’s be upfront about that. I wildly prefer reading trades to single issues.) One of my favorite comics right now is Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples, and if you haven’t read it, Saga is one joyful mindfuck of space weirdness. It will never be made into a movie or TV show. I can’t even imagine what a translation of it would look like, not to mention Vaughan’s been pretty firm about keeping it out of Hollywood. I’m not sure I’d even want to see someone attempt it. And yet we dream-casted it anyway. Cause that’s what we do around here.

Alana

Rosario Dawson

Mek and I have been idly tossing back and forth casting ideas for months now, but Rosario Dawson was a pretty immediate lock. I don’t know what it is about her, but she has so much force of presence, and I can easily see her playing this romantic, sexy, badass mom and ex-soldier. Some actresses, I think, might try to paint Alana as either All Serious or super girlish and annoying, but Alana is the kind of character who can be violent, funny, and find inspiration in trashy romance novels. She’s a pretty great character, and I’m sure Rosario Dawson would be excellent in the role.

Runner Up: Lyndie Greenwood

Marko

Kevin Alejandro

Kevin Alejandro is one of Those Actors — you know, the kind that pop up all the time on TV but usually as a recurring guest star, rarely main cast? (Honestly, a lot of this cast fits that bill, so much so that I’ve been playing with the idea of making a list of actors I’d like to see in bigger roles — call it ‘Always a Bridesmaid, Never Main Cast’ or something.) Anyway, I like the guy, particularly for the work he did as Jesus in True Blood. Jesus had a nice affability to him that I think could work particularly well for our funny pacifist Marko. Also, if there’s any way I could get Marko to say brujo for some reason, guys, I’d pay money to see it. I don’t know what it is — no one has ever said brujo as emphatically as Alejandro does. It cracked me up every single time he did it in True Blood.

Runner Up: Pedro Pascal

Izabel

Bex Taylor-Klaus

Izabel might be my favorite character in Saga, which is probably why we struggled so hard trying to find someone for the role. But I enjoy Bex Taylor-Klaus immensely (in Arrow, iZombie, The Librarians, etc.), and though Izabel’s a great deal, er, pinker than Taylor-Klaus’s usual roles, she’s spunky and sarcastic as hell and just a lot of fun. And, like Kevin Alejandro, I’d really like to see this actress in a main cast somewhere, preferably on a show that didn’t utterly suck. (So, don’t fail me, Scream.)

Prince Robot IV

Robert Picardo (voice)

You know, it’s harder than you’d think, casting a robot prince with a TV for a head. You’re automatically casting for voice, not expression, but the dude’s also a chief antagonist who’s rocking a hardcore case of PTSD, so you do want someone with a bit of range. Perhaps I was thinking of Picardo’s work in Justice League (where he voiced Amazo, an android who assimilates everyone’s superpowers), but as soon as I thought of him, I was like, “Finally, I got it.”

The Will

Faran Tahir

I think I first saw Tahir in Iron Man, but he really impressed me in Star Trek, mostly because he only had about two minutes to make me care about him, and I did. And then I enjoyed him as Adwin Kosan, one of the regents in Warehouse 13, and I’m like, “You know, this guy is kind of awesome. I am officially ready to see him in bigger, more complex roles. Like an assassin who’s on a quest for revenge with a giant cat that always knows when you’re lying. Yeah, that’d be cool.”

Runner Up: Mark Strong

Lying Cat

Keith David (voice)

Apparently — and I only just found this out — Lying Cat is female, something I either didn’t notice or completely forgot while casting. I’m going to go ahead and stick with my original choice, though, because Mekaela and I didn’t even have to discuss this one. My immediate instinct was to cast Keith David, and when I asked Mek, “Hey, you have anyone in mind for Lying Cat?” she instantly replied, “Keith David.” Mek and I agree on a lot, but this kind of ridiculous synchronicity is usually summed up as ‘fate.’

Gwendolyn

Naomie Harris

I know I fall back on Naomie Harris a lot, probably more than I should, but I can’t help it — I just like this woman. She won my heart forever in 28 Days Later, and nothing I’ve seen her in since suggests that her total badassary as Selena was some kind of one-off. Gwendolyn is completely in Harris’s wheelhouse, and I just know I’d enjoy the hell out of her performance.

Klara

Ivonne Coll

I’ll be honest here — I’m really only familiar with Ivonne Coll from Teen Wolf, but I liked her in Teen Wolf (her performance was always solid and intimidating, even if some of her material was silly) and I definitely think she could play this pissed off, stubborn, warrior who’s contemptuous of her son’s pacifist ways and downright eager to engage in some bloodshed and do what needs to be done.

Gale

Reed Diamond

Okay, Reed Diamond could probably play this role in his sleep, but — fuck it, I like Reed Diamond, and he seems like he could be a good fit for the arrogant, snarky agent. Anyway, he seemed a touch less obvious than Mark Pellegrino.

D. Oswald Heist

Danny Glover

Because when you think an old man who’s a trashy romance writer/secret pacifist revolutionary who’s also a cyclops, you think Danny Glover, don’t you? Sure you do.

The Brand

Lena Headey

The Will and The Brand are siblings, and yes, I’ve cast actors from different ethnicities — because these are the actors I like best, and you know, why not? There are a bazillion families who don’t have the same skin tone — hell, my family doesn’t have the same skin tone, which is particularly noticeable in summer when my ghostly pale ass stands next to my mother. And dude, Lena Headey would ROCK IT as The Brand. Of this, I have no doubt.

Runner Up: Sarah Shahi

The Stalk

Natalie Dormer

Because look at this picture and tell me she wouldn’t be AMAZING.

That’s all for now, kids. If you read Saga, let me know some of your own casting choices, particularly if you have someone for Sophie. I couldn’t think of anyone for her.

Deadpool

Warning: This is the red-band trailer. Definitely NSFW.

Dude. This looks AWESOME.

I wasn’t real familiar with Deadpool when X-Men: Origins came out, so while any number of things about that movie enraged me (adamantium bullets, for instance), I didn’t have any particular nerd fury for the bullshit that happened to Deadpool himself. Of course since then I’ve learned a bit more about the Merc with the Mouth, and I’ve been excited to see Ryan Reynolds in a real Deadpool movie for years.

And this? This looks pretty on point. Foul language, mindless violence. Extra snarky breaking of the fourth wall. “You look like Freddy Kreuger fucked a topographical map of Utah” is now one of my favorite lines of all time.

Captain America: Civil War? You officially have competition for Most Anticipated Movie of 2016.

Suicide Squad

Okay, this trailer came out forever ago, but it’s been a while since I posted one of these things and I don’t think I ever covered it. So. Basic impressions?

A. The music’s awesome.

B. I’m definitely feeling Harley Quinn in this.

C. I’m not really feeling Amanda Waller yet, and I’m not entirely sure why. I swear, it’s not just because Viola Davis isn’t CCH Pounder. Probably. I know Davis is a hell of an actress, and she totally might grow on me. Still kind of wish she’d put on some weight for the role, though.

D. The bad guy in the Batman mask cracked me up.

E. I don’t know if I’m quite as excited as other people are (or were, when the trailer was actually fresh), but I’m sure I’ll see it in theater.

F. The Joker’s working for me so far. I kind of want to steal some purple gloves from the hospital and Five Minute Cosplay this shit. (Er. But with a shirt on. There will be no Topless Five Minute Cosplays around here.)

The Last Witchhunter

Okay, this is some goofy shit. Obviously, I’ll have to see it.

Riddick is an immortal witch hunter. Frodo is a sidekick priest. Ygritte is a dreamwalker, and Michael Caine . . . well, he’s Michael Caine, so, mentor. (Secretly villain mentor? Or just soon-to-be dead mentor? It’s hard to tell, this early in the game.) Also, while I didn’t notice her in the trailer, Bex Taylor-Klaus is apparently somewhere in this, so yeah. I want to see it.

Be the glorious cheese you appear to be, The Last Witchhunter. Be ridiculous as all get out.

Spectre

If I’m being honest, this trailer doesn’t do much for me. Not that it’s bad, just . . . you know. I watched it, I shrugged, I moved on. I’m only a so-so James Bond fan to begin with, though, so I suppose that isn’t so surprising. Still, I’ll probably see it, unless it gets some pretty spectacularly negative reviews. I did like Skyfall pretty well, although I didn’t think it was perfect by any means.

I will say this, though: at some point in my life, I’d really love to ominously tell someone, “It was me, James. The author of all your pain.” That’s some badass shit, right there. I should sneak up behind my co-workers and whisper that. Oooh, no, I should whisper it to patients! That’s definitely the kind of behavior that won’t get me fired.

And finally . . . The Martian

The actual trailer for this movie came out about a month ago, but I’ve been really enjoying watching these little video introductions to the characters. In this one, a psychologist interviews the crew after they’ve each spent ten days in isolation. Having read the book, I feel qualified to say that both the tone and the characters seem spot-on, particularly Mark Watney and Commander Lewis.

I’m actually really looking forward to this movie. There’s a lot I enjoyed about reading The Martian, but I also had a number of hang-ups with the prose and, well, let’s just call them punctuation idiosyncrasies. These aren’t likely to be problems in a film adaptation, though, so I’m very curious to see if I might enjoy the movie more than the book. This has happened before, but only when I’ve watched the movie first. I’ve never read a book, then seen the movie, and thought, You know what? The movie was better.

Will this be the movie to break that trend? Guess we’ll find out in October.

Captain America: Civil War

Ah, fandom. Half of it’s like “STEVE AND BUCKY 4EVER!” and half of it’s like “ZOMG, did you SEE Black Panther?” But I’m just sitting here, alone and weeping, like, “But . . . but . . . so was I?” Actually, there are billions of Tony/Steve shippers out there, so I assume they’re crying with me, but for some reason I haven’t seen much from them so far. I guess I have more Stucky shippers on Twitter. (Also, I don’t really ship Tony and Steve, but I have such a huge thing for them being antagonistic friends who totally need each other, and this trailer is breaking my heart, damn it.)

All in all, Civil War looks pretty awesome. Of course, so did Age of Ultron, which isn’t even fair because that was pretty awesome; it just could’ve been better, and I still find that I’m disappointed in it. But I’m into this movie, despite myself. I think my main concerns remain the same:

a) I really need them to sell me on Tony being all pro-registration, because even with his presumed Ultron guilt, that’s a hard sell.

b) I need to really feel like both sides have a point because if half our heroes turn into assholes for no reason at all, I’m gonna be pissed.

c) I want Bruce Banner, goddamn it. (This is less of a serious concern and more of a personal woe because I’m a Banner fangirl, but also because not having him in a story where General Thunderbolt Ross is a major player kind of bugs me. Besides, can you imagine the Stark Spangled Banner angst? It would be INCREDIBLE.)

Obviously, I’m going to watch the hell out of Civil War. But it’s always hard, managing fangirl squee and realistic expectations. (I know, I know. First world nerd problems.)

DC Legends of Tomorrow

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Marvel/DC Movie/TV divide . . .

I’m not quite as psyched about this as other people, but I’m definitely going to give it a shot, especially considering I watch Arrow and Flash even when they continuously annoy me. (In Arrow’s defense, it’s been annoying me a lot less this season. Although it’s still only November. It has time.)

My thoughts on this particular trailer are as follows:

A. Vandal Savage kind of reminds me of Evil Jesus.

B. Heat Wave doesn’t appear to be toning it down even a little, and this concerns me. I’m not sure I can deal with Dominic Purcell at a 1000% intensity every single episode. I have a hard enough time dealing with him when he guest stars on The Flash as it is. Maybe he’ll be a big surprise death early on? (Also, Atom has an excellent point about trusting these dudes with a time machine.)

C. Boo, Hawkman. Although that’s not really fair. I just hated him on JLU, and presumably he’s not even the same Hawkman, considering Hawkgirl isn’t the same Hawkgirl. (I’m still deeply disappointed by this, but hopefully I’ll like Kendra, or at least become less resentful of her. It’s just, I loved Shayera, damn it. She was my very favorite on that show, second only to Batman, and Kevin Conroy’s Batman, even, who is obviously the best of all Batmans.)

D. I’m interested to see how/if this show will ever fuck with the other shows’ timelines, considering they’re apparently going to mess up shit in the past, and Arrow and Flash are both in the same universe. (And especially because Cisco’s whole deal has to do with parallel timelines/worlds and whatnot.) I might be over thinking it, though, because it’s not like Arrow and Flash can reboot their whole series every time someone on Legends screws up and saves someone who’s supposed to die or whatever. Still. I’m curious.

E. RORY!!!!!!!!!

The Forest

Like any sane person, I love Natalie Dormer and want to see more of her, but I can’t help but find this trailer pretty underwhelming. Maybe it’s because I just read a book set in Aokigahara that was chockfull of great, creepy-as-fuck imagery, but this looks incredibly generic to me. Nothing about it seems interesting: not the story, not the cinematography, certainly not the white (and almost certain) love interest. I mean, it’s not Gods of Egypt bad or anything–if you look at the cast on IMDB, you will actually see Asian people in it–but I can’t help but feel like it might not have been a terrible idea, having at least one of your leads be Japanese in a horror movie set in Japan.

Maybe this one’s better than it looks, but right now, my interest level is at zero, even with Natalie Dormer and Aokigahara involved.

A Monster Calls

Man, this looks gorgeous. Which is not at all surprising, considering J.A. Bayona (El Orfanato) directed it. The trailer above is only a teaser (not shocking, as the movie doesn’t come out for another year), but I’m already pretty excited about it, especially because of Bayona, and also because it’s based on a Patrick Ness book. (I haven’t read any of his work yet, but it’s on my to-do list. I’m especially interested in The Rest of Us Just Live Here.)

I’ve got to say, though: I’ve already seen a handful of these dark and beautiful fantasies where the main kid (or one of the main kids, anyway) tragically dies, and while I like those particular stories . . . I’m really hoping this one goes a different way.

Moonwalkers

And then there’s this. (NSFW, people.)

Moonwalkers looks very weird. Potentially funny, but possibly not my kind of humor, which is unfortunate since a movie about Ron Perlman and Rupert Grint very badly trying to fake the moon landing sounds kind of awesome. I’m all for the gory violence, but it’s clearly a WTF movie, and those come in so many shades.  I’m worried this one might end up being too surreal acid trip for my tastes. I got kind of a weird Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas vibe from it, and that was one of the very rare movies I actually didn’t finish. (Admittedly, it’s been roughly twelve years since I last tried it.)

Still, this is potentially interesting. I’ll be curious to see reviews and go from there.

And finally . . . The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Oh, seriously, what the hell.

Guys. GUYS. Snow White and The Huntsman? Not a good movie. It’s a pretty terrible movie, actually, so the fact that it’s getting a sequel at all is a little weird to me, but the people who are starring in it, like, WHY? I’ll give Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth the benefit of the doubt and assume they were contractually obligated to return, but Emily Blunt? Jessica Chastain? You are better than this. How much are they paying you compared to the millions of dollars you could be making working on anything else?

And man, do I need people to stop pretending that Kristen Stewart’s absence will make this movie so much better, like she was the only reason the first movie failed, cause seriously. What total horseshit. I’m not a huge Stewart fan myself, but she is far from the worst thing about that movie. Pretty much everything was a fail. Thin plot. Logic holes the size of Venus. Chris Hemsworth’s supposedly Scottish accent. The poor casting choice of the dwarves. The complete plot irrelevance of the dwarves. Snow’s supposedly inspirational speech and, oh yes, Charlize Theron herself. I’m sorry, guys. I ADORE Theron after Fury Road, just like the rest of the internet, but her performance in Snow White is TERRIBLE. And not only is she back, but it appears that evil baby sister Emily Blunt is going to mimic Theron’s performance by taaaaaalking liiiiiike THISSSSSS the whole time. (On a semi-related note, I wonder if they’ll remember to mention the Wicked Queen’s dead brother from the first movie. I say they forget.)

I feel like I should talk some about the apparent plot of this movie, but . . . it just looks so silly and contrived. It’s apparently not a prequel, though, like I originally thought–which is just as well, since Jessica Chastain’s character is the only one I’m even remotely interested in, and that would mean she’s the Huntsman’s tragically dead wife. On the other hand, Wikipedia tells me that Snow White chose Will after all, and while the ending technically does leave the love triangle open . . . come on, guys, everyone knows that Will was no serious threat to Magic Lips Hemsworth. (Amusingly, Will is going to be in this movie too, even though Snow White isn’t. Like, what?)

If I actually end up watching this, it’s definitely going to be another drinking game night.

It’s interesting. I work night shift and sleep during the day. My sister works evenings and sleeps during the night. I work two weekends a month. My sister works three weekends a month. We never have the weekend off together, so there’s really only one weekend every month that we’re both working . . . and yet Netflix has somehow managed, once again, to pick that precise weekend to release Jessica Jones, ensuring that it would take much longer than our little geek hearts would like to marathon the shit out of it.

I think what I’m trying to say here is, “Screw you, Netflix.” But also, kind of not? Cause while Jessica Jones isn’t perfect, it’s still pretty damn awesome.

DISCLAIMER:

Mild to moderate SPOILERS here. I won’t reveal any big plot developments before the Spoiler Section (where I will also discuss big happenings in Daredevil, so beware), but if you haven’t watched the show yet and have been religiously avoiding any analysis/criticism/praise of the show, you should probably also skip this review. Cause there are, like, Themes and Issues. We will definitely be discussing the Themes and Issues.

SUMMARY:

Jessica Jones (Krysten Ritter)–super strong, can kinda/not really fly, not terribly nice, and drinks like a damn sailor–is just trying to make it one day to the next as a private investigator after surviving a horrifically traumatic experience at the hands of Evil-as-Fuck Kilgrave (David Tennant). But when the previously assumed dead Kilgrave returns, Jessica has to decide if she can rise to the role of hero and get rid of her nemesis once and for all.

NOTES:

1. So, I really enjoyed Jessica Jones. I think it’s got some plotting problems, particularly in the second half, but there’s a whole lot I think this show does amazingly well, including some stuff I’ve never seen from Marvel before. Let’s look at our heroine first.

It’s not surprising that Jessica Jones is so different from the other Marvel female leads, considering how little competition there is in that department. If we’re talking only heroes or heroines who are the undisputed lead of their own movie or television show (and haven’t simply been a lead in a team story like Agents of SHIELD or X-Men), well. For boys, we’ve got Wolverine, Spiderman, Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor, Daredevil, and Ant-Man. For girls, we’ve got Agent Carter. And now Jessica Jones.

Out of any of them, girl or boy, Jessica Jones is easily the most antihero of the bunch. She’s flawed as hell: mean, closed off, regularly makes poor life choices. She’s also funny and sympathetic and, most importantly, a person. Whenever anyone talks about likable characters, there’s always that one dude who rolls his eyes because he equates likable to infallible, but Jessica Jones fucks up all the time and yet I still give a damn about her. That’s the difference. (A small rant: the only time in the whole series when I didn’t like Jessica was in the pilot, when she was spying on people and the show stops to have a funny at the idea of fat people exercising. Man. I’ve never seen that joke before, and I don’t have any idea why the idea of exercising in public sometimes makes me uncomfortable. In related news, bite my sweet chunky ass, show.)

Krysten Ritter does a fantastic job in the role. I read the entire Alias omnibus by Brian Michael Bendis in like two days and fell in love with it, so I was really hoping Ritter would make it work, and she does. It’s funny, too, because the first thing I ever saw her in was Veronica Mars, and man, Jessica Jones is about as far away from Gia Goodman as you can possibly imagine. It kind of makes me want to rewatch the second season now, just to giggle.

2. What makes Jessica Jones so great isn’t that she’s an antihero, or at least, it isn’t just that she’s an antihero. (Female antiheroes are generally less well-tolerated than male ones, though, so yeah, it is kind of nice to get a woman who just doesn’t give a shit.) It’s also that she is a victim who isn’t only a victim.

One of the things I like about this show is that we get to see Jessica’s life before Kilgrave, as well as after. I like this primarily because we find out that that she wasn’t some perfectly happy, well-adjusted, disgustingly sweet girl before suffering a trauma that turned her into this completely different person. Trauma affects everyone differently; what it doesn’t do is turn you from one one-note cliche into a different one-note cliche, and using rape as a lazy shorthand for Loss of Innocence is cheap and kind of gross. That’s not what Jessica Jones does here. This is very much a survivor’s story, and it’s her story, not her rapist’s or her parents’ or her boyfriend’s. That’s excellent to see.

3. And it’s important to note, too, that Kilgrave is a very different kind of villain than we’ve seen from Marvel before.

The vast majority of Marvel villains are boring as hell, and their motivation usually falls under one of the following: wants revenge, wants to destroy the world, wants to make the world a better place (which, generally, means ruling it with an iron fist). There are, of course, examples of good villains who are motivated by any or all of those things, but so many of them are predictable and flat. I’ve found myself pretty bored by even the ones who were endlessly praised, like Wilson Fisk in Daredevil, who never struck me as terribly original and, in all honesty, often seemed unnecessarily over the top. (Sometimes, just for fun, I still like to hiss, “This CITTTTTTTY.”)

But even if Vincent D’Onofrio’s performance worked for you, as it worked for many, I don’t think you can argue that Fisk brings anything new to the table when it comes to villainy and the types of superhero stories we tell. Kilgrave, though. Kilgrave is basically the personification of male entitlement. Other Marvel villains have certainly been entitled little shits–Loki, for instance–but the way their stories are crafted are entirely different. Loki wants adulation on a macro-level; he wants a throne on top of the world with all of humanity on its knees. He doesn’t need his subjects to love him; he just wants their obedience and fear.

But while Kilgrave is also all about power and fear, he’s after a different kind of control, more insidious and, in a way, much more commonplace. Take this bit of dialogue here between Kilgrave and Jessica:

Kilgrave: “We used to do a lot more than just touch hands.”
Jessica: “Yeah. It’s called rape.”
Kilgrave: “What? Which part of staying in five star hotels, eating in all the best places, doing whatever the hell you wanted, is rape?”
Jessica: “The part where I didn’t want to do any of it! Not only did you physically rape me, you violated every cell in my body and every thought in my godamn head.”
Kilgrave: “That’s not what I was trying to do–”
Jessica: “It doesn’t matter what you were trying to do. You raped me again and again and again.”

Or this, a moment later:

Jessica: “You blame bad parenting? My parents died. You don’t see me raping anyone.”
Kilgrave: “I hate that word.”

I doubt Loki would have responded like that, insisting that how he raped her makes any difference, or going so far as to delude himself into thinking that he didn’t rape her at all. Loki wants to be king; if he’s going to rape anyone, he probably just figures that’s his right. Kilgrave, though, doesn’t like the word, because he–like a lot of rapists–doesn’t think that’s what he’s actually doing; he thinks of himself as somehow better than that. It’s that same idea that husbands can’t rape their wives, or that prostitutes can’t be raped by their clients, or that date rape is somehow a lesser form of Real Rape. None of it is actually rape, people like Kilgrave incorrectly argue.

What makes Kilgrave particularly successful as a villain–and Jessica Jones as a story–is that it’s not just, like, The Man Who Raped Jessica Jones Has Come Back! Will She Defeat Him? Go Cry In a Shower Till a Man Rescues Her? Get Raped Again? It’s not just about one traumatic act–Jessica Jones is a whole study in abuse dynamics and victim blaming. Kilgrave doesn’t just want to kill our hero (or break her publicly only to kill her later, a standard silly supervillain trope). He wants to (figuratively and literally) control her, own her, possess her body and soul. He wants her to perform for his every whim and desire, and that, that is a story that Marvel has not yet told.

Kilgrave is easily the creepiest and certainly one of the best villains Marvel has ever had. He’s watchable because he’s David Tennant and has some of the funniest lines in the series, but he’s also a gross, possessive, emotionally abusive stalker, and I was very relieved to see that the show in no way let him off the hook.

4. One of my other favorite things about Jessica Jones: Trish.

I’ll be honest: I wasn’t actually expecting to like Trish. A heroine’s non-powered BFF? Not always the best character on a show, and I was very afraid that she’d end up bitching at Jessica the whole time about, oh, not being the right kind of hero, or never being there for Trish, or thinking obviously stupid things were more important than Kilgrave. There are so few good female friendships on TV, and I wasn’t actually expecting this to be one of them.

But Trish and Jessica might actually have one of the best female friendships I’ve ever seen. For starters, Trish isn’t annoying and does understand how priorities work. She doesn’t have powers, but she’s not completely useless, either, and that’s always nice to see. But also Trish and Jessica share a complicated history, one that doesn’t revolve around a man they both love or anything like that. They’re not always happy with one another, but they fight for each another, love each another, and it’s really great to watch, especially as the series progresses. Like I said, it’s hard enough finding shows that feature female friendships, much less ones where the heroine’s most important relationship isn’t romantic in nature.

(Supergirl is trying to do this, too, I think, with Kara and Alex, but so far I don’t think it’s been quite as successful. They’ve had some nice moments and I have liked the last few episodes more than the first three, but I’m still struggling with some of the dialogue, and other than just being annoying, I think that the love triangle bullshit is damaging. Trish is more important to Jessica Jones than Luke Cage; there’s no doubt in my mind. Alex vs Jimmy Olsen, though . . . I don’t know. I think that’s hazier, even though it absolutely shouldn’t be.)

5. Of course, it can’t all be fannish squee and OMG.

So, this is Simpson (Wil Traval). And Simpson kind of sucks.

To detail exactly why Simpson sucks, I’d have to spoil stuff, so we’ll save that for later. For now, I’ll say that while his character doesn’t start so bad, he goes downhill pretty quickly and never recovers. Simpson’s subplot feels rushed and mostly inconsequential, to the point where I feel like I could excise his character from the show entirely with only a few changes. And he makes decisions that, for one reason or another, I just don’t buy. The outline is there–I can see how the arc was supposed to go–but the emotion behind the driving action just isn’t. Whether that’s a writing flaw, an acting flaw, or a bit of both, I haven’t yet decided, but Simpson’s definitely a problem for me here.

6. And as much as I love the Jessica Jones vs. Kilgrave story, I think it’s a little stretched out over thirteen episodes. Ten might have been perfect, but at thirteen there are some repetition and convenience problems, so I think it should either have been a shorter season altogether, or there should have been a little more procedural/case of the week stuff earlier on. Everyone knocks a show for the Case of the Week formula, but sometimes I think it can be used well, and I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping to see a little more of it after reading Alias. (Of course, the case I most wanted to see would never have happened, but Christ, I would have given anything to see it cause, like, it includes Captain America. And a sex tape.)

7. As far as other characters on this show:

Malcolm (Eka Darville)

For the most part, Malcolm works pretty well for me. When he first popped up, though, I was definitely like . . . huh . . .  because he’s very much a different character in the comics. And while I couldn’t stand that character and wanted him to change, the way the show changed him seemed pretty random to me and possibly verging just on the side of casually racist. But then the story turned, and Malcolm suddenly got a lot better for me. I think my only real problem with him is in the penultimate episode of the series, where he has a change of attitude that I didn’t fully buy, didn’t seem particularly necessary, and only lasts for an episode anyway. But that’s definitely a writing thing, not an acting thing.

As far as acting goes, I think Darville’s pretty good. Bonus points for the fake American accent, a sentiment that cannot at all be shared by his Aussie cast members. Rachael Taylor? Wil Traval? You guys aren’t fooling anyone.

Luke Cage (Mike Colter)

. . . you know, I don’t have any real deep thoughts about Luke Cage. It’s not because he’s bad or anything. Mike Colter is totally solid in the role, and I’m minorly interested in seeing his show now. (An aside: what do you mean, ‘minorly’ isn’t a real word, spellcheck? If majorly is a word, ‘minorly’ should absolutely be a word. Fuck you, red squiggle line. I do what I want.) If any relationship could be considered ‘complicated,’ well, Luke Cage and Jessica Jones certainly fit the bill. But that’s about as deep as my analysis goes: he has some nice moments and he’s fairly attractive and . . . yeah. That’s what I’ve got.

(Actually, while Colter’s clearly good looking, I personally much prefer Eka Darville. Then again, I tend to like less muscles. This is just like How to Get Away With Murder all over again, when everybody ws busy fanning themselves over Billy Brown’s truly ridiculous washboard abs, and I was all like, “Eh, that’s way too big for me. Let’s go back to Jack Falahee or Conrad Ricamora, shall we? WAY more my type.”)

Jeri Hogarth (Carrie-Anne Moss)

Jeri is quite the ice-bitch. Carrie-Anne Moss plays her to perfection; she is sharp, conniving, and not particularly moral, but certainly not an out-and-out villain, either. She is a character with a ton of power and I generally enjoyed watching her, even when she makes some spectacularly terrible decisions. Honestly, my favorite thing about Jeri is probably that she’s a lesbian because her story (which deals primarily with her secretary girlfriend and her extremely bitter ex) is the kind of thing you usually see given to a straight male character. (In fact, Jeri is apparently a man in the comics.) It’s kind of a boring story, given to a guy; plus, as Jeri is not straight or a man, you get three more complicated female characters in the mix, which is great.

All of Jeri’s messy divorce stuff is handled pretty well, particularly since the show never takes the easy way out and makes one character the victim and one character the villain. For instance, on paper, Wendy (Robin Weigert) is a pretty good human being: she’s a doctor, helps the poor, etc., etc., but she’s also pretty awful during this dispute. You can feel sorry for both of the characters while knowing they’re both totally dicks to one another.

8. Finally, before Spoilers, I just want to say that while I enjoyed the fight scenes well enough, none of them really stood out to me, not the way they have in, say, Daredevil or Agents of SHIELD. It certainly makes sense that they wouldn’t be the same, as Jessica Jones is a powerhouse, not a ninja or secret agent, but still, there are only a couple of fight scenes that really made an impression, and I feel like that mostly had to do with the characters involved, less with the choreography itself. It’s not a huge complaint or anything, just that I wouldn’t mind a few more iconic fight scenes in the second season.

That being said, the way Jessica opens up the series is probably iconic enough.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Jessica Jones doesn’t take any major plot lines from Alias, I don’t think, but one of the things that does directly transition from page to screen is the opening.

“And then there’s the matter of your bill.”

Love it.

There’s a lot to cover here, and I should probably try to do so in some kind of ordered, chronological fashion to make sure everything makes sense . . . but first, I feel that I need to calmly and objectively address a small thing that occurs during the series and how I, with complete rationality, feel about it.

CLAIRE. CLAIRE IS THE BEST. CLAIRE AND JESSICA ARE THE BEST. CLAIRE AND JESSICA AND TRISH (WHO IS ALSO THE BEST, BUT NEVER MET CLAIRE) NEED TO HAVE A LADIES NIGHT AND DRINK A WHOLE BUNCH AND KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE ME THIS FANFIC PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Okay, I feel better now. Moving on.

Let’s first talk in more detail about the things that I don’t think work.

A. Kilgrave is captured one too many times.

Jessica, Trish, and Simpson temporarily capture Kilgrave pretty early in the season. Of course, they lose him almost immediately, but still it’s pretty awesome, mostly because it’s just so surprising. Later, they successfully capture him again, this time actually getting him into the Glass Box of Doom until Jeri fucks everything up pretty royally, letting him escape and pretty much getting Kilgrave’s Mom dead, Ex-Wife Wendy dead, and Girlfriend Pam arrested for murder. (Poor Pam. I feel super sorry for her by the end of this story, and I would very much like to see a scene in Daredevil, Season Two, when Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson get her acquitted.)

(Also, as a complete aside: I’m totally amused that nobody in the Kilgrave Family gets to use their natural accent. I’m pretty sure they’re all supposed to be English, but Mommy Kilgrave is American, Daddy Kilgrave is Australian, and David Tennant himself, of course, is Scottish.)

Anyway, that’s all fine. My problem occurs in the very next episode, when Jessica Jones almost immediately gets the upper hand and knocks Kilgrave out, only to lose him for the third time because of an ill-timed mob of stupid people acting stupid. And the thing is, I feel like I kind of get the idea here: victim-blaming happens even among victims, and it’s not like Jessica Jones has entirely endeared herself to the group, but it all feels so rushed and heavily convenient, particularly since this all happens right when Hope is on the verge of finally becoming free. Naturally, Kilgrave escapes AGAIN and Hope ends up dead. (Oh, show. How you are on the nose with your subtle naming practices.)

(I haven’t really talked about Hope yet, and honestly, I’m not really planning to past this paragraph. Erin Moriarty is fine in the role, but can we be real here? The character is basically a giant plot device, and her only actual purpose–other than causing Jessica guilt–is to make sure Jessica can’t murder Kilgrave until the proper time.)

B. Malcolm is super disappointed in Jessica Jones, at least for one episode.

So, Malcolm has this whole crisis of faith thing, feeling like he can’t help anyone, which is fine, I guess. I mean, I get it, and there are decent reasons for him to feel pretty damn depressed about life. But this is also when Malcolm, who has been one of Jessica’s most loyal supporters till now, suddenly turns against her, and it all feels pretty silly and manufactured. You know, it’s another moment where everyone shits on the hero, and guys, at this point I’m pretty sure Jessica’s already been shit on enough. And there’s just zero need for this particular semi-confrontation, since Malcolm’s real emotional conflict is clearly with himself, and he gets over the whole thing in literally an episode anyway. It’s not a huge stumbling block for me, but it all does feel a little cheap.

C. Simpson, however, is absolutely the worst.

So, we are initially introduced to Brainwashed Simpson. He tries to kill Trish, thankfully does not succeed, feels guilty as hell about it, and that all works. He and Trish also started having sex, which is also surprisingly fine, and he and Jessica butt heads a bit, which is totally cool, at least initially. All until Kilgrave escapes (the first time), and then we start having problems.

A lot of it, I think, is that I just don’t buy Simpson’s whole ‘Kilgrave Must Die, No Matter The Cost’ thing. I want to, I mean, I get it: Kilgrave controlled Simpson, nearly made him murder somebody, has absolutely horrifying powers, etc., but Simpson’s opinion on the matter is so rigid it mostly just comes off as flat. Again, I’m not sure if it’s entirely an acting or a writing problem, but I never buy this rage Simpson supposedly has, and it bugs me that he never even addresses the potential problems with killing Kilgrave. Like, it’d be one thing if he thought about it and ultimately dismissed Hope as a casualty of war–see, this is the problem with naming somebody Hope, sentences like that–but Simpson doesn’t even seem to acknowledge those problems, which makes him read like a pretty cheap foil to Jessica for me.

Cause, in a way, Simpson is almost as much of a plot device as Hope. After all, it’s Simpson’s supposed desperation to stop Kilgrave that’s the big instigating factor in his decision to go back to his Ominous Military Past and start taking his Super Aggression Pills again. Which, unfortunately, is a whole other problem because that subplot is pretty poorly handled. It kind of comes out of nowhere, is rushed as hell, and doesn’t actually affect much of the primary action.

Actually, almost everything Simpson does feels like it could have been either written out or handled by a minor secondary character with not much difficulty. Now that I think about it, I almost wish Simpson had been killed in Kilgrave’s first escape attempt; I’m not entirely convinced anything he does afterwards is even remotely worthwhile. The only thing I think I’d miss is the bit where Trish herself takes the Super Aggression Pills, and I can’t help but feel like those could have been introduced some other way.

It was almost, but not quite, as awesome as Alfred on Super Pills in Injustice, Volume 2. Are you people reading that shit? I heart it SO HARD, you guys.

I’m sure this will all become important eventually, either in the second season of Jessica Jones or later in The Defenders, but that doesn’t mean Simpson isn’t a serious problem for me this season. Probably the biggest problem with the whole series, actually.

D. Especially because Simpson unnecessarily kills Detective Clemons (Clarke Peters).

It just feels like a really cheap death. Simpson’s turn to the Dark Side happens way, way too fast for me, so I didn’t buy this moment at all when it happened. I was annoyed because I like Clarke Peters, but also because it felt so deeply unnecessary. It reminded me a bit of Ben’s death in Daredevil, except that Ben’s death felt like a natural part of the storyline, like a reasonable consequence of actions that he was a part of. Not to mention we spent a lot more time with Ben. We know about his motivations and his fears and his sick wife and all that. Clemons, on the other hand, doesn’t get anywhere near that kind of screen time, but I think his death was supposed to have a similar emotional impact, like, it seems like that’s the only reason it happened, not because the story demanded it but because the writers wanted to hit you emotionally with the death of a character you kind of care about, but isn’t the main hero, her love interest, or her best friend. Mostly, it only succeeded in irritating me.

Now, that’s a lot of straight negativity, I know. Like I said before, I don’t think Jessica Jones is perfect. It has some serious plotting and convenience problems for me, things that remains issues no matter how well they handle other stuff. At the same time, though, none of those things ruin the show for me, and how they handle the other stuff is a really big deal.

So, let’s circle back to finish up with some more positive thoughts about Jessica Jones.

A. Seriously, Trish and Jessica are the best.

I was happy when it quickly became apparent that Trish wasn’t going to be some cliché harpy, but I still didn’t expect to actively like her character as much as I did. I love that she has her own emotional shit, separate from Jessica’s, to work through. I really like the story with her mother and how it echoes the themes of the show, the cycle of abuse. (I also enjoy Rebecca De Mornay’s performance, and was annoyed with myself for not initially recognizing her.)

I was also immediately intrigued by Trish’s mystery bruises, and super jazzed that she was training to be a hero. She doesn’t have powers, but she can still kick ass. She gets her ass kicked too, but isn’t completely useless. It’s pretty awesome.

And all that alone would have been enough for me to declare Feminist Victory!, but in the last episode, when Jessica says, “I love you,” to Trish as she’s facing off with Kilgrave . . . man, you guys, that just . . . that just meant the world to me. Cause you’ve got to understand: I really do like some romances and I ship certain characters like whoa, but Hollywood’s obsession with romantic love drives me nuts sometimes because it so rarely affords the time to show other kinds of love. The idea that romantic love means more than the love you have for friends just annoys the shit out of me, probably because that’s never been true in my own life. I don’t think I’m alone in that regard, nor do I think that makes me broken. So yeah, I’m happy that, at the end of the day, this isn’t a story about Jessica and Luke; Luke’s important, and that’s great, but really, this is a love story between Jessica and Trish. That matters to me.

B. I kind of enjoy how there’s never any big moral dilemma about killing people. Like, in Daredevil, that’s Matt’s whole thing as a Catholic, right; he spends the entire season fighting with his desire/fear of killing Wilson Fisk, but Jessica Jones clearly doesn’t give a shit about any of that. The only reason she doesn’t break Kilgrave’s neck immediately is that she’s trying to save Hope; once Hope is dead, murder is back on the table. (SEE? Fuck you ironic fuckers. Hope is the worst name in the WORLD.)

Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman snap a character’s neck before. Just as a side note.

C. The Jewel outfit shoutout? Perfection.

D. Finally, I really do like the last shot of the season, when Malcolm steps in, like, ha, I will be your secretary/sidekick whether you like me or not! (Okay, that’s not really the tone, but still.) Their relationship is interesting, and I’d like to see it develop further in the second season, provided we can forego the manufactured drama of 1×12. (Also, we can just get rid of Robyn. I kind of don’t need to see her ever again.) But just in general, I like this last scene because it ends the series on exactly the right tone. Jessica Jones is a superhero show and also a noir show, and obviously, those are two of my favorite things. It’s great how seamlessly they blend here.

QUOTES:

Jessica: “Clients hire me to find dirt, and I find it. Which shouldn’t surprise them, but it does. Knowing it’s real means they’ve got to make a decision. One, do something about it, or two, keep denying it. Shoot the messenger. Tell me I’m getting off on ruining their already shitty lives. Option two rarely pans out.”

Pam: “Jessica. Did Ms. Hogarth ask you to stop by?”
Jessica: “Yep.”
Pam: “You’re lying, aren’t you–”
Jessica: “Yep.”

Jessica: “Phew. I questioned my whole worldview for a second there.”

Hope’s Friend: “She’s not missing, you know. She’s just holed up with that guy.”
Jessica: “There’s a guy?”
Hope’s Friend: “Of course there’s a guy. Why else would a best friend crap on you?”

Jessica: “It’s people like you who give people like you a bad name.”

Jessica: “They’d rather call you crazy than admit I can lift this car, or melt your insides with my laser eyes, which won’t leave a trace . . . laser eyes. Moron.”

Luke Cage: “You’re a PI?”
Jessica: “I’m just trying to make a living. You know, booze costs money, usually.”

Luke: “So what have you detected?”
Jessica: “Well, I can tell from the residue on this bar that four years ago a man named Horace had buffalo wings.”
Luke: “His name was Melvin.”

Jessica: “Again, I don’t flirt; I just say what I want.”

Trish: “I want to meet Madeline Albright.”
Zack: “I want to meet Channing Tatum, but I’ve never tried to book him on the show.”
Trish: “Yes, you have. He said no.”

Jessica: “Would you put day drinking under experience or special abilities?”

Jeri: “You’re coming across as paranoid.”
Jessica: “Everyone keeps saying that. It’s like a conspiracy.”

Jessica: “I don’t give a bag of dicks what kinky shit you’re into. Just be into it quietly.”

Luke Cage: “Lot of booze for such a small woman.”
Jessica: “I don’t get asked on a lot of second dates.”

Malcolm: “You use sarcasm to distance people.”
Jessica: “And yet you’re still here.”

Malcolm: “You look bad.”
Jessica: “I need money.”
Malcolm: “You can have my TV.”
Jessica: “Thanks, Malcolm. You keep it.”
Malcolm: “I stole it.”
Jessica: “I figured.”

Jessica: “I don’t get you. You have money, looks, a radio show, creepy if not adoring fans, and you’re a freaking household name. What more do you want?”
Trish: “To save the world, of course.”

Clement: “Any idea how a coed from Nebraska gets a gun?”
Jessica: “Wal-Mart?”

Jeri: “The real world is not about happy endings. It’s about taking the life you have, and fighting like hell to keep it.”

Jessica: “You’re the first person I ever pictured a future with. You’re also the first person I ever shot in the head.”

Jessica: “You shoot at me. I’ll pull the bullet out of my ruined jacket and shove it up your ass with my pinky finger, and who do you think that’s going to hurt more?”

Jessica: “You think you’re the only ones who have lost people? You think you’re the only ones with pain? You think you can take your shit and dump it on me? You don’t get to do that! So you take your goddamned pain and you live with it, assholes!”

Neighbor: “She was the strangest tomboy. She wore princess dresses with high tops.”
Kilgrave: “Really? I can’t get her to wear a dress for the life of me.”
Jessica: “I’ll wear one to your funeral.”

Jessica: “Don’t look at him, don’t talk to him, and don’t listen to him.”
Jeri: “Because he’ll mind-control me.”
Jessica: “No, because he’s an asshole. His powers don’t work through a mic, so you’d have to go in the room. Don’t do that, either.”

Luke Cage: “I protect me and what’s mine, but that’s it. Being a hero just puts a target on your back.”

Luke Cage: “You still get points for doing good.”
Jessica: “Not near enough to cancel out the bad.”
Luke Cage: “Way I see it, most people have both going on. Just depends on which wins that day.”

Jessica: “It’s not that. I just really need to get some drugs.”
Trish: “Graduating from alcoholism?”

Jessica: “Trish, what are you afraid of?”
Trish: “Not much anymore. Except clowns, but that’s just common sense.”

Trish: “I let you fight my battles for too long. When you left–”
Jessica: “You became a ninja?”
Trish: “Krav maga.”

Trish: “I hate feeling this way. I don’t know how you handle it.”
Jessica: “It’s called whiskey.”

Jeri: “You know who people hate more than litigators? Puppy killers.”

Pam: “She won’t wait. She wouldn’t listen.”
Jessica: “I couldn’t hear you over that print.”

Jessica: “The last people referred to me wound up dead in my elevator. If Audrey Eastman follows the same path, she won’t be able to pay her legal bills.”

Jessica: “If you wanna talk, or something, they all meet tomorrow night.”
(Simpson makes a face.)
Jessica: “Yeah, I’m not into it, either.”

Simpson: “I had GI Joes until they all burned.”
Trish: “Burned?”
Simpson: “They went into battle to save my sister’s Barbie and melted into one big clump.”
Trish: “That’s terrible.”
Simpson: “Hey! They accomplished their mission.”
Trish: “By dying?”
Simpson: “They rescued Barbie. I mean, the Dream House was gutted, but she had insurance.”
Trish: “You used actual fire? You torched a Dream House?”
Simpson: “I was committed to the scenario.”

Trish: “I might shoot you by accident.”
Simpson: “It’s worth the risk.”

Jessica: “I will not stay in a house with slaves.”
Kilgrave: “Aw, now you’re just being sanctimonious.”

Kilgrave: “I have a conscience. It’s just more selective.”

Jeri: “I’m sorry.”
Wendy: “Well. I’m going to have to ask you to say that with cash.”

Jessica: “You good?”
Malcolm: “You care?”
Jessica: “Just don’t want to be another reason for you to get high.”
Malcolm: “Don’t need a reason.”

Jessica: “You can’t improve on an asshole by making it bigger.”

Luke Cage: “Jessica Jones, you are a hard-drinking, short-fused mess of a woman, but you are not a piece of shit.”

Jessica: “Knowing it’s real means you’ve gotta make a decision. One, keep denying it, or two, do something about it.”

Jessica: “Smile.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Totally different from any other superhero story, Marvel or DC. Convenience problems, yes. Pacing problems, yes. But a great heroine, a great villain, a great female relationship, a lot of three-dimensional female characters, and some really stellar thematic work.

MVP:

Krysten Ritter, I think, because the show relies so heavily on her performance. But David Tenant and Rachael Taylor get some serious props, too.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

You can deny, or you can act. And hint: you should totally act. But either way, there should absolutely be booze.

Okay. One week into 2016 and we finally have the last of my End of the Year posts. Welcome, friends, to the 2015 Movie Superlatives! (Feel free to imagine some loud cheering here, like you’re at a colosseum death match or something.)

Other people are around to tell you the Most Raw Method Performance or the Most Inspirational True Life Story of Whoever. I rarely watch those kinds of movies, though, unless someone’s forcing me to. If, on the other hand, you want to know who won awards like Worst Romance, Most Fabulous Fashion, and Chief Asshat, well, you’ve come to the right place.

OBLIGATORY MY GEEK BLASPHEMY DISCLAIMERS:

1. Any movie I watched for the first time this year, whether it came out in 2015 or not, is eligible. Movies are also eligible if it’s been so long since I’ve seen them that I remember virtually nothing about what happened.

2. I’ve created my typical Spoiler Section to discuss the more plot twist-y and death awards, but be warned: I am going to talk about the movies at least a little above that line. So if you haven’t seen the film in question and don’t want to know anything about it, like, scroll faster or something.

FAVORITE FEMALE HEROINE

TIE!

Furiosa (Mad Max); Ilsa (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); Rey (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

I know. Starting off with a tie from the get-go, and a three-way one at that? I assure you, I’m properly ashamed of myself, but, well, I got over it, because I tried and tried and could not pick between these three women. Which, actually, is kind of awesome.

On one hand, Furiosa is obviously great. She is super competent and a better shot than our hero and has her own agenda that doesn’t have anything to do with winning a man. I was super bummed when I realized the planned sequel didn’t include her character because while I really enjoy Mad Max himself, Furiosa kind of owned that movie for me.

But Ilsa is also made of win. She saves the hero’s life no less than four times throughout Rogue Nation. She’s funny and kickass and I’m deeply happy that she, at least, is on board for the next Mission Impossible movie. In fact, I would happily watch either of these two ladies in their own spin-off franchises.

And then, of course, there’s Rey, our new chosen one from the Star Wars franchise. Rey is fun and scrappy and just basically everything a girl nerd could hope for in a Star Wars heroine. She was delightful to watch on the big screen, along with Furiosa and Ilsa, so yeah. I refuse to pick.

Honorable Mentions: Black Widow (Age of Ultron); Claire (Don’t Blink); Rita (Edge of Tomorrow)

BEST SIDEKICK

The Dog – The Artist

I feel a little bad, picking a dog over Simon Pegg (who would surely have won this award otherwise), but . . . this dog is just so cute, and useful too, like, he saves lives and everything. In fact, he’s kind of like Lassie, but way, way more adorable. (I don’t know what it is I have against Collies. I’ve just never particularly cared for them.)

Honorable Mentions: Benji (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); Stu (What We Do in the Shadows)

BEST SCENE STEALER

TIE!

Bill Paxton – Edge of Tomorrow & Jena Malone – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II

Oh, Bill Paxton. I just adore this guy. In the grand scheme of things, his character really isn’t particularly important, but Paxton brings such energy and humor to the role that he effectively steals the scene from Tom Cruise every single time they share it.

Still, I love everything about Jena Malone’s performance in The Hunger Games movies, too, except how little of it we get. Johanna is such a defiant, fierce, and unapologetically bloodthirsty badass, and I want to see Malone headline an antihero action film now.

Honorable Mentions: Benedict Wong (The Martian); John Goodman (The Artist); Coma-Doof Warrior (Mad Max: Fury Road)

BEST DYNAMIC DUO

Max & Furiosa – Mad Max: Fury Road

This was tough. Rey & Finn are right up there (Finn & Poe too, although they share less screen time), but ultimately I decided to go with Max and Furiosa because . . . well, just because I loved these two. I watched this movie and immediately went home and drowned myself in all kinds of Max & Furiosa fanfiction. (I don’t particularly ship Max/Furiosa in the movie itself, but I enjoyed reading shipper and friendship fic alike.) I didn’t just want them to have more individual adventures, you see; that would still be cool, but really, I wanted them to have more adventures together. They’re an awesome team, and I would pay good money to watch more of them.

Honorable Mentions: Rey & Finn (Star Wars: The Force Awakens); Finn & Poe (Star Wars: The Force Awakens); Ethan & Ilsa (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation), George & Dog (The Artist)

BEST CASTING

James Spader – Avengers: Age of Ultron

This was incredibly close. There were a lot of great casting calls this year, and I almost gave this one to Colin Firth in Kingsman: The Secret Service because it was just such an inspired and unlikely choice. Ultimately, though, I had to go with James Spader, partially because it was so nice to see Marvel finally manage to come up with a charismatic villain besides Loki, but mostly because James Spader plays Ultron almost like he’s playing Tony Stark, and that really, really worked for me. (Ultron, BTW, also takes BEST VILLAIN.) I found him delightful, and I’m not convinced that there’s another actor out there who would have been more suited to the role.

Honorable Mentions: Colin Firth (Kingsman: The Secret Service); Clark Gable (Gone With the Wind); Malin Ackerman (The Final Girls); Eleanor Audley (Sleeping Beauty); Jean Dujardin (The Artist); Bérénice Bejo (The Artist); Emily Blunt (Edge of Tomorrow); Rebecca Ferguson (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); Sidney Poiter (In the Heat of the Night); Charlize Theron (Mad Max: Fury Road); Matt Damon (The Martian); Daisy Ridley (Star Wars: The Force Awakens); John Boyega (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

WORST CASTING

Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls

Look, this is low-hanging fruit, I know. Showgirls has virtually nothing going for it. You certainly can’t blame the whole movie on Berkley’s performance when the entire thing is one colossal, boob-tastic train wreck . . . but still, she’s pretty unforgivably bad, and I mean right from the very start. I was laughing at her line deliveries within the first three minutes. That’s never a great sign for things to come.

Honorable Mentions: Calvin Lockhart (The Beast Must Die)

WORST WASTE OF AN ACTOR’S CONSIDERABLE TALENT

Gwendoline Christie – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II

Christie also didn’t have nearly enough to do in The Force Awakens, which was disappointing, but at least there will be sequels in which she’ll hopefully come back and have the opportunity to prove how truly awesome she is. Such will not be the case with Mockingjay, Part II, as the series is obviously over. Plus, her role was just even more depressingly useless, like, Commander Lyme truly could have been played by just about anybody. Christie’s a force on Game of Thrones; it sucks that she was so underutilized here.

Honorable Mentions: Kyle MacLachlan (Showgirls); Beth Grant (The Artist)

WORST INSPIRING SPEECH

Finnick’s Distraction Speech – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

I’ll admit, I mostly made this award up last year to make fun of Snow White and the Huntsman, but Finnick’s speech in Mockingjay, Part I was pretty bad, too. Maybe not Snow White bad, but still. It’s distracting and muddled and doesn’t seem to know if it ought to be triumphant or not, which is particularly unfortunate, considering it’s supposed to be a pretty big character moment for Finnick.

WORST PRIORITIES

Let’s Drink and Chat Instead of, oh, Trying to SURVIVE – Fermat’s Room

This is the premise of Fermat’s Room: four brilliant mathematicians are lured into a giant death trap, which is basically the garbage compactor room from A New Hope (but with better furnishings and less underwater monsters). They have a certain amount of time to finish mathematical puzzles, and if they do not solve them in that time, the walls begin closing in. The only way they can stop the walls (at least temporarily) is to correctly solve the puzzle, so you think they’d, you know, get to doing that. And admittedly, it’s obvious from the get-go that the puzzles are just going to keep coming until they’re eventually squished, so yeah, it’s important to figure out why they’re all there in the first place and if there’s another way out. But with the way these characters act, often paying far more attention to their own slowly and dramatically delivered backstories than the actual fucking puzzles their lives depend on, you’d think they didn’t want to survive. Which is frustrating because their apparent apathy towards living cuts a lot of the tension from a really fun premise.

Honorable Mentions: Katniss only cares about saving Peeta (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I); Scarlett’s continued love/obsession with Ashley (Gone With the Wind); Megan flirting with Tommy while her friends go missing (Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives); Jack taking Ella upstairs for a nap/sexy times during seriously spooky shit (Don’t Blink); George’s amazing whininess after his career fails (The Artist)

MOST FABULOUS FASHION

Scarlett’s White Dress – Gone With the Wind

This was not one of my favorite movies of the year, like, at all, but I can’t deny that the fashion was amazing. Scarlett has many dresses to choose from, of course, and I know her curtain gown is probably the more obvious pick, but I fell head over heels for this white dress with the red belt and bow. I didn’t think I was such a sucker for ruffles, honestly, but apparently I am.

Honorable Mentions: Caroline’s Dining Outfit (The Beast Must Die); Maleficent’s outfit (Sleeping Beauty)

WORST FASHION

Tom’s Entire Wardrobe – The Beast Must Die

Between Tom’s disco dining shirt (which is apparently his only fancy shirt, despite being a millionaire, because he wears it for two nights in a row) and his black leather outfit that he reserves for the weird dual purposes of napping and hunting . . . yeah, his wardrobe is as terrible as his wife’s is excellent.

BEST ANALOGY

Why Vampires Drink Virgin Blood – What We Do In the Shadows

I’ll just go ahead and give you the dialogue here:

Deacon: “I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.”
Vladislav: “I think of it like this: if you were going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.”

It’s hard to argue that.

MOST UTTERLY RIDICULOUS TALENT

Eggsy’s Mad Driving Skillz – Kingsman: The Secret Service

Dude. Forget being a spy; this kid should just get rich by doing crazy driving stunts on Youtube and becoming an internet sensation. His joyriding scene is as delightful as it is ludicrous.

WORST HAIR

Sam’s terrible blond surfer cut – Don’t Blink

Dude, why? The only person who even semi-successfully rocked this look was Dick Casablancas, and he was supposed to be a giant tool, probably a natural blond, and ten years younger besides. This does not work for you at all.

Honorable Mentions: Bangs (Fermat’s Room); Zack (Showgirls)

BEST HAIR

Cressida – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I and II

Admittedly, I’m not really sure what Natalie Dormer could do to her hair to make her look less attractive, but. Yes, please. This is fantastic hair. (In fact, I’m still blown away by how great it looked on the red carpet. I might even try out this cut in a couple of years once my hair grows out long enough.)

Honorable Mentions: Ms. Perkins (John Wick)

FAVORITE SCORE/SOUNDTRACK

The Martian

This was an amazing soundtrack. For one, it featured music by David Bowie, Gloria Estefan, Donna Summer, and Gloria Gaynor, making it accurate to the source material (where disco was one of Mark Watney’s primary causes for despair, other than the lack of food and just the whole unfortunate ‘stuck alone on Mars’ thing). But it also just perfectly nailed the fun and upbeat tone of the story.

Honorable Mentions: Kingsman: The Secret Service; The Final Girls; The French Connection

FAVORITE OPENING CREDITS

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

I’m just a huge sucker for opening credits that come with flashes of the film itself. Since that’s always been Mission Impossible’s modus operandi, it’s no surprise Rogue Nation won this one.

Honorable Mention: Fermat’s Room

MOST OVERUSED WORD OR PHRASE

“Mockingjay” – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

I know. It’s the name of your movie. It’s the inspirational code name of your heroine. I really get it. But there’s no need to use the word this many times, especially if you’re all going to keep using it in solemn tones, like, “She’s the Mockingjay.”

I KNOW. WE ALL KNOW. PLEASE STOP TELLING US.

Honorable Mention: “Shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar” (The Final Girls)

MOST WASTED POTENTIAL

The Beast Must Die

This could have been such a fun movie. A dinner party mystery where the guests have to discover which one among them is a werewolf? The cheese potential is FANTASTIC. And yet, aside from the Werewolf Break gimmick (which remains one of my favorite things I’ve seen all year, if not ever), this movie was long and dull and ridiculous in somehow completely boring ways. And let’s just say that the absurd 70’s score didn’t help matters any.

Stop remaking already great movies, Hollywood, and remake something like this.

Honorable Mentions: The Maze Runner; Fermat’s Room

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE

The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Age of Ultron was not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination. (It technically wins FAVORITE SUPERHERO MOVIE by default, but of course then it also wins LEAST FAVORITE SUPERHERO MOVIE too. Yes, I still haven’t seen Ant Man.) I own Age of Ultron and I like a lot about it, but after how awesome The Avengers and Captain America: The Winter Soldier were, Age of Ultron just did not live up to my expectations. There’s far, far too much going on, and while I desperately wanted to ship Bruce and Natasha, their romance felt mishandled to me, rushed and punctuated with some bizarre and kinda sexist presumptions on Bruce’s part, who has, thus far, never struck me as particularly sexist. And with the new lineup of B-team Avengers (save Falcon, who’s clearly the best), my interest in the whole MCU has suffered somewhat as a result.

Honorable Mentions: Don’t Blink; The French Connection

FAVORITE BOOK ADAPTATION

The Martian

Okay, this is kind of a cheat because I didn’t see any other book adaptations this year (or rather, not ones where I’d actually read the book in order to compare it). But it deserves special props for doing what no other book adaptation has ever done for me: I prefer the film to the book, even though I read the book first. And the book’s not bad at all, but it did frustrate way me in some ways that just didn’t happen with the movie. The movie itself is not perfect, of course, but it had a great cast, great cinematography, and was a lot of fun to watch.

FAVORITE BEST PICTURE WINNER

In the Heat of Night

Okay, so I only watched, like, four of my twelve Best Picture winners before just giving up on my challenge and accepting Showgirls/defeat. But I liked In the Heat of the Night. It’s a solid mystery and Sidney Poitier is amazing in it. It still kills me that he didn’t even get nominated for this role.

Honorable Mention: The Artist

LEAST FAVORITE BEST PICTURE WINNER

The French Connection

Gone With the Wind may have driven me desperately insane at certain points, but there was very, very little I liked about The French Connection at all. The score was fun, and there was one good story turn at the end of the movie that I didn’t see coming. One pretty awesome car chase scene. And . . . that’s about all. Otherwise, it was a slow, kind of miserable watch with a protagonist I despised and a story that didn’t seem to be saying much. I’m honestly still at a loss as to why it won so many Academy Awards in the first place.

Honorable Mention: Gone With the Wind

LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE

The Beast Must Die

It’s not just that this is, without a doubt, the worst film I saw all year. It’s presumably very low-budget and also from the 1970’s; I can give it a pass on some things, like egregiously terrible night-for-day shots or using a German Shepherd as a werewolf. (Still beats BTVS. Sorry, Whedon.) But it should have been fun and engaging or, at the very least, entertaining in its ridiculousness, not so tediously slow that you just wanna drive spikes in your eyes. (Well. If you’re the melodramatic sort that favors eye-spiking over more reasonable solutions, like just turning off the movie, that is.)

Albus Dumbledore is in this movie. Grand Moff Tarkin is in this movie. THERE IS AN HONEST TO GOD WEREWOLF BREAK. And still, none of that can save this one from being a total disaster.

Honorable Mentions: The French Connection; Gone With the Wind; Showgirls

FAVORITE MOVIE

TIE!

The Final Girls & Mad Max: Fury Road

If ever there was a movie made just for me, it’s The Final Girls. It’s a hilarious horror comedy, a moving story about grief, a fantastic play on horror tropes, and features not only girl friendships but a romantic lead who actually admits his fear. I hoped I would like this movie, but even I don’t think I was expecting how much I would fall in love with it. (By the by, it also wins for BEST EXAMPLE OF A MOVIE TURNING A STORY ON ITS HEAD.)

But Mad Max: Fury Road was pretty damn awesome too. I had such a great time watching it in theater (it, in fact, narrowly wins out over The Force Awakens and Rogue Nation as my FAVORITE MOVIE I SAW IN THEATERS), and it’s really grown on me over time and with repeat viewings, too. I still feel that its victories in feminism say more about the failings of the action genre than they do about the movie itself (although this year has given us some awesome moments for women in action films, like maybe we’re on an upward trend?), but that doesn’t mean those moments aren’t worthy of praise. And this was just a gloriously, gorgeously, insane two-hour car chase of a movie. This is popcorn done right.

Honorable Mentions: Star Wars: The Force Awakens; Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation; The Martian; Kingsman: The Secret Service

MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE OF 2016

Deadpool

Yeah, it’s not the film I thought I was going to pick, either.

I’m nervous about Deadpool, but mostly because it looks so fucking awesome that I don’t want it to disappoint. (That, and my God, does Ryan Reynolds deserve a win.) I’m super pumped about seeing it because it just looks like so much great R-rated fun, like this really is a superhero story we haven’t seen on the big screen before.)

Civil War, on the other hand, also looks pretty fantastic . . . but I find I’m much more trepidatious about it after being disappointed by Age of Ultron. (Plus, while I love me some angst, I don’t know how much I’m looking forward to Steve vs. Tony or Steve vs. Natasha.) I was into the Star Trek Beyond trailer (yes, Beastie Boys and all), but Into Darkness was my Most Disappointing Movie in 2013, so that impression’s hard to shake. And I’m absolutely going to see Dawn of Justice, but . . . well, my hopes aren’t exactly high.

So, yeah. While there’s a lot of big movies coming this year that I plan to see, I think I’m looking forward to Deadpool more than anything.

Honorable Mentions: Captain America: Civil War; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; Star Trek Beyond; Suicide Squad

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

All right. Here we go with everything else.

WEAKEST FEMALE CHARACTER

Roxy – Kingsman: The Secret Service

I thought for sure Nomi from Showgirls would get this, but as awful as she is, Nomi at least has her own agenda. Roxy, though. Kingsman wants to pretend that Roxy is somehow important, since she becomes Lancelot and has an oh-so-important mission at the end of the movie. But let’s be real here: that mission was bullshit, and Roxy serves zero purpose in this story except to worry about the hero. She is a cliche I’ve seen a dozen times over and is especially disappointing here since Kingsman was, other than its treatment of female characters, a lot of fun.

(Since I’m on the subject: Kingsman also wins FILM THAT SORELY TESTED MY FEMINISM. It’s certainly not more offensive than Showgirls or Gone With the Wind–both of which featured awful, awful rape stories–but in 2015 I kind of want better than useless female characters, sex trophy characters, and bullshit gratuitous ass shots.)

Honorable Mentions: Nomi (Showgirls); Megan (Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives); Oliva (Fermat’s Room); The Princess (Kingsman: The Secret Service); Delores (In the Heat of the Night); Teresa (The Maze Runner)

BEST BROMANCE

Ethan & Benji – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

The Science Bros fangirl in me is dying a little right now, but Bruce and Tony don’t have so much time together in Age of Ultron, and besides, I like Ethan and Benji’s friendship. Because Ethan’s GONE ROGUE, Benji has to fool a polygraph every week and act like the bromance is dead, like he doesn’t still totally heart his big action hero buddy. It’s so damn awwww. Also, Ethan tries to nobly protect Benji and send him out of danger, as BFF spies are wont to do, and Benji, appropriately, yells at Ethan for it. That was a pretty good movie moment for me.

Honorable Mentions: Tony & Bruce (Avengers: Age of Ultron); Finn & Poe (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

BEST LADYMANCE

Max, Vicki, & Gertie – The Final Girls

There isn’t a lot of time spent on girl friendships in Hollywood, so I appreciate it when a movie takes the time to have female characters know other female characters and have dialogue that doesn’t just boil down to “Oh my god, you stole my man!” Here, Gertie and Max are best friends, Vicki and Max used to be best friends, and Gertie and Vicki hate each other. The dock scene between the three of them is just perfect, not to mention the little touches beforehand to show you that Vicki still cares about Max, even though Max pulled away. And Vicki and Gertie dying together, holding hands. UGH. Stop killing my heart, movie.

BEST PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP

TIE!

Rey & Finn – Star Wars: The Force Awakens; Natasha & Steve – Avengers: Age of Ultron

I fear Rey and Finn aren’t going to stay platonic for the rest of the series, but I hope they do, and not just because I desperately ship Finn & Poe. I just really like their energy as a friends, and it would mean a lot to me if Finn was willing to infiltrate the First Order (who he fears more than anything) to save someone he wasn’t in luv with, and likewise, if Rey was desperate to protect him even though she doesn’t necessarily want to ride him like a pogo stick.

But there’s just something about Natasha and Steve, man. I know Natasha and Clint have been best buddies for longer, and my interest in Natasha and Steve being bros is partially fueled by The Winter Solider (where they have much more time together). Still, I just adore that scene in Age of Ultron where Cap’s like, “You and Bruce? Yeah, I ship it.” I just want to watch these two give each other dating advice for, like, ever.

Honorable Mentions: Clint & Natasha (Avengers: Age of Ultron); Rhett & Mellie (Gone With the Wind)

BEST CAMEO

Robert Picardo – Don’t Blink

I know there are probably more high profile cameos from bigger movies that I could have picked, but there’s just something so inherently right about the choice of Robert Picardo as this enigmatic government agent dude who, apparently, never blinks. Maybe I was just happy to see Robert Picardo again. I’m not ashamed of that. I miss you and your totally random opera, Doctor!

Honorable Mentions: Mark Hamil (Kingsman: The Secret Service); Hayley Atwell (Avengers: Age of Ultron); Majel Barrett (Westworld)

WORST ROMANCE

Scarlett & Rhett – Gone With the Wind

Nope. I don’t even want to hear it, you guys. I am not wrong here. YOU ARE ALL THE CRAZY ONES.

Look, Rhett and Scarlett totally had chemistry. I will give you that. And I shipped them too, for a while, but you know when I stopped shipping them? About that unfortunate time when Rhett raped his wife. I know a lot of people don’t consider marital rape to be a thing, and that you have to take the time period into consideration, and that rape is weirdly a part of many romance stories, but . . . nope. Not having it. (This movie wins WORST RAPE MOMENT/SUBPLOT/SCENE as well, but Showgirls came very, very close. These two are just awful to one another, and by the end of this movie I absolutely don’t ship them at all.

Melanie, though. Everyone can be shipped with Melanie.

Honorable Mentions: Nomi & James (Showgirls); Tommy & Megan (Friday the 13th: Part VI: Jason Lives); Sleeping Beauty & Prince Charming (Sleeping Beauty)

FAVORITE OTP

Finn & Poe – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

It may never happen in canon, but it will live forever in my heart. And on A03.

Honorable Mention: Scarlett & Mellie (Gone With the Wind)

BEST BOO-YAH MOMENT

Virgil Tibbs slaps Endicott – In the Heat of the Night

This isn’t necessarily the gasp-inducing and revolutionary moment that it surely was 1967, but it was still extremely satisfying to watch. I love you, Mr. Tibbs.

Honorable Mentions: Furiosa killing Immortan Joe (Mad Max: Fury Road); Furiosa shooting bad guy over Max’s shoulder (Mad Max: Fury Road); Katniss killing Alma Coin (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II); Rey picking up the lightsaber (Star Wars: The Force Awakens); Finn picking up the lightsaber (Star Wars: The Force Awakens); Natasha making the Hulk come out and play (The Avengers: Age of Ultron); Scarlett killing Union Soldier and burying him with Mellie’s help (Gone With the Wind); Ilsa killing the Bone Doctor (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation)

WORST HEART KNOWLEDGE

Brandt and Luther divine Ethan’s location by searching for Ilsa after finding a sketched picture of her in one of Ethan’s hideouts and realizing, somehow, that he trusts her – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Yeah, it’s as dumb as it sounds. Actually, it’s worse: Ilsa’s picture isn’t the only one they find. They also find a picture of Big Bad Solomon Lane. But Brandt and Luther can tell just by looking at Ethan’s sketch that he obviously trusts Ilsa, so that’s whose picture they run through facial recognition. Why they don’t just, I don’t know, run both pictures through facial recognition, I could hardly guess. But apparently they only had time for one, and I’m guessing they could see kindness in Ilsa’s eyes or something?

It is a very special kind of bullshit because there is absolutely zero need for it.

Honorable Mentions: Megan knows that Tommy’s good, somehow (Friday the 13^th, Part VI: Jason Lives); Claire knows Tracy is pregnant just by glancing at her (Don’t Blink); Popeye is sure the deal hasn’t happened yet for no apparent reason (The French Connection)

WORST EXPOSITION

Gone With the Wind

Cause holy shit racism. That’s why.

WORST FORESHADOW

President Snow taunts Katniss – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

Okay, this isn’t dead tribble bad or anything. Still, I groaned out loud when President Snow, smirking as hard as Donald Sutherland can possibly smirk, tells Katniss, “It’s the things we love most that destroy us. I want you to remember that I said that.” They’ve just been talking about Peeta the very second before, so basically everyone in the audience now knows that Peeta is going to try and kill Katniss. But in case it isn’t clear enough, Snow also tells Katniss that he knows the good guys are trying to rescue Peeta, and shortly after that, Gale says, apparently completely befuddled, that Snow just let them go.

Gosh. WHAT COULD IT ALL MEAN?

Honorable Mentions: Chuck’s token (The Maze Runner); “As long as there’s light, we’ve got a chance.” (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

WORST TWIST

Oliva slept with Hilbert – Fermat’s Room

Part of the fun of escape-the-room thrillers is learning what secrets each of our characters are holding and how those secrets fit into the bigger puzzle of why they’re all there and how they’re going to escape. Oliva’s big secret, though, is that she apparently had super depraved sex with the old guy after he seduced her with Sexy Online Chess, all so he could confirm something he could easily have figured out on Google. And that’s it. That’s all our one female character brings to the table. It’s massively disappointing.

WORST DEATH

TIE!

Bonnie Blue – Gone With the Wind & Fermat – Fermat’s Room

Because dying by irony is the very, very worst, unless it’s actually supposed to be vindictive and/or funny. (And even then, it’s a hard trick to pull off.) Little Bonnie Blue dies for even more needless melodrama in the exact same way Scarlett’s father kicked the bucket, while Fermat dies while finally putting on a safety device that’s been triggered to kill him. Needless and annoying, the both of them.

BEST DEATH

Nancy – The Final Girls

This scene also almost won out for Best Individual Song because “Bette Davis Eyes” is now inextricably linked to tears and death in my mind. Thanks, you bastards.

Seriously, though. This is such a good scene. Nancy sacrificing herself so that Max can be the final girl isn’t a hugely shocking plot twist, but it’s still a huge gut punch when it happens, partially because Max has fought so hard to save her, and partially because Nancy is lip-synching the same song that Amanda was when she died. (Before this year, I could never have possibly anticipated that someone doing a PG-rated strip dance while lip-synching to a Kim Carnes song would someday make me tear up. Also, this movie definitely wins MOVIE THAT MADE ME CRY LIKE A BABY, although The Martian was also a surprising contender for that one. Damn you, Matt Damon.)

It’s not surprising that Nancy doesn’t get to live in the real world, going to college and discovering the joys of online shopping, but you’re still hoping for it anyway, so when that hope is taken away, man. Brutal. And yet Malin Ackerman manages to bring a certain amount of joy and love to the scene, which takes serious talent.

Honorable Mentions: Cage — ah, the one where he unsuccessfully tries to roll away to freedom under a truck (Edge of Tomorrow); Harry (Kingsman: The Secret Service); John (Westworld); Gertie & Vickie (The Final Girls)

JIMMY, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Daisy – John Wick

Sometimes, even often, the best executed deaths aren’t necessarily the ones that have you doing your best “Will Smith in Independence Day after Harry Connick Jr. bought the farm” impression. Sometimes, movies kill helpless, adorable dogs.

I won’t pretend I’m one of those people who gets so upset about fictional animal deaths that I can’t watch movies where they take place, but that doesn’t mean I clap with fiendish delight when someone shoots The Most Adorable Dog alive, either. (Really, there should have been a superlative this year about Cutest Dog, but I couldn’t possibly choose between this dog and the one from The Artist. Also, the dog from The Beast Must Die, who wasn’t quite as ridiculously endearing as the first two, but still pretty cute and also the only character you’re really rooting for, alas.)

I knew going in, of course, that Daisy wasn’t going to survive, that this was the movie that would make Dogs in Refrigerators a thing, and still the dog’s death was like, “NOOOOOO! NOT YOU, DOG, NOT YOU!!!!!!”

Honorable Mentions: Vickie & Gertie (The Final Girls); The Dog (The Beast Must Die); Finnick (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II)

ULTIMATE SURVIVOR

Mark Watney – The Martian

Okay, this isn’t much of a spoiler. Can you imagine how depressing of a movie this would be if they didn’t manage to save Matt Damon? Still, the dude got stranded on Mars, and not for like a couple of hours and with a giant supply of hot dogs and Pop Tarts, you know?You manage to fend off starvation by using your own poop to grow potatoes on another planet, and you pretty much have Ultimate Survivor in the bag.

Honorable Mentions: Katniss (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II)

DARWIN AWARD

Duncan – The Final Girls

Because even in a horror comedy, turning your back on the supposedly harmless serial killer to take a selfie with him means you deserve to die. Badly.

CHIEF ASSHAT

Galois – Fermat’s Room

Galois (or Bangs, as I referred to him throughout my review) is just generally a whiny and useless piece of shit throughout the film, but he manages to be this year’s Chief Asshat because, in the midst of a giant temper tantrum, he breaks the one thing that can stop the room he’s in from squeezing shut and crushing him (and others) to death. And let me be clear about this: it’s not like a careless whoopsie, like he drops the PDA and accidentally steps on it because he’s not wearing his glasses or something. The one thing keeping everyone from squishy horrible doom, and Galois throws it to the floor and busts it while acting like a godamn three-year-old.

Ultimately, the good guys escape, but it’s zero thanks to this fucker. Disappointingly, nobody slaps him across the face or tries to drown him in the lake.

Honorable Mentions: Tom (The Beast Must Die); Popeye (The French Connection); Scarlett (Gone With the Wind); Rhett (Gone With the Wind); Tommy (Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives); Sheriff (Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives); Zack (Showgirls); James (Showgirls); Nomi (Showgirls); Iosef (John Wick); Endicott (In the Heat of the Night)

BEST FIGHT SCENE

Harry vs The Westboro Church – Kingsman: The Secret Service

Well, okay. Practically the Westboro Church, anyway.

There were some really awesome fight sequences this year but unfortunately for everyone else, this award was pretty much decided way back in April because the glorious, wanton violence on display here was just on a whole other level. Watching Colin Firth kill the hell out of everybody in that church was easily one of my favorite moments in theater this year; hell, probably one of my favorite theater moments of all time.

Yes, I’m aware that makes me sound like a sociopath. I don’t care.

Honorable Mentions: Max vs. Furiosa & Wives vs. Nux (Mad Max: Fury Road); John Wick vs. Henchmen at Club (John Wick); Hulkbuster vs. Hulk (Age of Ultron); Ilsa & Ethan vs. Henchmen (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); Ilsa vs. Bone Doctor (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); Rey & Finn vs Kylo Ren (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

BEST INDIVIDUAL SONG

TIE!

“Pomp & Circumstance” – Kingsman: The Secret Service; “Think” (Kaleida) – John Wick

Oh, I just give up. These are awesome for completely different reasons. The head-bursting scene set to “Pomp and Circumstance” is just so perfectly hilarious. I laughed so hard watching this in theater. Easily one of my favorite parts of the whole movie.

But I adore “Think” too. (It’s the music that plays for the first 2 1/2 minutes of the video.) It’s awesome and unusual, absolutely not the kind of song that people generally use for scenes like “Big Badass Infiltrates the Bad Guys’ Club.” Fictional violence set to unusual music is the best kind of fictional violence. Also, I own this song and am listening to it now.

Honorable Mentions: “Bette Davis Eyes” – Kim Carnes (The Final Girls); “Mickey” (The Final Girls); “Freebird” – Lynyrd Skynyrd (Kingsman: The Secret Service)

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS MOMENT

The, uh, old mentor returns for some sage advice – Showgirls

Oh, man. This one was hard. The Beast Must Die had some hysterically bad moments, and of course Showgirls is notorious for it’s epileptic aquatic sex scene. But still, there was just something about Robert Davi’s character coming back like he was some godamn Obi-Wan/father figure type instead of, you know, an old rapey boss, and being all, “Saw the show. You were good, real good. You take care, kid . . . it must be weird, not having anybody cum on you.”

I was dying because seriously. What the flying fuck?

Honorable Mentions: Epileptic aquatic sex (Showgirls); The Werewolf Break (The Beast Must Die); The heartless murder of an innocent helicopter (The Beast Must Die); Surviving the car crash (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation); “I never loved you!” (The Artist); “That dog was the final gift from my DYING WIFE.” (John Wick); Gale promising to mercy kill Peeta like it’s some big sacrifice on his part (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II)

WORST PLOT CONTRIVANCE

Not using amnesia darts on kids who fail the Loyalty Test – Kingsman: The Secret Service

Honestly. Why do you even have amnesia darts if you’re not going to administer them to people who prove that they will betray you if violent, squishy death is on the line? There’s no way that King Douchebag (not pictured above) would still have his memories intact after this. And yet he has to, even if it makes absolutely zero sense, because a) he has to screw Eggsy over at an inopportune time and b) if all the flunking recruits got their memories wiped, Eggsy couldn’t save the day at the end.

It doesn’t ruin the movie or anything, but it is pretty stupidly convenient.

Honorable Mentions: Almost all the employees conveniently gathered in one place to die (Westworld); Viggo not killing John Wick (John Wick); Jack taking Ella upstairs for a nap/sexy times (Don’t Blink)

WORST ENDING

Don’t Blink

For the same reason it wins for WORST PAYOFF: there is none. At all. I was surprised by how much I got into Don’t Blink (honestly, the characters and dialogue in this movie are better than 80% of most horror films, at least), but that conclusion didn’t even feel open-ended to me; it felt like the filmmakers had no idea how to solve their mystery and just gave up trying. (Seriously, the hell is up with the weather in this place?) And while that’s probably not the actual case, I was deeply disappointed by this film’s total lack of resolution.

Honorable Mentions: Edge of Tomorrow; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay; Part II; Gone With the Wind

BEST ENDING

The Artist

First, there are worse ways to end your movie than with a big, joyful tap dance. I can’t lie: I love me a good tap dance. More importantly, though, the transition back to sound is beautifully done and is especially effective after the past two hours sans any kind of noise at all, other than music. Hearing everyone’s voices (well, save Bérénice Bejo’s, sadly) is definitely jarring, but in a weirdly great way. The fact that I wanted to shake George around for most of the movie did detract from my enjoyment of The Artist, but the conclusion itself is perfection.

Honorable Mentions: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I; Star Wars: The Force Awakens; Mad Max: Fury Road; The Final Girls

FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTE

“Sir, Ethan Hunt is the living manifestation of destiny.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Because Alec Baldwin manages to say it with a straight face, and because it makes me laugh every single time I think about it. Don’t you just desperately want to have the opportunity to say something like that? I should start putting it in my writer’s bio when I submit shit: Carlie St. George is a Clarion West graduate, an active SFWA member, and the living manifestation of destiny.

And now, finally, I give you all the other awesome movie quotes. Warning: there are, uh, more than a few, and that’s with me instituting my Seven Quotes Per Movie Rule. (It was supposed to be five, but I basically started weeping once I got to Age of Ultron, so I upped the max limit.)

Anton: “Hey, don’t swear! What are we?”
Werewolves: “We’re werewolves, not swear-wolves.” – What We Do In the Shadows

Vladislav: “Stu is the first human friend I’ve had in a long time. With humans, there is the tendency to die.” – What We Do In the Shadows

Deacon: “I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.”
Vladislav: I think of it like this: if you were going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.” – What We Do in the Shadows

Viago: “Yeah, some of our clothes are from our victims. You might bite someone and then think, ‘Oooh, these are nice pants’.” – What We Do In the Shadows

Galois: “You think it’ll resist?”
Pascal: “Pressure is unpredictable. It can turn coal into dust or a diamond.”
Hilbert: “Was that Archimedes?”
Pascal: “MacGyver.” – Fermat’s Room

Ultron: “I’m glad you asked that because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan.” – Avengers: Age of Ultron

Natasha: “I adore you . . . but I need the Other Guy.” – Avengers: Age of Ultron

Tony: “How do we cope with something like that?”
Steve: “Together.”
Tony: “We’ll lose.”
Steve: “We’ll do that together, too.” — Avengers: Age of Ultron

Tony: “Good talk.”
Henchman in Background: “No, it wasn’t!” – Avengers: Age of Ultron

Natasha: “Thor, report on the Hulk.”
Thor: “The gates of Hell are filled with the screams of his victims.” – Avengers: Age of Ultron

Steve: “Sorry for barging in.”
Tony: “Yeah, we would’ve called ahead, but we were busy having no idea you existed.” –Avengers: Age of Ultron

Hawkeye: “No one would know, no one would know. Last I saw, Ultron was sitting on him. The bastard will be dearly missed. I miss him already.” – Avengers: Age of Ultron

Rhett: “You should be kissed often and by someone who knows how.” – Gone With the Wind

Rhett: “This is an honorable proposal of marriage made at what I consider a most opportune moment. I can’t go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands.” – Gone With the Wind

Scarlett: “Well, I’ve guess I’ve done murder. I won’t think about that now. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” – Gone With the Wind

Scarlett: “Go on! I want you to go! I hope a cannonball lands slap on you! I hope you’re blown into a million pieces! I — ”
Rhett: “Never mind the rest. I follow your general idea.” – Gone With the Wind

Harry: “Boys, I’ve had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is — and I’m sure it’s well-founded — I’d appreciate it if you could just leave us in peace until I’ve finished this lovely pint of Guinness.” – Kingsman: The Secret Service

Harry: “I’m a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.” – Kingsman: The Secret Service

Alma Coin: “Do you have any other conditions?”
Katniss: “. . . my sister gets to keep her cat.” – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

Finnick: “It takes ten times as long to pull yourself together than it does to fall apart.” – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

Alma Coin: “And if you’re killed?”
Katniss: “Make sure you get it on camera.” – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

Kurt: “What are you, a fag? You don’t like some nice big hoots? Hooting!”
Chris: “My dads are gay, so shut the hell up.”
Kurt: “Yeah, right! Gay guys can’t have kids! They’re too busy going to discos and having sex with each other. It’s actually a pretty cool lifestyle.” – The Final Girls

Nancy: “I could like go to college!”
Max: “Right!”
Nancy: “And drive a convertible.”
Max: “Totally!”
Nancy: “And go shopping at the mall!”
Max: “Actually, people don’t really shop at malls anymore; they shop online.”
Nancy: “What’s online?”
Max: “Never mind, I made that up. Just keep going.”
Nancy: “But I want to shop online. And I want to start over, you know, I could be different in the Valley . . . what if I don’t make it, Max?”
Max: “This time you will.” – The Final Girls

Chris: “How you holding up?”
Max: “I’ve been better. How about you?”
Chris: “I’m really scared.” – The Final Girls

Max: “Vicki, you don’t have to die.”
Vicki: “I’m the mean girl in the 80’s horror movie and we’re past the midpoint, so, you know, I’d say that I’ve overstayed my welcome.” – The Final Girls

Mark Watney: “I don’t want to come off as arrogant here, but I’m the greatest botanist on this planet.” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “In the face of overwhelming odds, I’m left with only one option: I’m gonna have to science the shit out of this.” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially colonized it. So, technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “If the oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab beaches, I’ll just kind of implode. If none of those things happen, I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So, yeah.” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “Of course I’m going to be the fastest man to ever travel in space, because they’re sending me up in a convertible.” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “No, I will not ‘turn the beat around’.” – The Martian

Mark Watney: “Mars will come to fear my botany powers.” – The Martian

Lizbeth: “I’ve seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.” – Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives

Benji: “Important note: the profile is in Slot 108. And a slightly more important note: if you haven’t switched that profile before I reach the gait analysis, I’m dead.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Benji: “She tried to shoot me!”
Ethan: “That doesn’t make her a bad person.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Benji: “That’s not your decision to make, Ethan! I am a field agent! I know the risks! More than that, I am your friend, no matter . . . what I con a polygraph every week. Now you called me because you needed my help. And you still do, so I’m staying. And that’s all we’re going to say about that.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Benji: “Well, we have a European Head of State here at the same time we’re looking for a nefarious terrorist. And I’m sure the two things are completely unrelated.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Benji: “Join the IMF, see the world! On a monitor. In a closet.” – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

John Wick: “I lost everything. That dog was the final gift from my dying wife.” – John Wick

Maleficent: “Oh, they’re hopeless. A disgrace to the forces of evil.” – Sleeping Beauty

Alex: “The needle’s been on empty for the last ten miles.”
Sam: “Okay, there’s usually gas in the tank when the needle’s on empty.”
Alex: “Yeah, I’m well aware of the relationship between gas tank and the needle. I’ve actually driven a car before? Uh, however, eventually when the needle’s on empty long enough, it really means it.” – Don’t Blink

Jake: “Where are you going to go?
Alex: “Um, anywhere but here?”
Jake: “You have no gas. Your car’s on fumes.”
Alex: “Well, now I’m going to fucking find out how far fumes will get me, cause I’m not spending any more time in this bad fucking Twilight Zone camp-like death trap of a weekend getaway. Now fuck off.”  – Don’t Blink

Amelia: “God is striking down all who have fallen off the path of righteousness.”
Alex: “Okay! But Tracy? Tracy was studying to be a kindergarten teacher. Tracy was a devout Catholic. So you tell me, why did Tracy get swallowed up by the Holy Fucking Spirit?”
Claire: “Lets, uh. Let’s pray over here, shall we?” – Don’t Blink

Alex: “I could kill him, and he’d be like a . . . a zombie? Or something? Would that explain any of this shit?”
Jack: “Not really, no.” – Don’t Blink

Claire: “Can we fix it?”
Jack: “We can try. We could find a fusebox. I don’t know where the hell it is. It’s probably outside.”
Claire: “I’m not going outside.” – Don’t Blink

Jack: “I just want it to be over. If I’m going to disappear, I just want it to happen already.”
Claire: “You know, all I ever really wanted to be was a biologist. I worked my ass of in college. I was always driven and focused and I never really lived outside of that, you know? I was never popular. I’ve been to six movies since I started up my thesis, and every single one I went to alone, so I don’t want to die. I don’t want to disappear because I really haven’t had that much time just being here to begin with.”
Jack: “Okay. Okay, I won’t give up hope, okay?”
Claire: “Okay . . . I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to laugh.”
Jack: “What?”
Claire: “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Jack: “That’s fantastic. Sorry.” – Don’t Blink

Jack: “This is really awkward.”
Claire: “Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that.”
Jack: ” . . . can I put Charlotte down now?” – Don’t Blink

Nux: “What a day, what a lovely day!” – Mad Max: Fury Road

Max: “You know, hope is a mistake. If you don’t fix what’s broke, you’ll go insane.” – Mad Max: Fury Road

Furiosa: “Out here, everything hurts.” – Mad Max: Fury Road

Ms. Giddy: “We are not things! We are not things!” – Mad Max: Fury Road

The Dag: “I thought he wasn’t insane anymore.” – Mad Max: Fury Road

Virgil: “They call me MISTER Tibbs!” – In the Heat of the Night

Gillespie: “Any reason you have to leave today?”
Virgil: “Lots of reasons.” – In the Heat of the Night

Gillespie: “I got the motive which is money and the body which is dead.” – In the Heat of the Night

Virgil: “There’s white time in jail and there’s colored time in jail. The worst kind of time you can do is colored time.” – In the Heat of the Night

Gillespie: “I do want to thank you for offering such a powerful piece of manpower as Virgil Tibbs.” – In the Heat of the Night

Cage: “Master Sergeant Farrell, you’re an American.”
Farrell: “No, sir! I’m from Kentucky.” – Edge of Tomorrow

Rita: “Ten minutes.”
Cage: “Okay.”
Rita: “And then I’m killing you.”
Cage: “Fine.” – Edge of Tomorrow

Cage: “Wait a second, wait a second! I’ve been thinking . . . I mean, this thing is in my blood. So maybe there’s some way I can transfer it to you.”
Rita: “I’ve tried everything. It doesn’t work.”
Cage: “I mean, have you tried . . . you know . . . ALL the options?”
Rita: “Oh, you mean sex? Yeah, I tried it.”
Cage: “. . . how many times?”
Rita: “All right.”
(Rita hits Cage with a giant robot) – Edge of Tomorrow

Peeta: “You love me. Real or not real?” – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part II

Poe: “Why are you helping me?”
Finn: “Because it’s the right thing to do.”
Poe: “. . .you need a pilot.”
Finn: “I need a pilot.” – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Finn: “We’ll figure it out. We’ll use the Force!”
Han: “That’s not how the Force works!” – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Han: “Escape now. Hug later.” – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Poe: “. . . do I talk first or do you talk first? I talk first?” – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

And that’s it! HA! I’m finally done! (Also, damn it. Why is there never victory chocolate around when I could use some?)

About a month and a half ago, I wrapped up my 2015 Movie Superlatives with one last award: Most Anticipated Movie of 2016. It wasn’t an easy call–there are a lot of big movies coming out this year–but ultimately I picked Deadpool because it just looked the most fun.

Last week, I went to the theater, desperately hoping I wouldn’t be wrong.

Spoilers: I wasn’t.

SUMMARY:

Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) is just your average, slightly crazy mercenary who wants to live happily ever after with his awesome girlfriend, Vanessa (Morena Baccarin). Unfortunately, he’s diagnosed with cancer, and while super unethical and horrifying experiments leave him virtually immortal, they also disfigure his entire body. Thus, Wade Wilson begins his own roaring rampage of revenge and becomes a superhero along the way!

Well, kinda.

NOTES:

1. Ryan Reynolds has deserved a win for a long fucking time. Deadpool is that win.

He’s just kind of, well, perfect. I’ve read several times now that this is the role Ryan Reynolds was born to play, and while that phrase is often overused in movie criticism, it might actually be true in this case. Which isn’t to say that I’ve disliked Reynolds in other things: he was terrific in Buried, surprisingly great against type in Smokin’ Aces, and is easily the best thing about Blade: Trinity (which, okay, probably isn’t saying much). But I feel like the role of Deadpool requires a very specific type of zany homicidal charm that most actors would have struggled with. Reynolds’ comedic timing, though, is impeccable. He effortlessly bounces between snarky and wacky and dead serious, and somehow neither he nor the film itself ever feels disjointed. It’s kind of impressive, actually, and I’m looking forward to seeing more from the sequel.

2. I really like Morena Baccarin quite a bit, too.

I find Baccarin interesting. Like most nerds, I first saw her in Firefly and enjoyed her quite a bit as Inara, but then I saw some scenes of her in SG-1, and . . . yeesh. Admittedly, she’s playing a trope I can’t stand, but the performance itself seemed kind of terrible. I thought she might just be seriously hit-or-miss for me, but I’ve found her to be pretty much all hit since then. She regularly rises above the material on Gotham (oh, Gotham, that crazy ass mess), and she’s just awesome as Vanessa in Deadpool.

Vanessa is technically a damsel is distress, but personally, I don’t always mind stories where women need to be rescued (though, admittedly, it does get old); I mind when the women are utterly useless and/or bland Nice Girls. And Vanessa is definitely not a bland Nice Girl. Baccarin and Reynolds have great chemistry, and I loved their who-has-the-saddest-backstory competition/flirting. The only thing I wasn’t quite sure on was her job. Is she supposed to be a stripper, a prostitute, or a stripper and a prostitute? Cause both are totally cool, but . . . they aren’t actually the same thing, and enough people already conflate the two jobs.

Love interests in superhero movies can often be very annoying, pointless, generic, or otherwise problematic, but I actively like Vanessa. And I think it’s worth mentioning that she and Wade probably have a healthier and happier relationship than most superheroes, which is kind of awesome since she’s a stripper/sex worker and he’s a half-crazy merc. What I’m saying here is I ship it, so there better not be any pointless drama between them in the sequel.

3. The primary criticism I’ve seen of Deadpool is that, while the irreverent tone is original and enjoyable, the story itself is not particularly creative. Which is a fair point: while Deadpool’s a totally different type of Marvel superhero, his origin story doesn’t stray much from the well-beaten path: experiments give him superpowers, his girl needs rescue, etc, etc.

But to be honest, I kind of thought that was a smart move, at least for the first movie in the series. For one thing, it gives audiences who maybe aren’t familiar with the character a better chance to get used to a rated-R Marvel movie with explicit sex and cheerful murder and regular breaking of the fourth wall. But also, Deadpool plays well as a broad superhero parody, so it makes sense to me that the basic plot tropes are played more or less straight, in order to more easily make fun of them. (The fantastic opening credits, for instance, are a great example of this.) Most of the actual trope subversions are character subversions: a hero who happily kills people, an old, blind woman who’s not exactly your typical mentor, etc.

I will say, though, that I’ll be expecting a lot more plot creativity from the inevitable sequel. Now that we’re fully introduced to Deadpool, I want his next story to go to strange, unexpected places. I want to be surprised by things, and I’d be pretty disappointed if that doesn’t end up being the case.

4. Blind Al (Leslie Uggams) is the blind not-mentor, and unfortunately, she’s probably my biggest problem with the movie.

She’s not a huge problem, really. I’ve heard that she’s a good representation of her character from the comics. (Here’s where I’ll admit that I’m not particularly familiar with Deadpool comics. Bad nerd, I know. I’ve read some stuff online, and I played . . . well, actually, I just watched my sister play the Deadpool game on our PS3. But that’s about it, unless you’re counting X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which we’re obviously not.) In fact, I kind of like Blind Al because she’s cranky and very pro-cocaine, and that already means she’s not exactly the type of character you normally see in a superhero film.

That being said, I’m disappointed that she doesn’t really have anything to do in this movie except say a few funny lines and drop stuff . . . cause, you know, she’s blind. When she first tripped over the Roomba, I was kind of like, “You know, maybe that makes sense. It’s not a terrible thing, showing challenges a blind character has that a sighted person takes for granted, and maybe there’s even a way to find the humor in it without being like, ‘Ha-ha, BLIND!’ ” But the more Blind Al tripped or missed the coffee table or the like, the less I was into it, and it may have bugged me even more because she doesn’t play any kind of active role in the story. You could easily take Blind Al out of the movie without taking almost anything away from the plot. It’s not a huge flaw, but it did bug me. I really wish she felt more consequential.

5. Oh, and the other line that kind of annoyed me: “You’re probably thinking ‘My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab’.” (I think that’s how the line went? The exact wording escapes me, and Google seems to have about three or four different variations. Always a problem, especially with new movies.)

And again, the joke isn’t a deal breaker; in fact, I think it was a pretty funny line. It’s just that, you know, my boyfriend didn’t bring me to see this. He didn’t have to explain what Deadpool was to me. And sure, that’s partly because I don’t have a boyfriend, but it’s also because I don’t need a guy to explain to me how to be a nerd. And I’m not some exception, either; there were a lot of girls in that theater. Some of them probably went along with their boyfriends. All of them? Pah. (Emily Asher-Perrin made a similar point recently in her review on Tor.com, and while we clearly don’t agree on everything, her analysis is well worth a read if you haven’t already.)

On a happier and semi-related note, this Tumblr post that’s been making the rounds all week makes me smile. So, that’s cool.

6. Ajax (Ed Skrein) isn’t a hugely interesting villain, but I generally bought all of his sneery British line deliveries, so he works for me. He is certainly not the worst villain Marvel’s ever had, though again, I will expect considerably more from the sequel.

Gina Carano as Angel Dust also works well enough as Ajax’s right-hand-man.

She mostly just growls and hits things, but hey, that’s what she’s there for. (And, honestly, I’m just happy to see a woman who’s not a size 0-2 in a superhero movie, like, obviously Gina Carano is a bazillion times more in shape than I’ll ever be, but it’s still kind of nice for us plus size geek girls to see actresses with more than one body shape. You know, actresses who aren’t playing mothers, or the protagonist’s “fat friend.”)

7. I definitely loved our sidekick mutants, though:

Both Colossus (Stefan Kapicic-voicework) and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) are a lot of fun. Colossus provides an amusing contrast to Deadpool, in that Colossus is very stoic and honorable and Deadpool is incredibly not. And I’m just a sucker for a moody goth teenager with a great superhero name, especially if she isn’t a whiner. I’m not at all familiar with Negasonic Teenage Warhead, but based on the fights in this movie, I’m thinking she should leave the X-Men and become Deadpool’s sidekick instead, cause she didn’t strike me as overly concerned with the whole not killing thing, either. (Does this actually happen? Tell me this happens.)

And, of course, just having the X-Men around, even the C-team, is pretty exciting. I genuinely like most Marvel movies I’ve seen, but I feel like maybe they used to push the envelope more? When it comes to TV, I definitely feel like Marvel’s been changing up the game, but when it comes to movies . . . I don’t know. Maybe that’s not fair. There have absolutely been fun, great movies in the last couple of years (Captain America: The Winter Soldier being an excellent example), but I feel like maybe they could explore more boundaries in terms of what kinds of superhero stories they can tell and what kind of superheroes they’ll allow to lead them. (And before you can bring up Guardians of the Galaxy–honestly, that’s never really struck me as a superhero story. I know they’re considered superheroes, and I have read a crossover comic between them and The Avengers, but still . . . I just don’t think superheroes when I watch that movie.)

Deadpool certainly isn’t the first irreverent superhero parody–io9 has an article about Super here, and of course there’s also Kick-Ass and probably others that I’m not thinking of right now–but this still feels really new and interesting to me, probably because I’m so intrigued by the idea of crossover characters from movies with wildly different tones. (And yes, from different studios too.) I kind of doubt that Wolverine is ever going to show up in a Deadpool movie or vice versa, but I find that I have ideas on how each would behave if they did, and that’s just exciting to me. Like, Deadpool would be happily homicidal in anyone’s story, obviously, or he wouldn’t be Deadpool. But I don’t think he’d so blatantly break the fourth wall if he found his way into an X-Men movie because that would break the rules, right, like, not in a good way? But any X-Man crossing over into a Deadpool movie totally could break the fourth the wall, and wouldn’t that be the best, seeing a member of the X-Men’s A-team in Deadpool’s section of their now-shared universe?

What I’m saying here is that I can visualize Deadpool 2 with a Patrick Stewart cameo, and I want it so badly it hurts.

8. Figured I should mention: I thought the costume looked really good. I know a lot of people were satisfied on that score after the trailers, but I still wanted to see how it looked in the movie proper, and I was happy with it. (I couldn’t really compare it to the green suit from Green Lantern, since I never got around to watching that. My interest wasn’t super high to begin with, and as I’ve yet to meet a person who enjoyed it, yeah, not in a huge rush.)

9. Finally, before my very brief Spoiler Section: a pretty good chunk of this movie is told in flashback, and while sometimes that structure can be dull and exhausting–looking at you, Arrow–the pacing here never felt slow to me. Which might have to do something with the movie’s run time: 1 hr, 47 min.

Honestly, it’s kind of refreshing to go see a movie that’s under two hours. Like, I planned to see Deadpool in theater no matter what, but I’m not going to lie: that shorter run time was a huge part of the appeal. And don’t get me wrong: I like plenty of movies that are over two hours, but I feel like the trend in many SF, fantasy, and action movies of late is two hours absolute minimum, and that’s just not always necessary.

If you’re interested, a list of superhero movies in the last ten years that run at least two hours: Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, X-Men: First Class, X-Men: Days of Future Past, The Avengers, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, Superman Returns, Man of Steel, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Green Lantern, Watchmen, Spiderman 3, The Amazing Spider Man, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Some of these aren’t much over two hours, but some definitely are. Watchmen, for instance, easily wins Longest Ass Superhero Movie with a runtime of 3 hours and 35 minutes. (Jesus, seriously? No wonder I haven’t rewatched this for a second opinion . . . oh, that’s the Ultimate Cut. Okay, looks like the shortest version was 2 hours, 42 minutes. Still not exactly short.) The Dark Knight Rises gets silver with 2 hours, 45 minutes, and X-Men: Days of Future Past settles for bronze with 2 hours, 38 minutes.

I’m hardly the most obvious proponent for brevity, but sometimes, man, short is great.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

We’re going to keep this very brief today because I don’t actually have all that much to add, and also I have Secret Projects I need to be working on. So:

10. When I said Vanessa wasn’t useless, I meant that she full-on stabs a dude with a sword. I mean, ultimately it doesn’t work, but serious A for Effort, you know? That shit matters to me. Also, I like that she slaps Wade repeatedly when he comes back. Because, yeah, he deserves it.

11. Also, I kind of like that nobody dies, not even the friend who seems like he’s totally doomed once Ajax walks in. I really enjoyed the moment when everyone in the whole Crazy Ass Assassin Bar points their guns at the bad guys when they threaten Weasel. Honestly, I kind of just love the bar in general. What is it about assassins and their secret clubs/bars/hotels that I just find so fascinating?

12. Finally, the homage to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off after the credits? Awesome. Possibly my favorite after-the-credits scenes since shwarma. But I had to weep a little on the inside when I realized that there were almost certainly people in the movie theater who wouldn’t get it because they were too young to have seen that film. I mean, it’s not like I saw it when it came out, either; I was 1 in 1986. Less than 1, really. But it was still required high school viewing when I grew up, and I feel like it probably isn’t anymore. (What is, I wonder? Mean Girls? Something more recent? I should look into that–it’d be a good thing to know.)

QUOTES:

Evil Recruiter: “What if I told you we can cure you and give you abilities most men only dream of?”
Wade: “I’d say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like SlapChop, more Shake Weighty?”

Deadpool: “I don’t have time for your X-Men bullshit, Colossus! Besides, nobody’s getting hurt.”
(man falls off building)
Deadpool: “That guy was up there before I got here.”

Colossus: “You’re gonna talk to Professor X.”
Deadpool: “McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing.”

Deadpool: “Let’s go out there and make a difference!”

Deadpool: “You’re about to be killed by a zamboni!”

Deadpool: “And you are . . .?”
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: “Negasonic Teenage Warhead.”
Deadpool: “Negasonic Teenage . . . what the shit? That’s the coolest name ever!”

Deadpool: “You’re still here? It’s over. Go home! Oh, you’re expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don’t have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson showing up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.”

Wade: “I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.”

Deadpool: “A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That’s like . . . sixteen walls!”

Weasel: “I’d go with you, but . . . I don’t want to.”

Deadpool: “Did you ever see 127 hours? Spoiler alert.”

Vanessa: “Wade, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Only because you haven’t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my–”
(Wade holds up a Ring Pop)
Wade: “Marry me?”
Vanessa: “Uhhh . . . jinx?”

Colossus: “House blowing up builds character.”

Deadpool: “Superhero landing! You know, that’s really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.”

Wade: “Happy Lent.”

Wade: “You’re right. Cancer’s only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.”

Deadpool: “So, what’s it gonna be? Sullen silence or mean comment?”
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: “You’ve got me in a box here.”

Vanessa: “Ride a bitch’s back like Yoda on Luke.”

Weasel: “Guy came in here looking for you. Real Grim Reaper type. I don’t know. Might further the plot.”

Deadpool: “It’s a big house. It’s weird I only ever see two of you. Almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.”

Vanessa: “You live in a house?”

CONCLUSIONS:

Honestly, I just had a lot of fun watching it. I totally get where some people are coming from with the criticism, but overall, it worked pretty well for me.

MVP:

Ryan Reynolds

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

True love cares not about beauty. (It cares about sexual compatibility, and properly celebrating holidays.)

I still haven’t quite gotten around to seeing the not-exactly-critically-beloved Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. (I’m not particularly jazzed about going, either, but I do want to check it out for myself. I like making up my own mind about shit, particularly if Batman’s going to be involved.) However, I knew I wanted to watch Man of Steel before I made my trip to the theater, so a few weeks ago I finally sat down and put it on.

Man. That long, dreary ass film did not help motivate my interest in Batman v Superman AT ALL.

DISCLAIMER:

I feel like all my reviews lately have been chockfull of spoilers, and I feel kind of bad about that . . . but yeah, this one’s going to have SPOILERS too. Sorry,  fellow folks who are also behind on their DC superhero film viewing.

SUMMARY:

Kal-El/Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) grows up rather miserably on Earth after his birth planet, Krypton, is destroyed, eradicating almost his entire species. And despite Pa Kent’s best efforts, Clark becomes a hero when General Zod (Michael Shannon) and the Rest of The Last Kryptonians arrive on Earth, threatening to destroy the entire human race.

NOTES:

1. Before we started the movie, I had this lovely dream that I could write a quick little review that would only take an hour or two, tops, as if I’d ever written anything brief in my entire life. Needless to say, that dream was dashed within the first twenty minutes of the movie because boy, do I have problems with this prologue. And admittedly, some of those problems are possibly inherent to the source material, not just this particular film adaptation . . . but some of it’s definitely the film adaptation.

In fact, I have so many issues that I might as well just summarize everything that happens in the first twenty minutes so I can better discuss why I think it’s crap:

We begin our tale with Jor-El (Russell Crowe) telling the Kryptonian High Council (or whoever) that the whole planet has only a couple of weeks left to live.

“Dudes, it’s sort of a problem.”

The Council is basically like, “Do you expect us to evacuate the beach during tourist season?” and Jor-El’s like, “Why bother? We’re all doomed anyway.” Presumably he’s about to pitch his totally weird ‘Baby Soul Survivor Plan,’ but that’s when General Zod pops in, and he is not happy. Zod’s like, “Fuck you, Council, we’re taking over your shit,” and proceeds with all the usual rebellion/treason/murder stuff. His plan, I guess, is to escape (somehow) and use the Kryptonians genetic codex to preserve only the pureblood lines.

Unfortunately for him, though, Jor-El is emphatically not an alien Death Eater, and he’s like, “All people deserve to live, but especially my newborn son because he was born naturally THROUGH A VAGINA.” He then proceeds to do a bunch of silly action stunts so that he can steal the codex and fuse it to Kal-El’s cells, or something. I guess his plan is to boot Kal-El to a new, populated planet so that he can bow-chicka-wow-wow his people–or at least their DNA–back into existence? Which, I’ve got to say, would have probably made a much more exciting movie. Oh my God, is there a porn like this? Superman knocking on various doors wearing his cape and nothing else, and saying, “Excuse me, but I need to bang you in order save my people from extinction?” If there isn’t, SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE IT. (And then, for the love of God, don’t send it to me. My eyes don’t actually want to see that.)

Anyway, Jor-El and Lara successfully see Kal-El off the planet before Zod murders Jor-El. The Kryptonians manage to crush Zod’s rebellion and send him and his cronies into this blackhole prison deal. And then two weeks later, Krypton blows the hell up, taking everyone on the planet with it.

So.

A. Let’s begin with the fact that this is a twenty-minute prologue to a story that basically everyone already knows, even non-geeks. I’m aware that this version includes certain individualistic elements (that I generally didn’t care for) but even taking that into consideration, twenty minutes? If you’re going to do that, you need to make sure those twenty minutes are both necessary and really, really interesting, neither of which was the case for me here.

B. Also (and this is, admittedly, my least significant problem), the whole prologue had a weird, almost vaguely Shakespearian feel to it that I just didn’t buy. I struggled taking it seriously, which is not the reaction you generally hope for when it comes to tragic origin stories.

C. Far more importantly, I just can’t seem to buy the total annihilation of the Kryptonian people. Cause, like, the Kryptonians seem to have a pretty advanced society. They’re capable of propagating their entire species through artificial means. They have devices which can terraform whole planets. They have prisons inside black holes. But for some reason, Jor-El is entirely convinced that they’re all doomed, that two weeks isn’t enough for anyone other than one entirely helpless newborn baby to escape? There’s only the one infant-sized escape pod on the whole planet? Even if Jor-El actually was advocating for evacuation (which, again, he totally wasn’t) and the Council was like, “Nope, no one gets to leave the planet because we’re all going to be totes fine!” I just don’t believe for a second that word wouldn’t get out, that people wouldn’t try to escape. I know you have to look past some stuff when it comes to Superman source material (glasses make you a whole new man, and all that), but I just can’t buy this.

For God’s sake, Krypton. The Enterprise managed to save thousands of Vulcans in JJ Abrams’s Star Trek, and they only had minutes. Get your shit together.

D. The whole mudblood/pureblood thing feels super random, probably because no one really ever bothers to bring it up again. It’s so inconsequential to the story that I wonder if it only exists at all to make sure we understand that Zod is the bad guy.

By this point, we’ve mostly figured it out.

Cause, at first, this guy is kind of sympathetic, isn’t he? Yes, yes, killing off Council members is bad, but it is the Council’s fault that billions and billions of people are going to die in the first place, right, and while Zod’s military coup seems hilarious mistimed, I do get the general idea: he punishes and overthrows the bad rulers so that he can save as many of his people as he can. That doesn’t really sound so bad until you realize that he only wants to save, like, the noble lineage or whatever and fuck the rest.

Still, prejudiced and awful as it is . . . it does seem that Zod’s plan saves more people than Jor-El’s. Seriously, Jor-El’s plan is just awful, right?

E. Lara’s only real contribution to this story is pushing the button that sends Baby Kal-El into space. She doesn’t even get to be a Helpful Exposition Hologram. This is what I call the Martha Wayne treatment: the father is the inspiration and/or source of angst, and the mother wears pearls. (In the dozens of movies and animated movies and TV episodes and comics I’ve read, I have seen one Batman story do something interesting with Martha Wayne. One. If you’ve seen more, I’d love to hear about it!)

F. Finally–and this is just one of those IMO, pet peeve things–I feel like one of the laziest ways to describe an evil and/or dystopian future society is to have everyone be born artificially. It’s so boring and cliche. I’d love to see someone use this trope in a positive light. (Again, if you know of one, please let me know! I love recommendations, provided they aren’t given to me in as condescending of a manner as possible.)

2. So, yeah. All of that? Just the first 1/7 of the movie.

On the plus side, I really don’t have a problem with any of the acting. (Well. Okay, I did have a pretty hard time taking Michael Shannon seriously, which sucks because I know he’s supposed to be a great actor, but . . . yeah, Zod didn’t quite do it for me.) There are a lot of good-to-great actors in this cast, and it’s the material, not their performances, that really make the movie fall down hard.

Henry Cavill, for instance:

Acting-wise, he’s totally fine. I actually really enjoyed that one scene where he’s in an interrogation room, speaking evenly to the frightened and intimidated human generals. He felt a little like the Superman I’m familiar with. (Which, to be clear, is primarily the one from Justice League and Justice League Unlimited. I am not comparing this film to the Christopher Reeve movies, as I was probably about four the last time I watched them.)

It’s just that, story-wise, I’m totally bored by everything about Superman. Clark Kent is one broody motherfucker in Man of Steel, which I guess isn’t so surprising because he’s had an entirely miserable life, at least in this particular version. Admittedly, Mopey Superman is pretty weird because it’s kind of like giving us a movie about an optimistic and happy-go-lucky Bruce Wayne or, IDK, a movie where Thor’s really depressed about having to hit things with his hammer. But I’m sure there’s a way to give us a darker Superman story, one that focuses on his literal alienation from everyone around him, that is still compelling and nuanced. This is just . . . flat and dull.

It reminds me a little of the whole grimdark debate, which is unfortunate because I basically hate that debate as, inevitably, people on both sides of it get on my nerves. Really dark stories are not inherently any better or worse than really upbeat stories; it’s just a matter of how you tell them. DC’s whole film brand is Dark and Gritty, particularly in comparison to Marvel, and despite what a lot of Marvel fans will say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when you mistake dark and gritty for joyless and one-note. Dark can still be funny. Dark should still be entertaining. Dark ought to have the highs, so you can better feel the falls. It’s earned consequences and depth of emotion that make dark stories great, characters doing immoral or questionably immoral things for understandable and believable reasons. When it’s just asshats acting like asshats and some angsty dude trudging around the earth for two hours, when it’s grim for grim’s sake in lieu of actually making sense . . . that’s not deep or complex or noteworthy. That’s just poor storytelling.

3. I generally enjoy Amy Adams as Lois Lane, though.

Lois and Clark’s romance doesn’t do much for me, admittedly. Their kiss at the end feels a little forced, like, I would have totally bought a ‘Holy shit, we survived!’ kiss, but I think this was supposed to be much more romantic than that. Still, Amy Adams is a great actress who I rarely get to watch, as she generally picks Oscar-bait shit that I have little interest in seeing, and I think she provides Lois a good deal of fire and zeal that I enjoyed. Some of my favorite scenes with her, actually, are on the Kryptonian spaceship with Hologram Jor-El. I was happy to see her have actual stuff to do. Also, I got a weird kick out of watching Russell Crowe doing his best Scarecrow while giving her directions. I can’t even give you a reason why I enjoyed that so much; I just did.

4. Diane Lane and Kevin Costner are perfectly fine as Superman’s parents, at least, acting wise. I haven’t seen Diane Lane in a while, and I enjoyed her performance. She didn’t really have so much to do, but she still had presence, purely by being awesome. (I continue to love this tweet about gender/age inequality in Hollywood roles. I would totally watch Diane Lane play a superhero.)

Meanwhile, I don’t know that I’d say Kevin Costner’s performance was terribly compelling, but it also wasn’t bad. Everything wrong with Pa Kent–and oh ho, are there things wrong with Pa Kent–comes straight from the script.

I knew going in that a lot of Superman fans weren’t happy with Jonathan Kent’s characterization. (And yes, that’s the last time you get his actual name. Chief Asshats like Pa Kent don’t deserve a real first name.) I knew there were some questionable ethics (or lack thereof) in play, but I imagined something a little less clear cut, like . . . well, honestly, I don’t know what I imagined, but I’ll tell you what I sure as hell wasn’t picturing: Pa Kent telling Lil’ Clark that when his school bus crashed into a lake, he maybe should’ve let roughly thirty kids drown, rather than potentially expose his big secret. Pa Kent pretty much just advocated child murder, and not just one annoying kid but the mass murder of children. Holy shit.

See, it’s little things like this that make it very hard for me to feel sorry for Pa Kent when he gets eaten by a tornado. There’s also the not insignificant fact that his death is entirely his own fault. Check this out: Angry Teen Clark and Pa Kent the Terrible are fighting in the car when a tornado comes along because, you know, Kansas. Appropriately, they run away, but unfortunately a dog needs rescue. Obviously, Clark is the proper person to retrieve sad dog, but Pa Kent goes instead, and you know what? I probably could have been okay with that, if it was played like Pa Kent instinctually thought “storming death cloud” and “my kid” and went NO, even though he knows that his kid basically can’t die. I will take a certain amount of protective parental instinct in the face of clear logic. (I’m considerably less excited about “get your mom to the overpass,” though, like Martha Kent doesn’t actually come with her own set of legs.)

But Pa Kent isn’t so much worried about the tornado hurting his boy as he is about protecting Clark’s damn secret, so much so that he needlessly sacrifices his own life to keep Clark from revealing his powers. Yeah. There he is, about to get blown into the next state, and he actually holds out his hand, all Stop in The Name of Love, to silently tell Clark that he’d rather die than potentially expose his son’s true origin. Which might have been moving in some other world where all aliens are immediately executed or sent to concentration camps or something, but that’s totally not this world. Pa Kent lets himself die because of the possibility that his son can’t convince humanity that he’s a good guy.

Jesus H. Christ. Never mind how little regard Pa Kent clearly has for his own life . . . can you even imagine what something like that would do to the kid?

I’m not okay.

Seriously. I’d rather spend the rest of my life on the run from every government on the planet than live with the fact that I could have saved my dad’s life but didn’t because he wanted to become an asshole martyr instead. Clark has to carry that guilt now until he dies. If this movie had ended with Clark eating a kryptonite bullet, Ghost Pa Kent would only have had himself to blame.

And what’s even more infuriating about all of this isn’t just that Zack Synder and David S. Goyer turned Pa Kent into a completely terrible human being, but–somehow–they still want him to be an Inspirational Mentor Figure, the reason Clark becomes a hero. Like, WHAT? People. People. You can’t have a dude kill himself to keep anyone from knowing about his son’s superhuman powers and then later have that dude’s wife say, “He always believed you were meant for greater things, and that when the day came, your shoulders would be able to bear the weight.” NOPE. Not happening. Pa Kent did not want his son to do great things. This fucker pretty much died to make sure that day would never come, and the only reason it actually did is because, you know, it’s kind of hard to make a Superman movie where no one ever becomes Superman.

Pa Kent is the worst, everybody. Think how much better off Clark Kent would’ve been if Martha Kent had raised him on her own. (Maybe in this universe, that’s just how it happened.)

5. The supporting cast in this movie is kind of ridiculous. It felt like I recognized someone roughly every there minutes: Toby from The West Wing, Morpheus from The Matrix, Roman from True Blood, Boyd from Dollhouse, Gaeta from Battlestar Galactica, Helo from Battlestar Galactica, Snow from Person of Interest, Liam from Teen Wolf, Vanessa from Daredevil, and Death from Supernatural. (If you don’t almost exclusively watch SF/F TV shows and movies, that’s Richard Schiff, Laurence Fishburne, Christopher Meloni, Harry Lennix, Alessandro Juliani, Tahmoh Penikett, Michael Kelly, Dylan Sprayberry, Ayelet Zurer, and Julian Richlings.)

There is some insanely good talent in that list. Can you imagine what this movie could have been like if the actors were given material actually worthy of their talent?

6. One of the only actors I wasn’t familiar with was Antje Traue, who played Faora-Ul.

Faora-Ul is General Zod’s right hand, and I bring her up because she’s kind of a badass. In fact, she is about 80 times more intimidating than General Zod, who–for being Krypton’s Chief Military Dude–does not strike me as a particularly great strategist. I mean, come on: Kal-El knows almost nothing about his home planet, right? Sure, he did get some very brief exposition from Hologram Jor-El in the Fortress of Solitude, but it wasn’t very in depth: all he knows about Zod, for instance, is that he led a military coup against the leaders who doomed billions of people to death. Instead of Zod coming down, all, “I’m going to destroy the only planet you’ve ever known, Clark, and kill everyone here!” why doesn’t he just try to, you know, trick him? Considering how literally alienated Clark has been this whole time, I really don’t think it would be that hard to do. He’s clearly desperate for anyone the least bit like him–if Zod had pretended to be a friend for five seconds, his evil plan might have worked.

Then again, perhaps not because I just can’t take Zod seriously. Perhaps it’s the hair. It’s too bad Faora-Ul didn’t outlive him because she has all the markings of a good Super Second Banana.

7. I feel like I should cover the events of the film chronologically with the same amount of time and care (and rage) I spent on the first twenty minutes, but I don’t really want to. For a 2 1/2 hour film, there doesn’t seem to be all that much plot involved. Clark Kent broods a lot. Lois Lane investigates. Zod threatens people. The government is suspicious of Clark but eventually works with him to take down the aliens, and Clark becomes a journalist for a major newspaper because, according to TV and movies, basically anyone who wants to become a reporter can without the slightest hint of training, education, or prior work experience.

So, I think I’ll just wrap-up this up in typical me fashion with a few random sub-notes:

7A. I will admit this: Zod’s death, which infuriated plenty of other people in the nerd fanbase, actually didn’t bother me all that much.

Well before I saw this movie, I found out that Superman killed Zod, and I wasn’t crazy about it, which may surprise the few of you who are aware of both a) my bloodlust, and b) my belief that sometimes killing the bad guy actually is the morally correct thing to do. (Clearly, I will never become a superhero, no matter what radioactive creature bites me.) Superman is a weird pick for that sort of thing, though, and people made it sound like he straight up murdered the guy in cold blood . . . which is totally cool if you’re making an Injustice: Gods Among Us movie, but–sadly–nobody is. (I desperately need to get back to the comic because it is intensely awesome.) And while I may be interested in stories where superheroes cross lines, Superman is definitely the wrong choice for straight-up murder.

That all being said, the way it was shot? It didn’t strike me as super immoral. It wasn’t like Superman killed someone who had surrendered or was otherwise defenseless. I believed that the family was in imminent danger, and that Superman felt he had no other choice in order to save them. (Actually, I believe that those people would have been dead well before Superman could have helped, since if Zod wasn’t such a loser, it might occur to him to just glance right instead of insisting on turning his head. But that’s neither here nor there.) Pivotally, I believed Superman’s anguish when he made the choice to kill. If he had been happy about it or if he’d tossed out some kind of glib one-liner, or even if he just hadn’t seemed to be particularly broken up about killing someone, I would have been angry. But I bought Cavill’s grief in the moment, so ultimately, it worked for me.

7B. So, Clark Kent finds the Fortress of Solitude through . . . heart knowledge? Seriously, I’m not sure. There must have been an actual explanation for this, but apparently I missed it somewhere between Clark broodily staring at the sea and Clark broodily staring at the sky. I’m not watching it again to figure it out.

7C. A helicopter crashes in this movie and does NOT explode. For 30 years now, movies have taught me that this is a physical impossibility, so needless to say I was quite stunned when it happened.

7D. Things go badly for a lot of people in this movie, but I might feel the worst for Richard Schiff’s character. And yeah, some of that is surely because I will always love Toby Ziegler, but there’s also the fact that this dude totally helps save the day but dies anyway when Meloni heroically sacrifices himself . . . which, as a consequence, sort of less-heroically sacrifices Schiff too, who more than likely didn’t even realize he was about to die, since he was on a different part of the plane when Meloni crashed it.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane only survives because she falls out of the plane. How often can you even say that?

7D. Finally, I kind of like the switch-up at the end where Lois already knows Clark’s secret identity when he begins work at the Daily Planet. Of course, it’s still ridiculous that no one else can figure out that he and Superman are the same person given the events of this film, but like I said, there are some things you have to take with a grain of salt when it comes to Superman stories, and that’s one I can, personally, accept.

But for a movie that’s clearly not afraid to significantly change up Superman’s origin story . . . I wish it did something much more interesting with it.

QUOTES:

Superman: “You might want to step back a bit. Maybe a little bit more.”

Jor-El: “You’re talking about genocide.”
Zod: “Yes! And I’m arguing its merits with a ghost.”

Lois: “What’s the ‘S’ stand for?”
Superman: “It’s not an S. On my world, it means hope.”
Lois: “Well, here, it’s an ‘S’.”

Dr. Emil Hamilton: “The ship appears to have inserted itself into a lunar synchronous orbit, though I have no idea why.”
General Swanwick: “Have you tried communicating with it?”
Dr. Emil Hamilton: “Well, they haven’t responded, as of yet.”
General Swanwick: “I’m just speculating, but I think whoever is at the helm of that thing is looking to make a dramatic entrance.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Meh. The action scenes and cinematography are all good. I have no beef with the technical filmmaking, and little with the acting, either. But the tone is dreary, the script sloppy, and the overall story is kind of screwed as a result.

MVP:

Amy Adams. I’m pretty sure it’s entirely her performance, and not the script itself, that makes Lois Lane even a little bit interesting.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

C+

MORALS:

Letting a bunch of kids drown when you could save them without ever being in the slightest bit of danger is definitely a tough philosophical dilemma, right up there with the Trolley Problem or the Overcrowded Lifeboat.

Letting your kid watch you die when he could have saved you equals A+ parenting. That definitely won’t fuck him up at all.

In the event that your apartment building is very, very slowly burning down, do not take the time to try and escape yourself, or warn others that they should try to escape, or take down the evil landlord who doesn’t want anyone to escape because that would mean he was responsible for the fire in the first place. Instead, take that time to make a very special baby carriage, strap your newborn child inside it, and toss it from your window into another window of a different building across the street. Surely your newborn will make it because you programmed that carriage to take special care of its passenger, and–just like HAL 9000 taught us–absolutely nothing could go wrong with that. And while you and everyone else you know in the apartment building will die, you and your partner can comfort yourselves with the knowledge that at least one person survived and will grow up to procreate with people from other apartments, meaning that a piece of you and your people will always live on. Though I suspect the person from 2B will not see it the same way.

Well. I did it. I FINALLY saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. But my God, is it a hot mess.

SUMMARY:

18 months after the events of Man of Steel, the world is still divided on the issue of Superman (Henry Cavill). Most consider him a hero, even a Messianic figure, but others think that he’s a serious threat to public safety. Batman (Ben Affleck) is in the latter group and is determined to take him down. Superman, likewise, thinks Batman is a dangerous criminal who needs to be stopped. Meanwhile, the actual villain who needs to be stopped, Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg), is up to some serious shenanigans, though why he’s up to them is really anyone’s guess.

NOTES:

1. BvS came out roughly a month before I went to see it, and in that time I’d heard a LOT of negative reviews. I’d also heard a few positive reviews, but between the sheer number of criticisms that the film had received, and the multitude of problems I’d had with Man of Steel, my interest in the movie was minimal at best. I tried to keep an open mind because– hard as this might be for some of you to believe–I’m not much of a hate-watcher; at least, I’m not going to pay theater prices for the experience. But I absolutely walked in with low expectations, and an outfit that may, or may not, have reflected a state of anticipated mourning.

Okay, the lipstick was less about mourning and more about me finding it and going, “Hey! I forgot I had black lipstick! Let’s wear some!” But my roots, I think, are definitely a Sign of Dark Things to Come. As she walked closer to the theater and her impending fate, Carlie’s light hair began to darken, reflecting the inner turmoil of her Batman fangirl soul.

The truth is, BvS has some pretty decent things going for it. In fact, the story actually starts out pretty well for me . . . before entirely off going the rails and never really managing to recover. I’m trying to remember the exact point I went from “well, maybe this isn’t so bad” to “what the shit is even happening?” and, honestly, I’m not sure that I can. The story, unfortunately, is a convoluted mess, full of poorly written character motivation, general hypocrisy, alarming amounts of stupidity, confusing dream sequences, and far too many rushed attempts at foreshadowing the future Justice League movies. There’s also absolutely no need for it to be two hours and thirty minutes long. (Seriously, I’m getting pretty tired of this, Hollywood. Unnecessarily long runtimes have kept me from going to see movies that I would have otherwise seen in theaters.) The film drags considerably, and while I felt that it at least had more of an interesting dynamic than Man of Steel (which virtually had no energy or momentum whatsoever), it’s nowhere near fun enough to be entertaining, nor well-written enough to be particularly thought-provoking.

It’s going for thought-provoking, of course. And there are worthwhile thoughts in there, somewhere, buried in that chaotic, conflicting mess: presumably, I’m supposed to come out of the theater contemplating questions like who deserves to have power and when do superhuman powers require federal oversight . . . the kind of questions that I suspect will also dominate Civil War. However, the questions I’m actually thinking after watching this movie are more like why is Clark such an idiot and when did Batman become a villain and what in God’s name happened to Lex Luthor?

2. Seriously, let’s talk about Lex for a minute.

Just like in Man of Steel, the actors in this movie by and large do a fair to great job, despite being stranded with very shitty material. The only real exception is Jesse Eisenberg, and even then, I’m not entirely convinced he’s the one to blame. After all, half his scripted dialogue is pure gibberish, so it’s not like his manic, overblown delivery isn’t keeping with the text. For some reason, it seems that Zack Snyder, Chris Terrio, and David S. Goyer want Lex to be some poor man’s version of the Joker, but for the life of me, I can’t imagine why. It seems obvious that Lex isn’t going to come out the victor in the inevitable comparison between these two characters, and it doesn’t seem to serve the story in any shape, way, or form. Like you’d almost expect Batman to address it in some manner, right, meeting this blatant ripoff of his worst nemesis? Well, that never happens. (Actually, Bruce and Lex spend very little time together in the film at all, which makes a certain amount of sense, considering that Lex is Superman’s nemesis. He just doesn’t act anything like Superman’s nemesis. Making Lex an unhinged millennial is so wildly different from every version of Luthor imaginable that it feels less like a reinterpretation and more like the creators just slapped a recognizable name on a total OC.)

Lex’s motivations also make no godamn sense whatsoever. You’re probably going to get really tired of me complaining about character motivation by the time this review is over, but Lex might actually be the worst of the bunch. I have zero idea why he does almost anything he does in this movie, and I’m hardly the only one. I had a good time reading two Vulture writers trying to puzzle out Lex’s evil plans, much the same way my sister and I did over nachos after coming home from the movie. (Warning: the link has SPOILERS.)

3. While we’re talking about characters making poor life choices because of bullshit reasons . . .

Oh, Batman.

So, this is an older Batman. Not as old as Batman from The Dark Knight Returns (which was pretty obviously an inspiration for the film, especially in one particular scene) but still, a slightly more tired and far more cynical Dark Knight. His suspicion, distrust, and anger with Superman were all believable to me at first, and his insistence on having precautionary measures is absolutely in character because Batman has always been about contingency plans. Batman is the guy who thinks about consequences, who worries about unchecked power. I’m even okay with the idea of him going a little too far when it comes to roughing up bad guys because this is supposed to be him at his most disillusioned, and Superman needs a reason to distrust him, too.

But concept is one thing and execution quite something else, because Batman bypasses going “a little too far” and lands somewhere in homicidal vigilante territory, which may not bother viewers who could give a damn about canon, but, generally speaking, Batman is all about saving lives, not taking them, even when it’s the bad guys. This is a pretty big departure for him, and one which I don’t think makes a whole lot of sense in this story: after all, it’s really hard to listen to Batman talk about Superman’s disregard for human life and the dangers of him going rogue while Batman’s entirely disregarding human life and, well, basically going rogue. You can do a story where Batman’s engaging in a more brutal brand of Bat Justice, but then he probably shouldn’t also be the guy judging other heroes for their potential Dark Sides.

And while I’m totally okay with Batman having contingency plans to stop Superman should he become evil, I’m not okay with how quickly Batman gets to “Holy shit, dudes! Superman must be stopped!” Evidence is not a thing Batman, the World’s Greatest Detective, cares very much about in this movie. He actually uses an argument that you mostly only see from totalitarian dictators or dystopian regimes. Let’s not kid ourselves, folks: in this movie, Batman is a hypocrite at best and an out-and-out villain at worst.

4. One of the things that’s possibly fueling Batman’s suspicion of Superman? Dreams. I can’t go into too many details without spoilers, but here’s what I will say for now:

4A. I’m weirdly fond of surreal dreams in stories, especially if those dreams are clues to a mystery.

4B. However, Batman seems like an exceptionally weird choice for these bizarre dream sequences, especially if he’s making real life choices based on them.

4C. Not to mention that I suspect these dreams mostly happen to foreshadow future films, which makes them feel almost prophetic, and Batman is definitely a weird choice for prophetic dreams.

4D. Generally poor editing makes these dream sequences far more confusing than they need to be.

5. On a slightly more positive note, Ben Affleck’s pretty damn decent as Batman.

I don’t know if I’d say he’s my favorite live-action Batman, but he’s certainly not my least. He’s definitely better than George Clooney and Val Kilmer, and his Batman voice (in which he realistically uses a modulator) is leagues better than Christian Bale’s ridiculous SWEAR TO ME voice. I wouldn’t have any problem seeing Ben Affleck act as Batman again, provided he was given material that didn’t totally suck. For as much shit as this guy got since the announcement of his casting, I kind of hope that Affleck read the multiple positive reviews of his performance (if not the movie itself) and privately did a “Fuck You, World! I’m Awesome” happy dance. I would’ve, anyway, if I was in his place.

Instead, we got the Sad Affleck interview, which I just couldn’t watch. It kind of struck me as unbearably mean, and pretty shitty behavior on the interviewer’s part.

6. Also on the upside: Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot).

Like pretty much everybody on the planet has been saying, Wonder Woman’s pretty awesome. She doesn’t have a whole lot to do in this movie, but honestly, that’s probably for the best. BvS already has way too much going on as is. It’s enough that she’s a small, enjoyable glimmer of badassary in what is otherwise a lengthy and fairly lackluster action film. I’m definitely more excited now about a Wonder Woman movie, especially since Zack Snyder isn’t directing it. (I like Snyder’s earlier films, but he’s been on a downward spiral for me for some time now, and I’m definitely happy he’s not directing a female-led superhero movie. I don’t really know Patty Jenkins’s work–I never actually saw Monster–but I’m still hopeful.)

And, not for nothing, Gal Gadot and Ben Affleck have fairly decent chemistry together. I’d totally watch them fight more bad guys. Or have moments like this or this.

7. In general, I like the women of this movie quite a bit. I’m not crazy about everything that happens to them, but the female characters are by and large by my favorite people in this story. First we have the aforementioned Wonder Woman, who is pretty delightful. Then we have Lois Lane, who I still really enjoy as portrayed by Amy Adams.

Her story goes to entirely stupid places by the end of the movie, but I enjoy her performance and, for a second there, I thought there was a glimmer of something interesting happening with her relationship to Superman at the beginning. Obviously, that ended up not being the case, but Lois has a lot of potential that could really be tapped if different writers and directors were in charge of her character.

Meanwhile, I was surprised to see that I really enjoyed Senator Finch (Holly Hunter), who I assumed would be your usual witch-hunting, death to civil liberties, clearly terrible secondary antagonist, like General Ross or Senator Kelly. Instead, it turns out she has pretty reasonable doubts and asks pretty reasonable questions and, hopelessly folksy aphorisms aside, seems to be a fairly decent person. It was a pleasant change of pace.

8. I also rather enjoyed Jeremy Irons as Alfred.

He doesn’t get as much screen time as I’d like, but he’s fabulously cranky at Batman for all the stupid decisions our hero makes during this movie, and that works well for me. (I’m especially fond of the time when Batman’s like, “This {taking down Superman} may be the only thing I do that matters,” and Alfred’s like, “Twenty years of fighting criminals amounts to nothing?”) I’d love to see the two actors together in a Batman story that’s actually worth a damn, because I suspect they could build a really solid and interesting character dynamic between them.

At any rate, Jeremy Irons isn’t slapping children across the face, so that puts him one up on the Alfred from Gotham, at least.

9. Sadly, Superman isn’t much smarter than Batman. Arguably, in fact, he’s even worse.

Take that back.

I can’t discuss the specifics of this yet, of course, but at two separate points in the movie I desperately wanted to sit Superman down and ask him, “Sweetheart, why would you even do that? What on God’s green earth could have made you believe that was a solid plan? Why wouldn’t you have done this instead? Or even this?”

He also just doesn’t quite react right to . . . well, anything. In one scene, his immediate reaction to some pretty horrific stuff is basically no reaction of any kind, which is definitely a problem. And then later he has a pretty melodramatic response that doesn’t quite seem to line up with what’s actually occurred, like I’m having trouble following the cause and effect of his reasoning. Basically, Superman just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, which is, unfortunately, pretty fitting for this movie.

10. Finally, a few random mini-notes before we get to our epic Spoiler Section.

10A. The ‘v’ instead of ‘vs.’ in the title is dumb, but doesn’t really annoy me the way it annoys other people. I find I’m more irritated by Dawn of Justice because one, it just sounds stupid; two, we really shouldn’t have been using this movie to try and set up the JL anyway; and three, it’s entirely unnecessary. No one’s calling this movie Dawn of Justice. No one was ever going to call it Dawn of Justice. You don’t need a subtitle for the first (or only) movie in a series, just like how very few people refer to the first Captain America movie as The First Avenger when they can just as easily call it, you know, Captain America.

10B. The heavy mech suit Batman wears to fight Superman looks a little silly, but it makes sense given that he’s fighting Superman (not unlike Iron Man donning the Hulkbuster in Age of Ultron), and there are comics which back up the idea of Batman using armored Bat-Suits. That being said, I was still relieved when he went back to his normal outfit. It just looks better.

1oC. Like most superhero movies, BvS is a PG-13 film and it’s one I can see the majority of 13-year-olds dealing with just fine. (Well, other than being bored.) But much younger kids often go to see PG-13 movies, too; The Avengers, for instance. Most people aren’t shocked by eight-year-olds getting into Iron Man movies or dressing up as Black Widow for Halloween.

But this is a little different. Despite it being a PG-13 movie, I was a bit thrown when I saw small kids at the theater while watching the film because the story is definitely geared towards adults. (And then I was annoyed with those kids, and especially with their parents, because while I might not have been enjoying the movie overmuch, if I actually leave my couch and pay to go see something, it’s helpful to be able to hear it, which is considerably harder to do when kids are running up and down the stairs and literally bouncing up and down in the aisle. I’m just saying. Death glares were given.)

Anyway. Despite what Hollywood will undoubtedly take from the massive success of Deadpool, not every superhero story needs to be rated-R. But I could genuinely be into watching some more adult, violent, and even philosophical superhero films in the future, provided, of course, that they’re much better than this one. Still, I think we need to seriously re-think the MPAA ratings system if BvS got the same grade as Guardians of the Galaxy, you know?

All right. If you can stand to hear even more about this film (and boy, is there more to talk about), continue below.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

We begin our story where every Batman story begins: in Crime Alley with two gunshots, an orphaned boy, and a strand of pearls. You know, in case there’s anybody on the planet who isn’t aware of how Batman became Batman. It’s all very silly, but I’ll allow it because . . .

a) Unlike the Man of Steel prologue, it’s pretty brief.
b) Irritation with those godamn pearls aside, I have to admit that the shot with the gun and the necklace together works pretty well.
c) Lil’ Batman’s parents are Negan and Maggie, which, honestly, is probably worth the price of admission.

I knew I should have brought my bat.

We also get to see Baby Bruce falling into the Bat Cave, but instead of his dad coming to rescue him with thematically relevant questions about why we fall, a swarm of bats emerge in order to, uh, levitate him back to the surface? Clearly, it’s odd, although I’ll be honest here: some of the more surreal shit in this movie did kind of make me interested in seeing a magical realism Batman story, no matter how totally screwy that sounds. Anyway, it turns out the whole thing’s a dream, which is fine except for those pesky editing fails when it comes to this movie’s dream sequences. I’m not quite sure how to describe it properly. They just don’t work right.

But we’ll come back to dreams later. In the meantime, we fast-forward in Flashback Land to the more recent past, where Superman and Zod were destroying buildings everywhere in their big battle over Metropolis during Man of Steel. Turns out, Bruce Wayne was there too, trying to help his people at Wayne Enterprises. One of his executive dudes bites it, but Bruce helps another dude get free of a beam crushing his legs and saves a little girl whose mom almost certainly doesn’t make it. I can’t remember if anyone actually gives an official death toll in the movie, but one way or another, Bruce blames Superman for the rampant loss of life.

I’m basically fine with that, just like I’m fine with Bruce planning to steal Lex’s supply of kryptonite–and not just to keep it out of Lex’s untrustworthy hands, but to make sure that he, himself, has something at the ready to use against Superman, should our red-caped crusader ever turn Dark Side. What I’m not okay with is this argument: “If there is a one percent chance he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty.”

What? WHAT?

That is not an argument used by superheroes, nor is it an argument used by any rational human being. That is the argument of Lawful Evil supervillains. That is the argument of someone who supports internment camps. That is the argument of someone who says, “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people, so why don’t we just kill all the people so they can’t kill anyone else?” Batman not trusting Superman? No problem. Batman wanting to murder Superman on the mere possibility that he might become evil? SERIOUS PROBLEM.

The fact that Batman absolutely does not kill people under any circumstances in the comics or cartoons isn’t actually my issue here; I’m generally willing to take a certain amount of deviation in film adaptations, especially where Batman is concerned, as he’s been interpreted in so many different ways over the past 50 years. And I get it: he starts this story in a darker, less heroic place. That’s fine. But there’s a subtle difference between these two scenarios:

A) Jack tells Frank not to push a button that will blow up the whole building, killing 100 people. Frank, gloating, starts to push the button. Jack shoots Frank in the chest, killing Frank but saving the 100 people.

B) Jack knows that Frank has telekinesis and could, theoretically, push a button with his mind that will blow up a whole building, killing 100 people. Frank has stated no intention of doing this, but there is a 1% chance he could someday decide to. Jack shoots Frank in the chest, killing Frank but potentially saving the 100 people that, most likely, did not need to be saved.

Traditionally, Batman would never allow either of these two scenarios to happen. In the case of Scenario A, for instance, Batman would pull some Bat Gadget out of his utility belt, neutralize Frank, and save the day without anyone dying. But given that the DC film franchise has clearly put all their chips on Gritty Realism, I’m completely okay with Batman acting like Jack in Scenario A. (Well. Provided he doesn’t use an actual gun, of course. Some things are fucking sacrosanct, no matter what Zack Snyder or Frank Miller says.) Scenario B, on the other hand? No. Just no.

If Batman’s going to decide that he absolutely has to kill Superman, then as an audience member, I need to believe without a doubt that Batman has just cause for thinking Superman is an imminent threat that can only be stopped by death. I need a story where Batman’s suspicion of the Last Son of Krypton grows larger and larger until Superman appears to do something so evil that Bats decides he has to die to secure the entire world’s safety. Perhaps Zack Snyder thought the collateral damage from Man of Steel would qualify, but if so, he was sorely mistaken.

What might have worked for this (but didn’t): the bombing at the Senate hearing which kills a few hundred people.

If only I had super hearing or x-ray vision or something that might help with this.

Superman doesn’t blow anyone up, of course; this is all evil Lex Luthor’s scheme, partially to punish Senator Finch for refusing to help him import kryptonite and partially to make Superman look bad, I guess. But if Luthor convincingly framed Superman for the explosion, I could maybe see that as being the tipping point that rocked an already emotionally unstable Batman to believing Murder is the Only Way. The problem, unfortunately, is that everyone already knows that Superman didn’t cause the explosion, and when some reporter suggests that he might have been complicit simply because he disappeared for a couple of weeks after it happened . . . it just feels like a giant stretch. I need Batman to have that last straw moment, and this story just doesn’t provide one. It’s a huge problem for me.

It’s also just hilarious (and by hilarious, I mean kind of awful) that Batman thinks he has any room to judge Superman when he kills bad guys left and right in this movie without even blinking, like he’s Frank fucking Castle or something. Not to mention those unfortunate few times when Bats literally brands child molesters with a giant bat symbol, then hands them off to prison where they are swiftly executed by other prisoners. (Remember when I said that Batman engaged in a brutal brand of Bat Justice? The pun, if you can believe it, was actually unintentional, but when I reread it and laughed for twenty seconds straight, I decided it was worth keeping around.) And far be it for me to have sympathy for disgusting child molesters, but you really can’t have a story where your hero tortures bad guys and leaves them for dead (when not just outright killing them himself) and then complains about the bad behavior another superhero might get up to. Batman is shadowy, threatening, and can be manipulative as all hell, but this movie turns him into a supervillain without ever really acknowledging what they’ve done.

Of course, there are two other factors in play when it comes to Batman’s awful behavior: one, his totally weird dreams, and two, the fact that Lex is playing the World’s Greatest Detective like a bat-shaped fiddle. Let’s discuss the dreams first.

As mentioned, Batman has some weird ass nightmares in this movie. At one point, he appears to be in some post-apocalyptic desert world (tinted yellow, as everything else in this movie is filtered in blue) where Superman has clearly taken over the Earth and has a bunch of soldiers serving/bowing before him. Batman, who’s wearing a brown trenchcoat over his Batsuit for reasons unknown even to God, shoots Superman’s goons left and right. There are also these incredibly random flying monster deals that Rob Bricken’s Spoiler FAQ of Justice informs me are Parademons, but which I just assumed were mutated flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West because, at this point, who the fuck even knows, right?

Anyway, Batman wakes up from his incredibly WTF dream to come face to face with a very blurry Flash talking about Lois Lane being the key and Superman being evil before whisking away again when Batman wakes up for realsies this time. Now, I admit to finding this a bit interesting because I immediately jumped on the idea that BvS was trying to set up Injustice: Gods Among Us, which–if you’re unfamiliar–is a graphic novel series and video game where the Joker manages to trick Superman into killing Lois Lane, and Superman responds by murdering the Joker and going into Full World Domination mode. The Justice League is essentially split in two, with half of the heroes allying up with Superman, and the others working against him with Batman. The comic is surprisingly awesome, so I couldn’t help but get excited by the idea that DC was building towards something like it . . . but even if that is the case, such a story would work a lot better if you hadn’t set up a world where your heroes are already murderous assholes.

And God help you if you merely enjoy the occasional superhero movie and have no idea who the shit the Flash even is, much less the Parademons. This whole part of the movie is a serious muddle, even for nerds, not unlike Thor’s weird ass vision shit in Age of Ultron.

Anyway, I think it’s implied that these dreams might be influencing Batman’s terrible life choices, but mostly they just don’t make any sense and probably shouldn’t have been in the movie at all. I get that DC wants to compete with all the crazy shit Marvel’s got coming down the line, but they’re trying to juggle way too much crap. It’s no wonder that, as a result, the film feels heavy and weighed down.

Now, switching gears to Lex:

It turns out that he always wanted Batman to steal the kryptonite because his Big Evil Plan (well, one of them) is to have Batman kill Superman, or to have Superman kill Batman. What Lex has against Batman, I really couldn’t say. For that matter, I’m not even sure what Lex has against Superman in this particular film, other than the fact that maybe he’s just offended by the idea of god-like beings on Earth? It’s not like Superman gets in the way of his evil schemes or anything.

No matter. For whatever reason, Lex hates Superman and Batman and wants them both to die. So in the beginning of the movie, he frames Superman by, apparently, making it look like he got a lot of people killed while trying to save Lois Lane in the Middle East. It’s an incredibly poor frame up job, though, and so badly executed in this film that I honestly didn’t initially understand that the people Superman had supposedly killed were the ones who had been shot to death. (Cause, you know. Why would Superman have bothered to pick up a gun to kill anyone in the first place, when he could have just heat-visioned, freeze-visioned, or, IDK, squeezed people to death?)

Then there’s the nonsense with Wallace, the employee Bruce saves in the beginning of the movie. Wallace is in a wheelchair, and he blames Superman for how his whole life’s fallen apart. (Because God forbid Hollywood ever use a person’s inability to walk as anything other than a shorthand for tragedy.) Lex takes advantage of Wallace and organizes it so that he (in a brand new, Lex-approved wheelchair) meets Senator Finch and goes to testify at the fateful Senate hearing. At the same time this is happening, Bruce sees that Wallace has been returning his disability checks with angry messages scrawled in colorful ink about how Bruce let his family die, and other mean stuff. That’s when Wallace’s wheelchair (stuffed with explosives that, presumably, Wallace didn’t know about) blows up, killing him, Senator Finch, Mercy Graves, and a bunch of other extras.

Jesus, there’s a lot to unpack here.

A. I’ve spent a fair bit of time on this, and I’ve come to the realization that I still don’t understand what’s going on with the checks at all.

Supposedly, Wallace is sending them, except that such a thing makes absolutely no sense. Why would he be returning money he clearly needs? Why would he be writing threatening messages to the dude who saved his life and, pretty clearly, isn’t a Superman supporter?

Of course, later Lex gloats about how he’s been manipulating Batman and mentions the checks, insinuating that he was the one behind the threatening messages. That made a little more sense to me at first, but after thinking about it for half a minute, I realized I still had questions. Why would Bruce ever think these actually came from Wallace? How the hell did Lex get ahold of all these checks in the first place? How long has this evil plan of his been going on for? And why do these notes somehow tip Bruce further into his whole Let’s Murder Superman plan, anyway? (Also–and perhaps I’ve just forgotten the answer in the middle of all this ridiculousness–how does Lex know that Bruce is Batman, again?)

B. There was absolutely no need to kill Mercy Graves.

The point, presumably, is to show that Lex is EVIL and willing to kill even those closest to him to accomplish his dastardly goals; what it actually proved, unfortunately, is that Lex is an idiot, because you don’t sacrifice your right-hand unless you’re actually sacrificing it for something. Since there’s zero reason Lex and Mercy couldn’t have snuck away from the hearing together, Lex is obviously both a total bastard and a moron.

C. Other than Wonder Woman, Senator Finch was probably my favorite character because I was so happy to have someone who acted like a reasonable human being. Quite naturally, she died for it.

D. If you read my Man of Steel review, you may remember that I didn’t really mind Superman killing Zod all that much, partially because I saw that as much more of a justifiable homicide a la Jack killing Frank in Scenario A type of thing, but also because Henry Cavill really sold me on Superman’s anguish at having to make that choice. Pretty much the opposite happens here, because Supes’s reaction to everyone burning and dying around him? Zip. Zippo. Nada. He basically just stands there, all glum, like, “Man, my life really sucks sometimes.” Superman reacts to mass murder the way I react to accidentally dropping a gummy bear in the dirt, or how Eeyore reacts to life in general. (If you read the FAQ I linked to earlier, you’ll find a musical cue that basically represents Superman’s expression to a T. I don’t agree with Rob Bricken on everything about Zack Snyder’s DC universe–for instance, the death of Zod–but I do agree with him on quite a bit, and I’m not going to lie: reading the FAQ was a big motivator in going to see the movie at all.)

So. Where the hell was I? Right. Lex has now successfully manipulated Batman into trying to murder Superman. He can’t do the same to Superman, though, because you can’t just pull the wool over Clark Kent’s eyes; you know, he’s not a gullible, trusting fool like Bruce Wayne. (Can someone do me a favor and invent a font that’s only used for when people have to write supremely sarcastic sentences, something like cursive that also appears to be melting under the heat of intense scorn? I would enjoy that.) So, instead, Lex kidnaps both Lois Lane and Martha Kent. Lois is quickly saved, but Martha Kent–who’s shown bruised and bloody in some pretty disturbing and not particularly necessary Polaroids–will be killed unless Superman returns to Lex with Batman’s head. (Actually, now that I think about it, Lex probably goes the manipulation route with Batman because he doesn’t have a woman in his life to terrorize, only Alfred.)

Finally, Batman and Superman fight. Seriously, for a movie called Batman v Superman, the two don’t actually spend much time duking it out. Maybe that’s why it’s a ‘v’ rather than a ‘vs?’ A trial (of sorts), rather than a battle? It doesn’t matter. Superman flies to Gotham (where Batman has called him out) and tries to get Bats to listen to reason, only it doesn’t work. I know you’re probably thinking it’s because Batman’s a homicidal lunatic in this movie, and that’s surely part of the reason, but most of it, actually, is Superman’s fault, since, idiotically, he keeps advancing forward on the dude trying to kill him, while very half-heartedly trying to explain what’s actually going on. If Supes would just stop moving for one second and say, “I need your help to save my mother,” the fight would never have even begun.

But he doesn’t do that, so yeah, they fight. The scene itself is pretty decent, although at this point, I was so checked out of the story that I wasn’t focusing on things like “Cool! Action!” and instead thinking stuff like, “Seriously, Superman, you’re such an idiot,” and “Jesus, how much time is left?” Batman and Superman both gain and regain the upper hand a few times before Batman, finally, is about to kill his foe. Weakly, Superman says that Batman needs to save Martha, and Batman responds by freaking the hell out and demanding why Supes is saying that name.

I know some people thought this was dumb, but honestly, the ‘Martha’ development is probably one of my favorite bits of the whole movie–and not just because the rest of the story is so stupid that this benefits by comparison. Part of the reason I like it so well, I think, is that it makes sense to me for someone to finally acknowledge the weird coinkydink that DC’s biggest, most-well known heroes have mothers with the same name. Mostly, though, I really like it because Batman seems a little unhinged here in a way that doesn’t seem totally OOC and awful. For the first time in this movie–and maybe in any of the live-action movies–I actually get the vibe that for all his cool ninja moves and awesome gadgetry, Batman is really just a fucked up kid who will, at least partially, always be stuck in that moment where he watched his parents die. It worked for me.

Well. Except for the fact that they replayed the whole Crime Alley flashback when just a two-second shot of Lauren Cohan’s face or JDM saying “Martha” would have worked better. And the fact that Lois arrives to explain that Martha is Superman’s mother because, clearly, Superman can’t articulate shit when he actually needs to. Other than that, though, I liked it.

Once Batman stands down, well. He and Superman are pretty much fine with each other, which is obviously ridiculous–and hysterical, particularly when Bats saves Martha Kent telling her that he’s a friend of her son’s. I mean, I guess I understand why he doesn’t go with, “Hey, I’m Clark’s friend. I mean, I did just try to kill him, but then we totes hugged it out.” Still, I have this image of Martha telling Clark that he should invite that nice young man who saved her from the bad guys over for dinner, and Clark doing a spit-take over a glass of milk and saying, “Gosh, Mom, I would, but I’m still feeling a little sore about the time he tried to impale me with a kryptonite spear.” Okay, I’d probably pay money to watch that scene.

Sadly, this is about the time the movie takes another ludicrous turn for the worse. Superman goes to confront Lex, and Lex proceeds with the next part of his Big, Evil Plan: Doomsday.

So, Lex has made this super strong monster, Doomsday, out of General Zod’s dead body, or something. (I would desperately love to know how much Michael Shannon got paid for showing up to be a dead body in various locations. I think that could be a pretty sweet gig, actually.) Doomsday, if you’re unfamiliar, is the dude who kills Superman in the comics, and in this movie, he looks like a slightly spiker version of the Abomination from The Incredible Hulk. It is not intimidating in the slightest.

Including Doomsday is, IMO, a pretty terrible choice because sweet Jesus, how many stories are they trying to fit into this one movie? BvS is a sequel to Man of Steel. It introduces a Batman divorced from any of the previous Batman films. It’s a reinterpretation of both The Dark Knight Returns and The Death of Superman. It’s trying to set up for Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and The Justice League, Part One, not to mention hinting heavily at the next Big Bad, Darkseid, and maybe an Injustice storyline? NO. This is too much to explain or even sum up.

Not to mention, if Lex was going to release Doomsday, what the hell was the point of getting Batman and Superman to fight in the first place? For that matter, why release Doomsday at all? At the end of the movie, Lex (in jail, where the guards inexplicably shave his head) appears to be totally nuts for no good reason I can tell, talking a bunch of craziness that hints at Darkseid’s arrival like that was the whole plan all along? So . . . Lex wanted a powerful alien threat? Why the hell would he want that? How does any of this benefit Lex even a little?

More things (primarily dumb) about The Fight Against Doomsday:

A. Batman realizes that there’s only one weapon which can stop Doomsday: the kryptonite spear he’d been planning to use against Superman. Unfortunately, it’s still back in Gotham. Does Batman leave Doomsday where he is, on some abandoned bit of earth, while he goes to get the spear? Nope. He decides, instead, to have Doomsday chase him all the way back to Gotham, and while I appreciate that they bother to drop a line that this particular part in Gotham is also abandoned . . . why would you even do that? Isn’t it far more likely that innocent citizens along the way will get hurt during this plan?

You know what I really want at this point? A Batman story that’s primarily focused on him as a detective, not just a dude in a cape with big fists. I want a story where he has to inspect clues and spy on people and run down leads and use all of his ridiculous gadgets. Historically, Batman is all about being super smart and having a ton of gadgets. When can I have a live-action movie like that?

B. Lois is literally only around at this point to be a damsel in distress. I can take some damselling, but this shit is just boring.

C. Thankfully, Wonder Woman returns for the big fight against Doomsday, and she is glorious.

She is basically the only good thing that happens in the last twenty minutes of the movie. Did I mention I’m ready to see a Wonder Woman movie now? Because I am. I really, really am. Please be better than this.

D. Superman sacrifices himself to kill Doomsday and save the world. I’d like to say that it’s sad, but my heartstrings were not significantly tugged, mostly because Superman’s death is entirely his own fault.

So, Superman goes to get that kryptonite spear, the one that seriously hurts him to even be near, much less use.  Does he give the spear to Wonder Woman, who’s also super strong and can use it against Doomsday far more effectively? Nope. Does he hand it to Batman, who isn’t nearly as strong, but isn’t currently using the Lasso of Truth on Doomsday–or, really, doing much of anything–and could still totally wield the weapon without poisoning himself? Nope. Superman sacrifices himself for absolutely no reason at all, proving that the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. Pa and Clark Kent, I hope you’re both happy in Hell.

Finally, a few more random notes before I can finally, finally, be free of this review/thesis/treatise:

A. Killing Superman in this movie is just dumb. We all know he’s coming back for the JL film. Why even do this? It makes no sense to me. (I know, I know: it’s because Doomsday killed him in the comics. Don’t care. You lose nearly all emotion from a character’s death scene when you know for a fact he’s going to be resurrected in the next film.)

B. In the beginning of the movie, Lois’s cameraman is executed. They don’t mention him by name, but it turns out that he’s Jimmy Olsen. That’s . . . pretty fucked up, to kill a major supporting character from the Superman stories like that for no real reason at all, especially if you’re not even going to bother naming the poor bastard. On the other hand, it could be further evidence for my Injustice theory, since–sorry, SPOILERS–Jimmy Olsen is executed with a gunshot in the beginning of that story, too. Although I should say that, as much as I’d love to see an Injustice movie, I would hate to see it made by Zack Snyder. Injustice is dark and violent and heartbreaking as hell. It’s also hilarious, just hugely entertaining, and nothing I’ve seen in Man of Steel or BvS has led me to believe Snyder could possibly make an Injustice movie that nails the comic’s awesome tone. (Besides, it’d work better as a TV show on HBO or Netflix, anyway.)

C. Lois is pretty upset at the beginning of the movie, and while she’s sitting there (naked in the tub, which I guess is slightly better than crying in the shower), it occurred to me that it might be kind of nice to see a girl break up with a superhero, not because he didn’t make it to dinner or something stupid like that, but because he chose saving her over saving other people and those people died. When a superhero and his GF break up, it’s almost always about the superhero’s guilt, his feelings. It might be kind of nice if it was about her guilt, for once.

D. Lex has a deep and abiding interest in pain foreshadow metahumans, so he just happens to have files on Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg. The fact that Lex has this info at all feels more than a little convenient. I agree with my sister that the video footage on these guys (excluding WW) would have worked better as a post credits scene. Also, in case anyone’s looking to fake geek girl me, here’s your ammunition: I totally couldn’t figure out Cyborg until after I got home. I kept trying to scroll through the JLU characters I knew in my head and kept coming up blank, probably because–despite having seen him with the Justice League before–I tend to associate Cyborg with the Teen Titans cartoon. Appropriately, I bow my head in shame.

On the other hand, I just wrote over 7500 words about a godamn superhero movie. If that doesn’t properly qualify someone as being a geek, I really don’t know what does.

QUOTES:

Bruce: “We’re criminals, Alfred. We’ve always been criminals. Nothing’s changed.”
Alfred: “Oh, yes, it has, sir. Everything’s changed.”

Bruce: “Twenty years in Gotham, Alfred. We’ve seen what promises are worth. How many good guys are left? How many stayed that way?”

Bruce: “Maybe it’s the Gotham City in me. We just have a bad history with freaks dressed as clowns.”

Bruce: “You don’t know me, but I’ve known a few women like you.”
Diana: “Oh, I don’t think you’ve ever known a woman like me.”

Batman: “It’s okay. I’m a friend of your son’s.”
Martha Kent: “I figured. The cape.”

Alfred: “Even you’ve gotten too old to die young, though not for lack of trying.”

Superman: “Is she with you?”
Batman: “I thought she was with you.”

Wonder Woman: “I’ve killed monsters from other worlds before.”

Alfred: “Master Wayne, since the age of seven you’ve been to the art of deception like Mozart to the harpsichord, but you’ve never been too hot at lying to me.”

Perry White: “Crime Wave in Gotham. In other breaking news, Water, Wet!”

Batman: “Oh, shit.”

Alfred: “Thermal imaging is showing me two dozen hostiles on the third floor. Why don’t I drop you off on the second?”

Anatoli: “I’ll kill her! Believe me, I’ll do it!”
Batman: “I believe you.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Christ. It’s just such a mess. There are good moments in it. I don’t feel like I completely wasted 2 1/2 hours of my life. (After all, think of all the nerd rage debates I can now participate in!) But it’s just not particularly fun or smart or even a little bit cohesive. Maybe at some point I’ll try to write an outline in how I would fix this movie, but right now I’m tapped out.

MVP:

Gal Gadot

TENTATIVE GRADE:

. . . C?

MORAL:

If there’s even a 1% chance a person is guilty, convict, and then send them straight to Death Row. Do not let them pass GO. Do not let them collect $200. Fry those fuckers, and rejoice in a job well done.

The Magnificent Seven

So, this looks cool. It’s not the all-girl version of The Magnificent Seven I was dreaming of, but Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Matt Bomer, Byung-hun Lee, Vincent D’Onofrio,     and some big ass guns? Could be fun. Plus, while this appears to take place in one of those universes that are populated by 40-men-for-every-1-woman, it also seems that our sole main female character will have some action-y stuff to do, so, yay! I doubt she’s one of the titular seven, and it’d be really nice for a western or action film to have more than one (or even two) important female characters, but still, one woman is one more than I seem to remember from the original Magnificent Seven or Seven Samurai. So, er, progress? (Unless I’m misremembering, of course. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen either film.)

Also, “I seek righteousness, but I’ll take revenge” is a pretty great line.

Cell

Well. That looks spectacularly bad.

Here’s the thing about Cell: I read this book back when it first came out in 2006, and it was super creepy (until it suddenly wasn’t–I had problems with the second half) because I was late to the cell phone game and didn’t get one until, oh, maybe the following year? So I’d look up from my book on the bus and everyone would be on their phones, and I’d be like, Shit, the zombies are here, THE ZOMBIES ARE HEEEEEERE. By 2016, though, pretty much everyone and their grandmother and their grandmothers’ dogs have cell phones, which in theory would make the story even more scary but somehow makes it feel obsolete instead. There isn’t really any lingering ‘cell phone causes brain cancer or whatever else’ dread going around these days. The whole premise just feels a little silly.

More importantly, though, this just looks like a terrible movie. My only real interest in watching it is as a possible candidate for next year’s Bloody Hearts.

The Killing Joke

I actually just read this comic for the first time the other night. It’s generally considered to be one of the best Batman graphic novels ever. Naturally, I hated it.

I want to be interested in this. Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill are involved, so that’s a huge plus. I’m all about R-rated animated movies, and the attention to detail in this is exquisite. I mean, damn. This looks to be a spot-on recreation of the comic. But I guess that’s the problem because I really, really did not like this comic. Between the abhorrent treatment of female characters, Joker’s sad sack backstory, and Gordon’s S&M gear at the circus . . . yeah. I liked one of the ideas (if not the execution) and the last page. That’s about all.

Probably going to skip this one and watch Under the Red Hood again instead. Oooh, or Batman vs. Robin. I’ve been meaning to get around to that.

Approaching the Unknown

This looks interesting. It’s hard to know exactly where it’s going to go, and I’m guessing it’s the kind of movie you don’t want to know too much about before going in. Mark Strong, Luke Wilson, space, and mysterious, mind-trippy stuff are enough to catch my eye . . . but I have a couple of concerns.

One: my tolerance for ‘am I going crazy’ stories is pretty minimal, so while some mindfuckery is fine, I can’t have that be the driving question for the entire movie. (Also, I’d deeply prefer it if the answer wasn’t yes.) Two: I’m having a real hard time buying the idea that one guy would be sent alone to Mars, especially if it’s not supposed to be a routine, ‘we’ve done this a billion times already’ kind of trip. I can generally buy all sorts of ridiculous premises, as long as I know about them up front, and admittedly, I don’t know much about NASA that Packing to Mars and Armageddon didn’t teach me–but a lone wolf astronaut in space? Pretty much stretches my credulity to the limit.

Still. I have to admit I’m way more curious about this one than, say, Snowden or the next Jason Bourne movie. (I watched trailers for both but couldn’t manage to drum up enough reaction about either of them to bother jotting down.)

And finally . . . Adventures in Babysitting

Oh, what the shit is this?

Apparently, the Disney Channel has heartlessly decided to mine the depths of my childhood by remaking Adventures in Babysitting, and I mean “remaking” in the loosest possible sense. Godamn vultures.

Look, it’s been forever since I’ve seen the original Adventures in Babysitting, and fine, it probably doesn’t hold up all that well, but this . . . this . . . travesty just makes me sad. Come on, Disney Channel! Does your TV movie have Elizabeth Shue rocking this dress while dancing to “Then He Kissed Me,” or Bradley Whitford as a sleazy boyfriend with terrible excuses, or Vincent D’Onofrio playing Thor (well, sort of)?

I think not, Disney Channel. I think not.

Well, my friends. The time has come.

CIVIL WAR IS UPON US.

DISCLAIMER:

There will be no spoilers for Civil War until the aptly named and easily avoidable Spoiler Section. However, there will be SPOILERS throughout the review for previous movies in the Marvel franchise, particularly Age of Ultron and The Winter Soldier.

SUMMARY:

The Sokovia Accords are created to ensure superheroes work solely for the UN, rather than as vigilantes with no oversight. The Avengers are divided on whether to sign the Accords, with half the team agreeing with Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) that it’s the responsible thing to do, and half following Steve Roger’s (Chris Evans) lead when he refuses to sign. Things become further complicated when a manhunt begins for Cap’s BFF and wanted fugitive, Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan).

NOTES:

1. I’m not going to lie, folks. I was a little worried going into this movie. I know I probably shouldn’t have been. I adore The Winter Soldier, which the Russo brothers also directed, and the early reviews of Civil War were glowing so hard that they were basically radioactive. (Well, Hollywood radioactive anyway. It’s a very specific shade of bright neon green.) But I worried anyway, due to some combo of these factors:

1A) I really wanted to like this movie, and expectations are a bitch.

1B) Especially taking Age of Ultron into consideration, which genuinely has some good stuff going for it but did ultimately disappoint me.

1C) There are a lot of players in Civil War, and the more you’ve got to juggle, the more likely everything’s gonna come crashing down.

1D) If I didn’t understand where both Captain America and Iron Man were coming from, I was going to have serious problems. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ll forgive a lot if I’m having a good time watching something, but if I don’t buy character motivation, you will lose me entirely, and that goes double for the characters I actually like. If this movie was so hell bent on making Tony the antagonist that it turned him into an insanely idiotic jackass (the way he was in the Civil War comics, apparently), I was not going to be happy and you were all going to suffer for it.

Thankfully, that is (mostly) not the case.

2. In truth, Civil War is a lot of fun. It effortlessly juggles its ridiculously large band of superheroes like you would not believe; more ensemble casts (looking at you, Star Trek) could stand to take a cue from this film. Almost everyone gets something pretty memorable to do; even the smaller roles that are basically just glorified cameos are exciting to watch. It’s fairly impressive.

The movie also manages to strike a pretty perfect balance between Funny As Hell and Angsty As Shit, which, of course, is just my favorite thing in the world. All the Laughter, All the Feels should basically be my fan motto.

And, of course, the action scenes and battle sequences are just spectacular.

The One Scene That Everyone’s Talking About with, like, eighteen different superheroes? (Okay, actually twelve.) You guys. It’s so good. Like, okay, there’s this spot inside my soul where all my impossible childhood dreams live, right, and one of those dreams comes from being a huge X-Men: The Animated Series fan as a kid. In the opening titles, there’s a shot of all the good mutants and all the evil mutants running at each other in some big, epic battle, and I’ve always wanted to watch that scene–but, unfortunately, it was never a real scene, just something they made to look cool for the opener. This disappointment has lingered in my childish heart for YEARS . . . but now, it’s been lifted because the giant ass battle in the middle of Civil War pretty much just gave me the best live-action version of that scene (albeit with different heroes) that I could have ever imagined. For that alone, I have to love this movie.

3. Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t have some problems with the film . . . because I’m me, yes, but also because as awesome as this film is, there are certain things that could have been handled better (or, in some cases, just eliminated entirely). I can’t get into too many details outside the Spoiler Section, of course, but here are a few vague allusions to my problems with the film:

3A. In matters of the heart, I take some issue with how two different relationships are handled. By no means do they ruin the movie for me, but . . . I also wouldn’t call them small issues.

3B. A particular element of the denouement feels pretty anticlimactic to me and almost a bit . . . convenient? It’s a minor problem, but I was annoyed by it.

3C. For the most part, the Team Cap vs Team Tony stuff is handled really well. There aren’t a lot of easy answers, and I can see where both sides are coming from . . . except at one point, where I think Captain America makes a crucial error in judgment that, frankly, slides me just a little to Team Tony’s side. (Should it be Team Iron Man? Probably, but I like the alliteration of Team Tony.) Now, I wouldn’t consider this a problem, necessarily, except that I didn’t get the impression that the writers felt Cap made a mistake here, and since I absolutely did . . . it bugged me. (It’s also a plot convenience issues. Oh, the things characters choose to do or not do in order to serve the plot.)

4. The truth, though, is that whether you were Team Tony or Team Cap (or Team Can’t We All Just Get Along) before this movie started, your allegiance probably changed to Team T’Challa or Team Spider-Man by the time the movie ended. Because hot damn, are they both awesome.

I liked Black Panther well enough while watching Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, but I must admit to being a little worried about how T’Challa and Wakanda itself were going to play out in a live-action movie. I mean, I don’t know why I worried–Hollywood having that stellar reputation for its careful depictions of other cultures, countries, and continents that it does—-but still. I was a bit concerned.

But Chadwick Boseman just hits it out of the park. He has such presence as T’Challa, I’m not even quite sure how to describe it. He is equal parts dignity, regality, and BADASSERY, and I am all on board for a Black Panther movie now.

Meanwhile, I have to admit that for all my doubts about a third Peter Parker in under fifteen years, Tom Holland does a pretty great job with the role.

His Spider-Man is nerdy, hyper, hilarious, and kind of adorable, and his presence brightens up the whole movie. I also have a weird amount of feels about the interactions between him and Tony. They’re kind of the best. And while I wasn’t surprised to find out that Holland was British–he just has a British sort of look to him?–I also don’t remember hearing his accent at all. So, kudos, kid. You’re what, 19? Yeah, don’t mind me as I collapse, weeping, as I consider the wide range of nothing I’d managed to accomplish by 19.

5. Unfortunately, most everything else I want to talk about includes spoilers, so I’m going to wrap this section up pretty early with a quick note about our antagonist, Zemo (Daniel Brühl).

What I can say about Zemo is limited, but I will note that, while not going on my list of Most Awesome Cinematic Villains Ever or anything, Zemo isn’t bad, especially by Marvel’s standards. He’s a little different than the usual Annihilate Everyone on the Planet for Evil Reasons of Evil bad guy, and I liked Brühl’s performance, especially in one scene near the end.

I am, of course, obviously disappointed that Marvel chose not to go with Baron Zemo’s costume from EMH, but I guess we can’t have everything we want in life. (For shame, Marvel. For shame. Think of what we could have had: ostentatious gold belt! Dalmatian fur shoulders! Matching Dalmation fur-lined boots! Purple EVERYWHERE! This is the pinnacle of supervillain fashion right here, Marvel, and you missed out big time. Go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done.)

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

So, we begin our story back in 1990, when Bucky Barnes was still the Winter Solider. The bad guys use a set of particularly random words to trigger Bucky’s Killing Mode, and I’m absolutely sure those words won’t be relevant again. Bucky’s mission, it appears, is to crash some dude’s car so he can steal some blue junk out of the trunk. (Er, not a euphemism? Honestly, I don’t even know what that would be a euphemism for. It just sounds vaguely wrong. Please don’t offer suggestions.)

We don’t see the occupants of the car, but even before we get to Hilariously Young Tony Stark reminding us that his parents died on the way to the airport, I was like, “Oh yeah, Bucky totally just murdered Iron Man’s Mom and Dad. Shit be going DOWN tonight.” And then I was like, “Wait, 1990? Isn’t that math a little . . . off?” But I decided to trust my understanding of narrative over my incredibly limited abilities to do math in my head. This is always the right call.

(Also, can I just say: thank God CGI has advanced some since the days of X-Men: The Last Stand. 20-year-old CGI RDJ is weird because, like, your brain knows it’s wrong, but his face didn’t actually look bad, or at least not to me. This is a far cry from the attempt at Young Patrick Stewart and Young Ian McKellan in the worst X-Men movie of all time.)

Anyway. We’re now brought to the present, where Cap, Black Widow, Falcon, and Scarlet Witch stop Brock Rumlow (last seen on fire in The Winter Soldier) from stealing some weapon or other. Unfortunately, Rumlow also manages to distract Cap long enough to trigger a bomb, and when Scarlet Witch tries to levitate it into the sky to save Cap, it detonates too soon, destroying a building and killing a number of people inside.

This, along with what happened to Sokovia in Age of Ultron, prompts something of an outcry. Which, by the way, I do understand. There’s always the debate on whether superheroes should be held accountable for the civilian deaths that happen while they’re busy saving the world, which I think is an interesting one. On one hand, if the superheroes weren’t there, maybe–even likely–everyone dies. It’s not fair to blame them for an inability to save everyone. On the other hand, it really depends on how those civilian deaths occur, doesn’t it? Because I think there’s a difference between, say, these two different scenarios:

Scenario A: A cop is unable to evacuate two of the ten hostages in a building before the bad guys set off a bomb.

Scenario B: A cop sets off a small bomb to kill the bad guys holding ten people hostage, but the same blast which kills the bad guys also takes out two of the hostages.

As applied to superheroes . . . well, it’s complicated. Think the first Avengers movies with the Chitauri invasion: if Hulk tosses one of the Chitauri’s flying sea turtles into a building, and it crashes into six people, killing them, is that more Scenario B than A? Or do you think that Scenario A and B can’t be applied to extra-powered people? I’m just saying, I find the whole thing interesting. I think there’s more nuance in the debate than some people give it credit for.

But I’ve gotten off track again. Okay, so, the UN creates the Sokovia Accords, which honestly seem fairly reasonable, all things considered, although you’ve got to seriously side eye any plan that has General Ross (now Secretary of State Ross, apparently) on board. Anyway, The Avengers (current and retired) divide pretty squarely in half:

Cap votes NAY. He does not trust any government, even a collection of governments, to send the team on missions that are morally right. He also believes that the UN will keep the Avengers from helping people who need help purely due to political reasons, and he’s almost certainly not wrong about that. Cap definitely has cause not to trust the upper-ups (kids, can we say HAIL HYDRA?), and his journey over the last few movies from a dude who just wants to fight for his country to a guy who doesn’t really trust his country is actually kind of awesome. Still, it’s worth pointing out that his philosophical stand against the Accords rather quickly become almost entirely about saving Bucky.

Iron Man votes YAY. It’s a weird vote if you’ve recently watched Iron Man 2, where Tony’s absolutely refusing to give the government control of his suits, but since Age of Ultron, Tony’s got mad remorse like whoa, especially after grieving mother Alfre Woodard appears to guilt the holy living shit out of him. Tony thinks the Avengers need accountability, and I don’t think he’s wrong about that. Some of the moves he makes, though, start getting a little sketch, despite the best of intentions.

Black Widow votes YAY, mostly because she reads the political landscape and figures this is happening whether she likes it or not.

Oh, some shit’s about to go down.

Vision votes YAY because statistical analysis suggests that there may be a causation between superheroes trying to save the world and supervillains trying to destroy the holy hell out of it.

Scarlet Witch ABSTAINS but then switches to NAY when Vision, acting under Tony’s orders, keeps her confined against her will to Avengers Headquarters. (See what I mean about sketch? Tony’s trying to keep Wanda safe, but imprisoning anyone against their will when they haven’t broken any laws is pretty much never a good idea.)

Hawkeye ABSTAINS because he’s retired but then switches to NAY when he goes to break out Scarlet Witch. I’m guessing that it’s her imprisonment which causes Hawkeye to get into the game? He’s really the only one in the whole film whose motivation seems a little bit shaky. Maybe it’s the fangirl in me, but I kind of assumed he’d pick whatever side Nat was on unless he had strong motivation not to, which I’m not sure the Sokovia Accords alone provides, not for him.

Falcon votes NAY because he’s Captain America’s bestie.

War Machine votes YAY because he’s Iron Man’s bestie, but also because he genuinely believes in the Sokovia Accords, which is entirely consistent with his character throughout the Iron Man movies.

And in the midst of this debate, something deeply upsetting happens: Peggy Carter dies, and I am Jack’s total despair.

Yes, yes, Peggy lived a full, happy life, and I had a few months to make my peace with the likelihood of her death, as my sister correctly predicted she would bite it from the trailer, but . . . ugh. I’m just so bummed now. Peggy Carter was the best. Word is that Season Three of Agent Carter is looking less and less likely–oh, no, it just got cancelled? AS I WAS EDITING THIS?! Motherfucker. We have now killed and cancelled Peggy Carter. Now I’m just depressed.

Especially because we’ve hit upon my first semi-serious problem with the movie:

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD LOVE INTERESTS GONE?

I want to be 100% clear about this: I do not ship Steve Rogers and Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp) at ALL.

Hey! That’s my girl you’re talking about.

Look, I never thought Sharon had much in the way of personality. VanCamp and Evans barely have even a thimble of chemistry between them, and I was deeply unenthused when I found out that Steve’s new love interest was Peggy’s great niece. Like, that’s taking “dumping the old ball and chain for the hot, younger model” thing to a whole new level of squick, you know? But not only is Sharon an incredibly lackluster replacement for Peggy, I seriously object to the timing of Steve and Sharon’s smoochies. Like, okay, clearly I love Peggy, but even I didn’t expect Steve to stick with Peg when she’s, like, 90-years-old. I figured he’d move on, and I was fine with that, especially if he moves on with Tony Stark because COME ON YOU KNOW YOU SHIP IT. (Unless you’re a Bucky/Steve shipper, of course, in which case I can’t help you because I’m just not. I know, Half of the Internet: I’m letting you down right now. I can’t help it. I just dig this too much.)

So, yeah, moving on? I’m cool with that. What I’m less cool with is Steve and Sharon macking on each other, what, later that very same day? Or is it supposed to be the next day? Either way, I’m sorry, it’s gross. Peggy’s supposed to be the big love of Steve’s life. She is barely in the ground, and he’s already giving tongue to Peggy’s great-niece? Well, that’s romantic. I mean, the whole thing is so rushed. I can’t help but feel like Peggy kicked the bucket just to pave the way for these two to get together, and really, who’s actually invested in Agent 13 and Cap anyway? (Well, other than Bucky and Sam, who, admittedly, have pretty hilarious matching “Go Steve, it’s your birthday” faces while watching The Kiss. I did laugh pretty hard at that.) Sharon and Steve have had a couple of scenes in two movies where they kinda/sorta half-ass flirt, and that’s about it. Do they even have a ship name? (Is it Agent America, because it should be.) I know romance in the Marvel movies can be kind of hit-or-miss, but this one is such a miss for me it’s not even funny.

And while we’re on the subject of problematic romance stories in this movie . . .

So, yeah. Let me tell you about some bullshit.

Apparently, Tony and Pepper broke up sometime off screen, presumably because Tony couldn’t quit being Iron Man, but really because . . . I don’t know, the Russo Brothers wanted to make sure Tony was super, super isolated and depressed? (Or maybe because Gwyneth Paltrow couldn’t appear? But I’m pretty sure they could have written around that.) And it’s just like, come on, dudes. I like that you at least acknowledge the end of Iron Man 3 (the way Age of Ultron totally failed to do), but seriously, Tony Stark has enough angst in this film as is. He has, like, four previous movies worth of guilt, plus his BFF gets badly hurt, plus he finds out that his parents were murdered. You know? Did you really need to give him a breakup too? (I know it’s never going to happen, but I’ve got to say: I’m kind of ready to see a Tony Stark story which doesn’t go like this: Tony fucks up, Tony has guilt, Tony tries to fix his mistake which leads to Tony fucking up again, Tony having more guilt, Tony trying to fix his mistake, etc. Maybe we could just have a lot less fucking up and guilt the next time around?)

Plus, while I’m not particularly interested in watching Tony and Pepper’s unnecessary romantic melodrama, their relationship is easily the biggest, most well-liked canon relationship in the MCU. (It certainly helps that, unlike Evans and VanCamp, Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow have mad chemistry.) We’ve been following their romance since 2008. Breaking them up off screen is bullshit. If they were going to breakup, we deserved to actually, you know, see it. Instead, the Russo brothers cast Pepper aside like she was just some extra, a minor part in a past film, and between that and the Peggy/Sharon Carter fiasco, I’m left with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Love interests seem awfully replaceable in Civil War, which might not frustrate me so much in a film that had a better female-to-male ratio, but, yeah. This is what we’ve got:

Important Male Characters: Steve, Bucky, Tony, Rhodey, Sam, Vision, Clint, T’Challa, Ant-Man, Spider-Man, Zemo, and Thaddeus Ross.
Important Female Characters: Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter.

And truthfully, I still don’t find Scarlet Witch much more compelling than Sharon Carter. She seems to have more potential, at least, and her powers remain cool. Still, her whole story (people are scared of me!) feels more like an outline of a character arc than an actual character arc. And while her hint at a romance with Vision (who also doesn’t interest me much) is probably my favorite romance in the movie, I still was kind of like “Must we? We must? Fine.” I will freely admit to being amused by the paprika bit, but still, no amount of cute floundering with yummy spices will make up for imprisoning your would-be girlfriend, so I find I’m having trouble being excited by their possible romance. Although it’s worth pointing out that Scarlet Witch and Vision manage about 80 times more burgeoning chemistry in their forty-second cooking lesson than Cap and Sharon have managed in two movies.

Time to get back to the main plot? Okay. World leaders meet to sign and implement the Sokovia Accords, but it goes badly when Zemo (pretending to be the Winter Soldier) assassinates T’Challa’s father, the King of Wakanda.

And T’Challa is PISSED about it.

Even if I’d known nothing about Black Panther going into this movie, I like to think I would’ve figured out that the poor former king of Wakanda was a dead man walking. He might as well have worn a shirt that said DOOMED FOR PLOT PURPOSES. (I should like to own such a shirt. It would go nicely with my red one that has EXPENDABLE written across it.) Naturally, T’Challa goes into Badass Revenge Mode, and the official manhunt for Bucky begins with orders to kill on sight. Naturally, Steve takes issue with that, so he and Sam try to get to Bucky first. Much action ensues, but the takeaway is that Steve, Sam, and Bucky are all arrested.

Before I go any further, it occurs to me that I have not yet discussed Everett K. Ross (Martin Freeman), not to be confused with Secretary of State Ross. I didn’t know anything about Ross, so I looked him up, and apparently he’s an ally to Black Panther in the comics, which, honestly, surprises me quite a bit because all I really got from Freeman’s performance was a) a surprisingly decent American accent, and b) the impression of a schmucky little G-man who thinks he’s a bigger deal than he is. Like, that whole speech daring whoever to misbehave? (I can no longer remember if he’s talking to Bucky or Zemo here.) I was flat out rolling my eyes at his idiocy. Maybe this will change with the Black Panther movie, but right now Everett K. Ross strikes me as a minor villain, not a superhero’s ally.

But back to the story: Bucky meets is a psychologist (well, supposedly). The session goes poorly.

The psychologist, of course, is Zemo, who uses those random trigger words we heard in the beginning of the movie to activate the Winter Soldier. Bucky escapes, causing destruction and death as he goes, but he’s more or less back to normal by the time Steve and Sam (who have also escaped) catch up to him. Bucky explains about the trigger words and what he believes is Zemo’s Master Plan of Evil: to release the five bigger, badder Winter Soldiers (who we’ve never heard of before) because they have the capability of DESTROYING THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

This turns out not to be Zemo’s plan, which, thank God. On one hand, it makes sense that if you can brainwash one dude and turn him into a human weapon, why not brainwash some more dudes? More bang for your Buck, so to speak. (No, I’m not sorry for the pun.) On the other hand, revealing that the ultimate evil is a handful of miscellaneous assassins on ice (Disney’s best figure skating show yet!) is pretty underwhelming, like, is this really the threat that’s going to bring Captain America and Iron Man back together again?

Well, kind of. But before we get there, let’s get to my next problem with the film.

LEARN TO SHARE WITH THE FUCKING CLASS, CHILDREN.

I’m Captain America, and I’m here to teach you about NOT using your words.

Here are the things that Steve knows:

A) Bucky didn’t kill T’Challa’s father.
B) Bucky was purposefully triggered by a fake psychologist.
C) The same fake psychologist (supposedly) hopes to control five SUPER ASSASSINS.

Now, it’s true that Steve can’t prove any of these things yet. And I wouldn’t expect him to try and reason with Ross (who clearly can’t be reasoned with) or, say, T’Challa (who’s unlikely to hear much while in Full-On Vengeance Mode). But instead of reaching out and telling these not-insignificant things to Tony or Natasha (you know, people he’s saved the world with and trusted to have his back), Steve just says something like, “Tony will never believe it,” and moves on. Which is a huge fucking mistake.

Look, Tony probably wouldn’t have believed Steve without proof, or at least, wouldn’t have trusted Steve to be objective about his BFF’s innocence. I doubt Tony would have stopped trying to bring Cap and his cohorts in. He might, however, have put some resources into investigating Steve’s claims, you know, as happens much later in the film when the real psychologist is found dead. And if Tony had made that discovery before, say, the Big Awesome Battle at the Airfield? Here’s how the story would have played out:

Instead of a Big Awesome Battle at the Airfield, Team Tony and Team Cap warily call a truce to investigate Bucky’s new lead into Zemo’s whereabouts. Because there’s no battle, Rhodey isn’t paralyzed, nor are Hawkeye, Falcon, Scarlet Witch, and Ant-Man captured and imprisoned. All twelve superheroes head out to the Ice Fortress, where Zemo probably still breaks Tony’s heart by revealing the truth about his parents, but the fight doesn’t last nearly as long since he’ll have eleven people trying to keep him from outright murdering Bucky Barnes. So, it’s still sad, but not, like, quite so much catastrophe, right?

Instead of making sense, Steve only tells Tony about the fake psychologist when they’re duking it out at the airfield, and obviously, that’s just a half-assed effort that comes way too late in the game. It actually reminds me a little of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (if you’ve seen it, you probably know which scene), and honestly, this might actually be a little worse because there’s a way better chance that Tony would be receptive to what Steve is saying, considering they’re, you know, friends, and no one’s actually trying to kill one another.

And what really annoys me about Cap’s decision is not just that it’s made for clearly plot-related reasons, but because nobody calls it out as a mistake. After the Big Awesome Battle at the Airfield, Natasha tells Tony that they played this wrong, and I’m just like, “No, no you didn’t! Before this scene, no one has bothered to tell you anything like ‘Bucky didn’t do this’ or ‘Bucky was set up.’ Your reactions and responses to the information you had at your disposal were completely logical. It’s Captain America who played this wrong, damn it!” But nobody listens to me.

Moving on. Both teams feel like they’re the underdog, so they each recruit some ringers. Team Cap gets Ant-Man, who’s very enthusiastic about the prospect. Meanwhile, Tony goes to recruit Spider-Man, and these two teaming up might be my very favorite part of the whole movie.

Other than the fact that they’re just hilarious together, Tony finding this kid, giving him costume upgrades, and looking out for him in the big fight ties in pretty well thematically, given both his philanthropy in past films and his introduction at the beginning of this movie, donating a bunch of dough to college kids in financial need. I’m happy that Tony’s going to appear in the next Spider-Man movie. Shit, I can’t believe I even want to see the next Spider-Man movie. (I never loved the Tobey Maguire films the way other people seemed to, and I never saw Andrew Garfield’s at all.) I even enjoyed Tony flirting with Marisa Tomei, although that does not at all negate my annoyance about the unceremonious disappearance of Pepper Potts.

Then we get to Big Awesome Battle at the Airfield, which is just . . . well, awesome.

There isn’t much I can say about it here that hasn’t already been said, but a couple of highlights:

A. Hawkeye and Black Widow have an amusing “are we still friends” moment, which I was very grateful for. I was going to be very unhappy if the film refused to acknowledge their relationship.

B. Falcon, to Winter Soldier: “I hate you.”

I love that Cap’s two BFFs are decidedly unimpressed with one another.

C. Ant-Man becomes Giant-Man, and it’s pretty awesome. I probably should have been expecting it, but wasn’t. Iron Man’s reaction is pretty priceless, too.

D. Natasha betrays Team Iron Man, which despite my annoyance with Cap’s reticence above, does actually work for me because if anyone’s going to play both sides, it’s obviously going to be Natasha, who continues to be the best. Stop screwing with me, Marvel. I want a firm commitment to a Black Widow movie NOW.

E. Vision attempts to take down Falcon but, instead, hits War Machine, who plummets to the ground and hits it hard, despite both Falcon and Iron Man trying to save him.

I have slightly mixed feelings about Rhodey’s fall. On one hand, it’s such a great scene, and it’s good to see actual physical consequences come from such a huge superhero confrontation. (How often does the superhero actually fail to catch someone, especially someone who matters to both the superhero and the audience?) On the other hand, I just finished writing an essay on the trope of Throwing Off the Disability, so I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the pretty quick transition from “Rhodey’s probable permanent paralysis” to “Rhodey using a Stark exoskeleton to walk (with, admittedly, some difficulty).” I think I’ll reserve judgment for now and see how it plays out in future films. I’d like this experience to be an important part of his character development going forward (and not just another rung on Tony’s Ever-Growing Guilt Ladder), but I have a sneaking suspicion that this will not be the case. Would be lovely to be wrong, though.

So, everyone on Team Cap (other than Bucky and Cap himself) are thrown into Ross’s Floating Prison, which is clearly not quite what Tony had in mind when he signed the Accords. Hawkeye is fairly derisive, which is fair: Tony keeps trying to prevent bad things from happening, but also keeps failing to visualize the potential ramifications of his preventative measures. On the other hand, I also agree with Tony: he didn’t make Hawkeye or anyone else break the law. Whether they were right or wrong, Team Cap’s actions got them where they are.

Meanwhile, Bucky and Cap make it to the Secret Ice Fortress. Tony also arrives, offering a truce after realizing that Bucky’s been framed. T’challa, covertly, follows Tony and watches from the shadows. It turns out that Zemo killed all the Random Winter Soldiers; his real agenda was always to destroy the Avengers from the inside. To do this, he reveals that Bucky is the one who killed Tony’s parents, and despite the fact that I already knew this, I somehow never put it together that this big secret was Zemo’s Master Plan all along. I just figured it would come out somehow.

I liked this turn, though. It’s sort of nice, having a villain whose motive isn’t just RULE THE WORLD or DESTROY THE WORLD or something of that nature. Also, it nicely fulfills the not-so-subtle foreshadowing: Natasha and Clint separately tell Tony to watch his back within about three minutes of each other, so I’m sitting there in the theater thinking, Okay, I get it, I see your foreshadow, guys. I just don’t know who’s betraying Tony here.

Well, turns out it’s Steve, of all people. Because when Tony, devastated and furious, asks if Cap knew, and Cap has to admit that he did . . . I mean, I was like, oh, SHIT. For some reason, I just assumed that Steve had no idea Tony’s parents were murdered. This just makes everything so much worse.

Time to fuck some shit up.

Tony, not shockingly, attacks, and the whole fight sequence is so good because it’s fueled by such actual emotion. Seriously, the moment where Tony’s like, “I don’t care. He killed my mom,” just kicks me right in the feels, you know? Everyone gets the upper hand at one point or another, but in the end, Steve uses his shield to break the arc reactor in Tony’s suit. The symbolism of this is not subtle, but it’s effective as hell. Steve Rogers breaks Tony Stark’s heart. Come, shippers, weep with me.

Steve and Bucky take off, leaving the shield behind. Meanwhile, T’Challa chooses not to kill Zemo after all (and prevents Zemo from killing himself), which is sort of a stereotypical superhero choice that, in this case, really works well for me, something I mostly credit to Boseman’s dignified performance. (And when I say stereotypical, I’m not trying to suggest that I wanted to see the alternative. It’s just that vengeful superhero choosing justice over revenge at the eleventh hour is a pretty standard story.)

We then move into the denouement, where we hit my last and probably least serious problem:

THIS ISN’T THE ASSASSINS ON ICE SHOW I WAS LOOKING FOR, DISNEY.

After all this shit, Bucky decides to hibernate in a refrigerator again until they can find a way to keep him from being triggered. I’m not sure how likely it is that anyone else will learn his weird Brainwashing Grocery List, nor am I sure how they plan to come up with any cure to brainwashing solutions while their primary test subject is asleep, but whatever, fine.

While I’m sure that Marvel is setting Bucky up to return at some critical juncture, right now it really feels like Bucky was just inconvenient, so they shoved him in a fridge. While it’s sort of nice to see that kind of thing happen to a man for once, it does feel like a serious lack of payoff to me. Bucky’s finally at a stage where he seems to know who he is, who he was, and what he’s done. There’s a lot of really interesting character stuff that could come from him and Steve being on the run together. Instead, Bucky decides to temporarily martyr himself, and we’re just supposed to call it “peace” because T’Challa says it? Sorry, guys, I’m not buying that, even from Awesome Sauce T’Challa.

Meanwhile, Steve rescues the rest of Team Cap from the Floating Jail and sends a letter to Tony, apologizing for not telling him about his parents’ murder. I suspect Tony won’t be all, “Well, that’s okay, I totally understand now!” the next time he sees Steve, but nonetheless there’s a hint that these two might eventually be able to move forward into a loving embrace. At the very least, Tony seems happy that the other Avengers have been rescued, as he gleefully puts Ross on hold with no intention of picking up when the Secretary calls to yell about the escape.

And . . . well, I guess that’s about it.

QUOTES:

Captain America: “This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck.”
Bucky: “It always ends in a fight.”

Hawkeye: “We haven’t met. I’m Clint.”
Black Panther: “I don’t care.”

Iron Man: “Who’s that? Who’s speaking?”
Ant-Man: “It’s your conscience. We don’t talk a lot these days.”

Peter: “I can’t go to Germany.”
Tony: “Why not?”
Peter: “Because I have homework.”

Bucky: “Can you move your seat up?”
Sam: “No.”

Falcon: “Tiny dude is big now!”

Spider-Man: “Holy shit.”

Spider-Man: “You have a metal arm? That’s AWESOME, dude.”

Tony: “So, you’re the . . . Spiderling. Crime Fighting Spider? You’re Spider Boy?”
Peter: “Spider-Man.”
Tony: “Not in that onesie, you’re not.”
Peter: “It’s not a onesie.”

Black Widow: “Are we still friends?”
Hawkeye: “That depends on how hard you hit me.”

Iron Man: “Okay, anybody on our side hiding any shocking or fantastic abilities they’d like to disclose, I’m open to suggestion.”

Scott Lang: “Hank Pym did say never to trust a Stark.”
Tony: “Who are you?”
Scott: “Come on, man.”

Spider-Man: “Did you guys ever see that really old movie, Empire Strikes Back?”
War Machine: “Jesus, Tony, how old is this guy?”
Iron Man: “I don’t know. I didn’t carbon date him. He’s on the young side.”

Bucky: “Couldn’t you have done that earlier?”
Falcon: “I hate you.”

Falcon: “I don’t know how many fights you’ve been in, but there’s not usually this much talking.”

Captain America: “He’s my friend.”
Iron Man: “So was I.”

Sam: “Bird costume? Come on.”

Iron Man: “All right, I’ve run out of patience. Underoos!”

Iron Man: “Clearly retirement doesn’t suit you. Get tired of playing golf?”
Hawkeye: “Well, I played 18. I shot 18.”

Steve: “You know, I’m glad Howard got married. I only knew him when he was young and single.”
Tony: “Oh really? You two knew each other? He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times. God, I hated you.”
Steve: “I don’t mean to make things difficult.”
Tony: “I know. Because you’re a very polite person.”

Tony: “Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth.”

Wanda: “Is that paprika?”
Vision: “I thought it might lift your spirits.”
Wanda: “Spirits . . . lifted.”
Vision: “In my defense, I’ve never actually . . . eaten anything.”

Natasha: “Tony, you’re being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal.”

Iron Man: “Manchurian Candidate, you’re killing me here. We’re on a truce. Put the gun down.”

Black Widow: “Looking over your shoulder should be second nature.”
Falcon: “Anyone ever tell you that you’re a little paranoid?”
Black Widow: “Not to my face. Why, did you hear something?”

Sam: “So. You like cats?”
Steve: “Sam.”
Sam: “What? Dude shows up dressed like a cat, and you don’t want to know more?”

T’Challa: “The Black Panther has been a protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle passed from warrior to warrior. Now because your friend murdered my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So I ask you, as both warrior and king, how long do you think you can keep your friend safe from me?”

Clint: “I retire for like, what, five minutes, and it all goes to shit?”

Friday: “Multiple contusions detected.”
Iron Man: “Yeah, I detected that too.”

Spider-Man (about Cap’s shield): “That thing doesn’t obey the laws of physics at all!”

Scarlet Witch: “What are you doing here?”
Hawkeye: “Disappointing my kids.”

Captain America: “This isn’t going to change what happened.”
Iron Man: “I don’t care. He killed my mom.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Overall, pretty great. Awesome action, wonderful character beats, mostly believable motivations. Tying the whole story together with a personal (rather than an idealogical) conflict was a great call. Would be happier if Black Widow wasn’t the only female character in the whole franchise that I actually gave a damn about, though, and if Steve had at least tried to explain things to the other side.

MVP:

Chadwick Boseman, I think. There was just something magnetic about him. But Tom Holland was a lot of fun, too, and Robert Downey Jr. effectively punched me in the heartstrings.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Communication is important. You hear that, Captain America? You have a perfectly functioning larynx. Use it.

It’s been years since I’ve gone to Comic Con. I’m always deeply envious when it’s going on, but luckily, the internet provides some of the shiny without me having to get up at the crack of dawn for a 5:00pm panel in Hall H.

Here are a bunch of trailers that came from San Diego’s massive annual nerd convention.

Justice League

I did not like Man of Steel. I did not like Batman v Superman. But God help me, Justice League actually looks pretty fun so far.

I mean, I’m not totally getting my hopes up. It’s super early days and, to my eternal disappointment, Zack Snyder is still at the helm. There is still the serious likelihood that this will be another stupidly angsty, convoluted mess.

But I actually liked Ben Affleck as Batman in BvS, and I really enjoy his chemistry with Gal Gadot. Ezra Miller is working for me, so long as they don’t push that whole awkward nerd thing too far into the ground. And Aquaman, naturally, looks all handsome and manly. Disappointingly, we don’t see much of Cyborg, but overall it’s not a terrible first look. If the movie can create interesting team dynamics and remember to actually be entertaining (and, you know, make sense), I could be into it.

Wonder Woman

And speaking of promising . . .

I have a lot more hope for Wonder Woman, although I have to say that if I don’t like it . . . I might not be going to see Justice League after all, cause, like, I’ve already given this franchise two chances and been pretty disappointed with both films. Fourth times the charm kind of isn’t a thing.

This trailer is decent. I don’t know if I’m totally wowed by it, but I am interested. I definitely liked that moment where Wonder Woman’s all, “What I do is not up to you.” YES. More of this, please. In fact, all of this.

I admit, I’m curious to how they’ll treat love interest Chris Pine: will he primarily function as a typical love interest, or will he get to do more just because he’s a guy? The latter would kind of annoy me, but so long as Wonder Woman’s motivation doesn’t solely revolve around him (and the movie doesn’t solely focus on leg shots), I could be into this. I desperately want it to be good, anyway, considering if it’s not, plenty of people won’t just consider it a bad superhero film. Rather, people will use it as “proof” that female-led superhero movies are terrible and don’t attract audiences. But we’ll have to wait a while to see how that turns out.

Doctor Strange

It’s interesting. I have the same casting problems that everyone has already mentioned, but . . . hot damn, are the visuals in this stunning.

I’m sure I’ll see this movie. It has a great cast, and it looks both beautiful and weird. Marvel meets Inception, you know? But as much as I love Benedict Cumberbatch and Tilda Swinton . . . I wish they weren’t in this particular story.

The LEGO Batman Movie

I’m still worried that this is going to be a one-joke story that can’t fill up a whole movie, but this latest trailer does make me smile. LIFE DOESN’T GIVE YOU SEAT BELTS. Although poor Robin. Someday, Robin will get to be cool on screen. You know, when Michael Cera isn’t the one voicing him.

Luke Cage

I don’t think I have anything to say to this but DAMN.

I’m into it. I’m definitely into it.

Legion

Er . . .

I honestly don’t really know what to make of that. I know I watch basically every superhero show on television, but TBH, I didn’t really have any plans to watch Legion. A show about Professor X’s abandoned son who thinks he’s schizophrenic? Eh, no. Not my thing. Still, I figured I’d check out the trailer at least, and now that I have, I feel like I should at least check out the pilot. I like the cinematography, anyway, and it certainly looks . . . interesting . . . although I do find Dan Stevens’s American accent a bit grating.

So, yeah, I’ll probably try it. It could be entertaining, but if the whole show is about Am I Crazy/Am I Not? Yeah, I’ll probably fall out of it pretty fast.

The Flash (Season 3)

So, now we know what Barry did to the timeline.

Is it wrong that I’m still hoping this is all resolved in two episodes max? This could be temporarily fun, but please, please say we aren’t stuck in Flashpoint all season long. RESURRECT THE HARRY AND CISCO SHOW. Cause, yeah, this isn’t fully doing it for me.

Arrow (Season 5)

Eh. I’m always hot and cold on Arrow, often within the same episode, but this trailer is leaving me pretty much just cold.

I’m not particularly interested in New Team Arrow. Curtis, yes. Curtis can always stay. But that other dude seems annoying, and the girl . . . well, let’s just say that Artemis was my absolute favorite in Young Justice (well, her and Robin, anyway), so I’m far more likely to be critical of her. If they screw up Artemis, I’m going to be deeply  unhappy, and if I’m being honest, I fully expect them to screw up Artemis. (Her background, for instance, is already completely wrong.) Not to mention, I’m not really looking forward to multiple scenes of Oliver screwing up as a superhero mentor and everyone threatening to leave him and blah blah blah. (I just assume.)

I’m still planning to watch, just . . . I don’t know how many more seasons of Arrow I have in me.

Kong: Skull Island

All right, I think we’ve finally gotten past the superhero stuff.

I’ve gotta admit: with a roster like Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, and John Goodman, this certainly has the cast to beat. And I like the general look of the movie. Still, my interest is middling at the moment: a rental, probably, rather than a theater visit. The last Kong movie didn’t do a whole lot for me, and I worry about the predictability factor: right now I’m predicting Goodman dead, Samuel L dead, a bunch of extras/minor characters dead, and Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, and their probable UST alone surviving to tell the tale.

This could be totally wrong, of course–in fact, I hope it is–but if not, I’m already yawning.

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

So far, I haven’t been able to muster up much interest in this, despite how much I enjoyed both the Harry Potter books and movies. This trailer, though, is the first thing I’ve seen that makes me think, Okay, maybe I could check this out. On one hand . . . I kind of feel done with the HP universe, like, I love it, I’ll revisit it, I desperately want to go to Universal Studios and visit Diagon Alley–but I also don’t feel a lot of need to see prequels, sequels, side stories, etc. On the other hand, magic in this particular time period is always kind of fun, and I could enjoy this.

Although. I must say that while No-Maj didn’t bother me so much when I first read it . . . it’s kind of jarring to hear it out loud. It just really does not sound like American slang to me at all, and I hope that’s not a consistent problem throughout the film.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Well, this looks about as ridiculous as you’d expect a Guy Ritchie version of King Arthur to be.

I have no real plans to see this anytime soon, but I’ve got to admit: the trailer with its anachronistic music, super fast action, and 110% Guy Ritchie-ness did make me smile. Of course, I’m not a purist: Arthurian mythology, on the whole, has never done much for me, so I totally don’t care that Guy Ritchie’s probably going to mess it all up. And the cast is sort of fun: along with Charlie Hunnam, Djimon Hounsou, and Evil Jude Law, we also have Littlefinger, Roose Bolton, and Morgana . . . although, sadly, I don’t think Katie McGrath is playing Morgana here. Still, the actual story itself makes me just kinda shrug. I doubt I’ll pay theater prices for the experience.

American Gods

Well, shit. It’d be really helpful if I had Starz, huh?

It’s been quite some time since I re-read it (I’m trying to decide if I want to do it again before the show or not), but I picked up American Gods when I was, oh, 18? And I adored it. I’m so excited to see it come to life as a TV show. This is a pretty promising first look, and I’m very hopeful. I mean, the cast alone . . . damn. There are a ton of great people in it, but I’m just dying over these pictures of Gillian Anderson as Media. SUCH a lady crush right now.

I desperately want this show to be as awesome as it sounds. Please be awesome, show. Please be awesome like I know you can be.

Teen Wolf (Season 6)

Well, my friends. We have our first look at our final season–Teen Wolf is saying goodbye to us with Season 6, and much as I love the show, it’s probably time. Here’s to hoping it can end on a good note. (It’s always so sad when shows can’t.)

It looks pretty cool. I like the idea of a Big Bad that abducts and erases people from all memory. The story is Stiles-centric, which obviously appeals to me. And the Sheriff doesn’t remember him? NOOOOOOO! On the downside, we lost Kira and got Theo in return? BOO. This is not a great trade, in my book.

And finally . . . Dirk Gently

Oh, this looks kind of fun.

I’ll admit, I’m getting a little tired of that one genius detective character who does whatever they want and suffers no ill consequences. Still, this definitely looks offbeat and I think I was pretty much sold when Elijah Wood screamed, “I am NOT your Watson, asshole!” Plus, it looks like there are some interesting side characters (I’m already intrigued by the one kickass black lady near the end of the trailer) and . . . is that Richard Schiff? Hey, it is! YAY!

This trailer doesn’t really jive with what little I remember from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, but it has been more than a decade since I read that book, so who knows. I’m sure I’ll try this one. I’m such a sucker for quirky detectives, although, historically, the weirder they are, the faster they get cancelled. (RIP forever, Terriers, The Unusuals, etc.)

So, Suicide Squad was out for about a week before I had the opportunity to see it, and the reviews in that week were . . . not kind. I’d heard from a few people directly who enjoyed the movie, but overall it was sounding like yet another DC live action fail.

The thing is I’m, like, contrary and opinionated and shit, so despite the poor press, I had to make my way to the theater to try it out myself.

Ultimately, it’s a bit of a hot mess. More than a bit, honestly; I want to edit the holy shit out of this movie. On the upside, it’s way more enjoyable than Man of Steel or BvS!

SUMMARY:

After the events of BvS, Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) puts together a team of supervillains–including Deadshot (Will Smith), Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), and a few other people that are obviously less important–to work suicidally dangerous ops for the government. Things go . . . sideways. And upside down. And basically any other direction that means “not good.”

NOTES:

1. The majority of reviews I’ve seen for Suicide Squad have lambasted it for being a tonal disaster. The basic idea seems to be that David Ayer made what was presumably a typically uber-dark DC film. The studio panicked after the harsh critique of BvS and wanted a considerably lighter film, especially after people responded so positively to the incredibly fun trailers. The studio interfered, and everything was ruined.

Here’s my thing: I actually didn’t have huge problems with the overall tone. With one specific scene, yes. That scene has tonal weirdness. But pretty much everything about that scene is troublesome for me, from its placement in the overall story to the problematic character backstory that’s revealed to the fact that it doesn’t include prominent dialogue that was featured in the trailer, like, come on, dudes, everyone hates that crap. Suicide Squad has a bit of a weird tone, sure, but sometimes I like a weird tone, and sparkly ultra-violence with sucker punch moments of Holy Shit Dark! and/or Holy Shit Feels! is actually kind of my jam. So, yeah, tone? Not actually a big problem I have with the film.

Structure, on the other hand . . . Oh. My. GOD.

Obviously, I’ll talk in more detail about this during the Spoiler Section, but for now . . . just . . . good Lord. The movie has one introduction it doesn’t need at all. Then it has two further introductions when one would have sufficed. It has an ensemble cast to balance (admittedly, a difficult thing to do) and falls spectacularly short of giving the team equal screen time. We’re told things up front that are later treated like Big Reveals. The plot is simple and should work, yet manages to feel muddled with unnecessary flashbacks and action sequences that just don’t stand out. It’s almost bizarre, how badly the story is laid out.

2. On the upside, I generally enjoy almost all the actual characters! Let’s discuss the team first.

Deadshot

Will Smith

Deadshot has the clearest personal arc and the most screen time, and despite being the most softened version of Deadshot I’ve ever seen . . . you know, he’s still a lot of fun. I didn’t anticipate this going into the film, but halfway through the movie I realized that I’ve kind of missed Will Smith, especially in this summer blockbuster type shit. Obviously, he’s acted in plenty of things over the years, but the last Will Smith movie I watched in theater was I, Robot back in 2004. So, this was sort of cool. I like all of his scenes with his daughter (especially the final one), and he has a good deal of seemingly natural chemistry with Margot Robbie.

Harley Quinn

Margot Robbie

Performance-wise, she’s pretty much perfection. Robbie really seems to have a good handle on the spirit of Harley Quinn, and it was a lot of fun for this childhood Batman: The Animated Series fan to finally see a live-action Harley on the big screen. Also, her voice sounds pretty decent, particularly considering Robbie’s Australian. She’s obviously not Arleen Sorkin or Tara Strong, but I was still happy.

Ultimately, I’m disappointed with Harley’s actual arc–more on that later–but Robbie is easily still the shining star of the movie. I would absolutely watch a spin-off film with just her and Deadshot, although preferably with different people behind the camera.

Diablo

Jay Hernandez

So, Diablo has significant problems for me, but unfortunately, I can’t discuss any of them until the Spoiler Section. Jay Hernandez does a pretty good job with the role, though; I’m just disappointed because I’d rather see him in almost any other part.

Although to be fair, while he doesn’t quite rack up screen time like Deadshot and Harley Quinn, Diablo gets considerably more to do than the rest of the people on his team. So, that’s something, I guess.

Captain Boomerang

Jai Courtney

For instance, this guy. Captain Boomerang is mostly around to say a few funny lines and then quickly fade into the background. He has no emotional or personal arc to speak of and very much strikes me like he’s supposed to be the Funny Guy on the team . . . except most of the funny lines are handed to Deadshot and Harley Quinn, which doesn’t leave him a whole lot to do. On the upside, this is easily the most personality I’ve ever actually seen from Jai Courtney. (Which is a deeply unfair thing to say because I’ve never actually watched any of his movies, just trailers for Terminator Genisys and A Good Day to Die Hard. It’s just that those trailers have severely underwhelmed me.)

I could potentially enjoy watching more Captain Boomerang, you know, if they bothered to give him something to do the next go-around.

Killer Croc

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

Of course, even Captain B might be better off than Killer Croc, who’s just . . . like, I don’t even know why they have him in this movie. I mean, I do: he’s supposed to be the big inhuman heavy, like, I’m thinking a more villainous version of Groot: he shouldn’t talk a lot, but when he does, it’s to say something hilarious. It’s super archetypal, of course, but it works and it doesn’t even require a lot of screen time: you just need a few standout moments where he’s totally awesome. And yet when I try to think back to a Killer Croc moment that stands out, any funny line or action scene that highlights his specific badass-ness . . . I’ve got nothing. (The same goes for Captain Boomerang, particularly when it comes to action scenes. The Thor movies make good use of Thor’s hammer. The Captain America movies make good use of Cap’s shield. And yet Captain Boomerang’s boomerang? Yeah, not so much.)

It probably doesn’t help that Killer Croc is nearly impossible to hear. I like Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in plenty of things (Lost and The Mummy Returns, for instance), but he’s just utterly wasted here.

Katana

Karen Fukuhara

Katana’s lack of screen time may depress me even more than King Croc’s, though, because everything about this woman is awesome, and yet we get to see so little of her. She’s a Japanese badass seeking revenge for her refrigerated husband, and her sword contains the souls of every person she’s cut down. (Including her Dead Hubby, who someone killed with her sword. More importantly, she talks to Dead Hubby through the sword. So. AWESOME.) Based on this description alone, I want to see a Katana movie NOW, and yet she has basically nothing to do here, like, again, I’m a total loss to understand what she’s even doing in the film.

Rick Flag

Joel Kinnaman

Flag is the only other good guy on the team besides Katana, and he’s . . . okay, I guess. He gets more to do than the last three people I mentioned; it’s just that none of what he has to do is terribly interesting. I suspect his dullness is more of a writing thing than an acting thing, although I’m admittedly not very familiar with Kinnaman’s other work. (I watched maybe a whole two episodes of The Killing.) But yeah, he’s pretty boring. If Suicide Squad actually gets a sequel, the writers need to infuse him with a personality, STAT.

3. As far as our other characters go:

Amanda Waller

Viola Davis

Viola Davis is obviously a great talent, and she does a perfectly good job with Amanda Waller–like a more homicidal (yet also more emotionally stable) version of Annalise Keating–but I still can’t help wish that someone else had been cast. It didn’t have to be CCH Pounder (even though it obviously should have been, probable scheduling conflicts aside), but Viola Davis is not a large woman, and goddamn it, Amanda Waller is. Admittedly, I appreciate them not casting someone incredibly thin (like Cynthia Addai-Robinson, who played Waller on Arrow), but it’s still frustrating to finally have an opportunity to see a badass fat woman on the big screen, only to not go forward with it. It’s not surprising, obviously, but frustrating? Yes.

That said, Viola Davis effortlessly commands every scene she’s in, and her performance is one of the only solidly good things about the movie, so . . . you know. It’s good and yet vexing, all at the same time.

Enchantress

Cara Delevingne

So, Enchantress has the potential to be an awesome villain. Her backstory is interesting. She looks cool. And it’s kind of neat to have a female supervillain again, like, when was the last superhero movie to feature a female Big Bad? X-Men: The Last Stand, maybe? I mean, you know, that was only 10 YEARS AGO. Oh, let me walk that back: I guess, technically, The Dark Knight Rises would count too. All right, fine, only 4 years ago, then. We can still do better.

This probably isn’t going to shock you at this point, but despite the Enchantress’s potential, the execution is somewhat lacking. Delevingne herself seems fine. Unfortunately, her story is criminally underwritten, and frustratingly, scenes that should be about her often feel like they’re about a different character instead. Also, her Big Bad Agenda is vague and pretty bland. She’s not the absolute worst villain I’ve ever seen, or anything, but she could have been a lot more fun.

The Joker

Jared Leto

And, finally, this motherfucker.

Performance-wise, Jared Leto works okay for me. I mean, I don’t know if he’s worth all this crap (actually, I do, and he’s not, because no one is–method acting, I swear to God), but he’s perfectly respectable in the part; if Cesar Romero and Jack Nicholson both went for campy, Heath Ledger went for Chaotic Evil, and Mark Hamill went for, oh, sheer perfection, then I’d say Jared Leto went for sadistic glee, like, this guy is more about colorfully costumed torture porn than electroshock zappers or balloon animals filled with acid. In fact, he might be a pretty good Joker for a live-action adaptation of The Killing Joke. (Note: I never, ever want to see this. PLEASE never make this movie, DC.)

The Joker is a problem, though, because he has pretty much zero bearing on the plot. We don’t spend a ton of time with the Joker, but it’s still way more than we need for a guy that could easily be cut out of the story. He either needed to do something of considerably more significance, or else be cut down to a cameo.

4. One of the reasons I’m marking this review as a Blasphemy is that I seem to disagree with every single person on the planet (other than my sister) on tone. The other reason, though, is that most people seem to be blaming the studio’s reshoots for why the film failed, and I’m not entirely certain I agree.

Of course it’s hard to know for sure, considering I never saw what the original cut of this movie was like. I am pretty sure that the studio’s interference was at least partially responsible for how the story structure was Frankensteined together, and that’s a serious problem, but . . . despite how much needs to be fixed, there are still elements that I really, really enjoyed. Other than the stellar cast, I liked the colorful fonts, the intro stats, the in-your-face-and-far-too-on-the-nose soundtrack. This was FAR less of a grim, boring slog than either Man of Steel or Batman v Superman. Was it great? No. Good? No, that’s probably pushing it too. But if someone wanted to me watch this one again with them, I could easily do it. If someone wanted me to watch Man of Steel again, I’d demand to get paid for it.

I have been exceedingly unimpressed with how DC has handled its dark, gritty stories, like, I don’t even have a problem with grimdark and I still want to see DC learn how to balance some goddamn humor. This actually had humor. Was it a structural nightmare? Absolutely, but if the studio’s panic is the reason Suicide Squad wasn’t a completely boring 145 minute slog of protagonists making unrealistic and terrible life choices for the sake of Life is Dark, Man? Shit, I’m more than happy they did it.

5. People either seem to love the soundtrack or find it obnoxious. I’m . . . somewhere in the middle. It really probably is a bit too in-your-face sometimes, like, it does smack a teeny tiny bit of desperation. Still, I went with it and I found it generally enjoyable. I’ve certainly been listening to Suicide Squad playlists on Youtube all week, which has led to more than one dramatic lip-syncing of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” I can tell you. (It’s also led me to The Airborne Toxic Event’s cover of “Goodbye Horses,” which is weird because–while I quite like the cover–it doesn’t appear to be on the soundtrack or in the movie, far as I can tell.)

6. I feel like it might be worth mentioning that DC goes all out in this film when it comes to SF/F comic weirdness. Like, sure, the previous films have had aliens (that, for the most part, looked just like us) and okay, a few incredibly brief mentions of meta-humans, but that’s about it. This one casually throws in magic and immortal beings and possessions and monsters and swords that contain souls and all sorts of shit.

This isn’t really a compliment or complaint (actually, in my mind, it’s kind of both), but I do find it interesting. Marvel has this hodgepodge of weird shit going on, too, of course, but Marvel also has been building a shared universe for a lot longer than DC has. DC is still playing catch-up, which means that they’re still learning their own voice (Alasdair Stuart has a good article on that in Tor.com that I mostly agree with.) It also means that sometimes I can’t help but get an impression of ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ from their movies.

I understand this isn’t how big studios work, but I do wish that maybe DC would consider slowing down their timetable just a bit, because while I desperately want them to have a win, I’m not convinced that dealing with their obvious growing pains while trying to keep up with Marvel’s pace is really doing them any favors. Quality over quantity, you know?

7. Finally, before I get into the spoilerific meat of this review, I just wanted to say that Suicide Squad has a decent shot of winning either my Worst WTF Moment or my Most Unintentionally Hilarious Moment; I haven’t quite decided which yet. But it’s bad. It’s so laughably bad.

If you’d care to find out what it is, you’ll have to follow below.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Disclaimer: To discuss this movie in detail, I surprisingly feel the need to also discuss Battle Royale, so expect SPOILERS for that film as well. It was made nearly 20 years ago; you’ve had time.

I know you’re all excited to hear The Most Unbelievable Line of All Time (hint: Diablo says it) but first, let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

We start our movie with an introduction of both Deadshot and Harley Quinn in their cells at Belle Reve. The scenes themselves are fine, but they add absolutely nothing to the story, and it’s distinctly noticeable that no one else gets them. (To be fair, JJ Abrams’s Star Trek does something kind of similar when it singles out Kirk and Spock for introductory glimpses at their childhood, ignoring the rest of the crew, but it didn’t really bother me there. Here it feels so slapped on.)

We then cut to Amanda Waller selling the Suicide Squad (and helpfully introducing us to its members) to two government dudes, one of whom is Jim Hopper from Stranger Things! (One of the things I did enjoy during this movie was catching actors in small parts: I also saw Art Bell from Orphan Black and Hoyt from True Blood, although for whatever reason, I totally didn’t recognize Common as Monster T.)

This scene is fine, much better than the last, except we then proceed to Amanda Waller trying to sell the Suicide Squad to even more government dudes, and while I understand that doing anything in real life requires multiple meetings, there is absolutely no reason to have both scenes here. Although the second meeting does come with a nice shot of June Moone giving way to the Enchantress, so that’s kind of cool. And I suppose it does give us one of our only small glimpses at June Moone herself.

Oh, June Moone. Okay, so for people who didn’t watch the movie and are cheating by reading this–CHEATERS!!!–here’s the skinny: June is an archaeologist who’s a mite unluckier than Indiana Jones, so instead of finding the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail, she ended up getting possessed by the Enchantress. Bad luck, lady. This could be a pretty interesting story for June, but sadly, we barely ever meet her; the few scenes she actually has are almost exclusively viewed through the lens of her role as Rick Flag’s Love Interest. June has zero interiority, which is a serious problem for me; she is less of a character than a waif-like damsel-in-distress 100% of the time.

And unfortunately, Enchantress herself isn’t much more interesting. She could be interesting if she had a unique villainous plot, and/or we got to spend time with her and June fighting for control; alas, June gets no time at all, and Enchantress’s Big Evil Plan is to construct a generic Doom Machine of some kind that will apparently kill everybody on the planet. (It’s irony, see, cause humans worship machines now.) She also brings her brother back to life, so he can serve as her right hand man/Chief Henchman, but he’s even more boring than she is and easily replaceable by any random Level 9 Boss. Mostly, I wish he wasn’t in the movie at all–I think he just takes time away from Enchantress.

But I’ve gotten away from the story. Right, we were in the third version of the 1st act. Somehow, despite the multiple, repetitive introductions, the movie never once bothers to introduce Slipknot (Adam Beach).

This poor bastard. You can see his face in the background during Waller’s second meeting, but nobody ever actually talks about him at all. So when he’s randomly thrown in with the rest of the team, I’m like Oh, he’s a Nobu. He’s here to show that the bomb collar will really detonate, that it’s not a big bluff. The thing about Nobu, though, is that he isn’t immediately painted as such a Red Shirt in Battle Royale; that he’s eventually gonna die, oh yes, but not necessarily that he’ll die in the first ten minutes. So, Slipknot not getting any kind of introduction? Yeah, not so sure that works for me.

But I’ve skipped ahead again: everyone on the team is released from their cells, including Diablo, who doesn’t want to use his devastating pyrokinesis. Harley gets a nice moment where she looks at her original costume from The Animated Series; I definitely appreciated that little Easter Egg. And then things go badly when the Enchantress (who Amanda Waller originally intended to be on the team) gains full control of June and starts doing a bunch of villainous shit.

As far as the villainous shit goes: well, it’s muddled as hell. I don’t even remember all of it now. I know Enchantress wakes up her brother so he can start killing people in a subway station. If I remember correctly, we see Enchantress reveal her true evil self at this point, and then the scene cuts off–but not like in a Leverage way, where we know we’ll find out The Real Plan at the end of the movie. No, here we just suddenly flash back to this scene that I thought was already finished, and learn . . . things we mostly already knew? I don’t know; the whole thing’s bizarre.

So, okay, then the Suicide Squad goes in, and I initially assumed they were going after the Enchantress, but I must have missed a line or twelve because it turns out that their mission is to extract someone from the city. (Re-watching some clips, I realize where I missed the line.) Turns out, that person is Amanda Waller, which I think is a twist? It’s hard to say, since I only realized the Suicide Squad was trying to rescue someone about four minutes before they actually did. (Though I did figure out who they were rescuing before they opened the door. Yay me, I guess?) Meanwhile, the team has been fighting all these weird monster deals (who were once normal people) in a bunch of action scenes that should stand out but mostly don’t.

It’s weird because all of this should be doable. Like, okay, they fumbled the beginning, fine. But once the team starts the true action portion of the movie, it ought to work, cause, like, it’s not a complicated setup. You introduce your characters and then you give them an hour-and-a-half or so of awesome action sequences with the team fighting their way through the city until they come up against the Big Bad. I mean, that’s essentially the structure of Dredd, and it works fabulously there. But here it just fails, and I know why some stuff goes wrong, but I’m at a bit of loss to describe how the action scenes fall down. They’re just . . . muddy.

Anyway, they rescue Amanda Waller, who proceeds to kill a bunch of good guys because they knew too much and she’s a stone cold motherfucker. After that, the Joker comes by in his stolen helicopter to rescue Harley Quinn.

A few things of note:

A. Waller orders Deadshot to shoot Harley, but at the last moment Deadshot realizes he can’t do it (or chooses not to, anyway) and purposefully misses. I don’t fully buy this loyalty to Harley quite yet, but he does make a point of saying that he doesn’t kill women (though doesn’t mind threatening to smack them around, apparently), and he and Harley do have a cute villainous rapport, so I’m basically fine with it. (I will not feel the same about other happy fuzzy team moments later, but we’ll get to that.)

B. Joker’s helicopter goes down anyway, though, because helicopters be going down like CRAZY in this movie. Obviously getting into a helicopter in any movie is a seriously risky proposition, but it seemed particularly egregious here. Were there three? I want to think there were three.

C. Joker . . . does he push Harley out of the helicopter to save her? It kind of looked like that’s what he did, but then he seems upset about it, so . . . maybe she fell? I feel like I should be more sure about this plot point. Regardless, she lands on a handy roof, and he supposedly dies when the helicopter goes down, except that he doesn’t because OF COURSE HE DOESN’T. It’s so obvious that he survives that I actually wished they showed it, because if his return at the end was supposed to in any way be a surprise . . . nope. Not having it.

More importantly, though, this is the last we see of the Joker until the end of the movie, which means he is extraneous in the extreme. The flashbacks we’ve been seeing between these two (one of which I’m not terribly convinced was necessary, at least, not for this particular cut) have painted the typically unhealthy relationship that Mister Jay and Harley have, so I assumed that when push came to shove, Joker was going to betray her somehow. Like, maybe he’d throw her out of the helicopter because it needed less weight, or maybe he’d try to kill her new buddy Deadshot or something. Similarly, I assumed Harley was going to eventually defy him or change or grow in some way . . . and yet, nada, nothing.

This frustrates me on a couple levels. It’s not solely because I generally enjoy Harley more when she has a solid feminist arc (although that’s definitely a part of it). It’s also that there’s just no shape to Joker and Harley’s story, no arc, no nothing. We spend way too much time on this guy for someone who barely impacts the plot. Even Harley getting pushed out of the helicopter and thus being stranded from her team has no meaningful impact. She’s on her own for roughly five minutes, and then the team quickly comes across her, and that’s that.

Moving on. Amanda Waller goes down in her own helicopter (I’m telling you, man, helicopters are DOOMED in this movie) and is captured by Enchantress. The Suicide Squad, meanwhile, is shocked to hear the truth of who they’re up against, and look, I know there’s such a thing as dramatic irony and all, but that’s just not flying today. The characters on screen are so disgusted and angry with Flag that they walk off the job for a drink, even good guy Katana, but all I’m thinking in the theater is “yeah, and?” Because I’ve known all this shit for over an hour. If the movie was going for some kind of tense reveal . . . boy, did they miss the mark.

Then, of course, we get to the bar, and let me tell you: nothing good happens here.

For starters, that funny bit from the trailer where everyone but Diablo asks for alcohol? Not in the movie. GRRRR. ARGGGH.

More importantly, though . . . what do you call a problem like Diablo?

Oh, my life’s been so hard.

It turns out that Diablo has a huge temper and accidentally murdered his wife and kids when he got pissed off about something. This is easily the darkest scene in the whole movie, and it’s really the only one that makes me start questioning tone. I sort of get what it’s doing here, like, I see the (slightly forced) connection between him and Harley, who berates Diablo for trying to have a normal life, even though it’s later revealed that she dreams of boring domestic bliss with the Joker too.

Here’s where I start having problems:

A. Learning this brutally dark history ten minutes before The Big Showdown means that I know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re planning to kill Diablo in some big redemptive death.

B. Despite Jay Hernandez’s solid acting, the redemptive death doesn’t work for me because we’re essentially talking domestic violence that ends in multiple homicide; the only difference here is that the family weren’t beaten or shot but set on fire. Let me repeat: this is a dude who lost his temper, killed his whole family, and now feels really bad about it. Gee, guy, let me get you a hankie; I feel super awful for your loss.

Now, it’s true that Suicide Squad is made up of a group of supervillains, and it’d be more than a little silly if they were all secretly noble or something. I mean, they can’t all be Deadshot, I know. It absolutely makes sense that we have some truly awful people in here.

But–and this is critical–if you want me to feel sorry for someone who did something so unspeakably awful (and let’s be honest: you’ve already got an uphill battle with this particular blogger when you’re talking domestic violence), then you need to start that redemption shit way earlier, like, you can’t just tell me a dude did something absolutely horrific, then have him kick the bucket while saving someone’s life in the next scene and say, “See? REDEMPTION! He wasn’t so bad after all!” I’m a very firm believer that the last act you do in life is not the only act you do that matters, and I needed a lot more time seeing Diablo trying to achieve redemption before I gave a shit about this guy. (And no, sitting on the sidelines not using his powers does not count as redemption. That counts as being useless and mopey.)

Anyway, let’s continue and end this thing, shall we? Flag enters the bar, and eventually they all decide to go on with the mission for . . . Reasons. I forget them now. Killer Croc separates for strategy purposes, while the others sneak in together. Enchantress, sensing them near, bewitches the team with visions of their biggest fantasies: Harley plays domestic with the Joker, Deadshot kills Batman so he can be with his daughter, Diablo’s family isn’t dead, etc. Christ knows what the others dream about since we don’t get to see Captain Boomerang or Katana’s visions, an especially frustrating missed opportunity, particularly in Katana’s case.

Only Diablo can break the enchantment, that magical redemptive bastard. He levels up and fights the shit out of Enchantress’s Boring Brother, and eventually they both die. Before his noble sacrifice, though, Diablo tells the others, “I lost one family. I’m not going to lose another.”

This is basically me in the theater.

If I was a less well-behaved audience member, I would have pointed at the screen, cackled madly, and loudly asked, “What the fuck?” I’m an impeccably behaved audience member, however, so I settled for subtly throwing up my hands and merely mouthing, “What the fuck?”

Cause seriously. For starters, Diablo? You didn’t lose shit. Your dead wife and kids aren’t a pair of car keys, or a few people who died tragically because Life Happens sometimes. You murdered your family. Let’s all be clear on that.

More importantly, though, what the HELL do you even mean, another family? Are you seriously standing there with a straight face telling me that the Suicide Squad after, what, a few hours of kinda working together with exactly one pathetic and short-lived bonding scene . . . are you actually telling me that the Suicide Squad is your family? Excuse me while I BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

This is the most bullshit line ever. It is the King of Bullshit lines. I will someday make a list of the most unbelievable lines anyone ever expected me to take seriously in a movie, and if this isn’t at the top of the list, it will absolutely be in the top three. Jesus Christ, this is dumb.

So, Diablo dies. Enchantress seems to have the upper hand for a while, but Harley tricks her and Enchantress dies too. June seems to be dead for a hot second but of course is still alive. Amanda Waller promptly throws everyone back in jail, although most have special privileges, like Deadshot gets to help his daughter with geometry and such. (The daughter, whose name I did not catch, figures out the problem using assassin logic. I like her. She can come back.) For some reason, Captain Boomerang doesn’t get any kind of good stuff and just ends up screaming in his cell, if I remember correctly. I can’t remember him specifically betraying the team or Waller in any important way, so I’m really not sure why, although it’s definitely possible that I missed or have forgotten something.

And that’s just about the end.

QUOTES:

Rick Flag: “This is the deal: You disobey me, you die. You try to escape, you die. You irritate or vex me, and guess what? You die.”
Harley Quinn: “I’m known for being quite vexing.”

Harley Quinn: “Harley Quinn, nice to meet ya! Love your perfume. What is that, the stench of death?”

Harley Quinn: “Huh? What was that? I should kill everyone and escape? Sorry. The voices. I’m kidding! That’s not what they really said.”

Floyd Lawton: “Stay evil, doll face.”

Griggs: “Ames, If this man shoots me, I want you to kill him and I want you to go clear my browser history.”

Floyd Lawton: “You might want to work on your team motivation thing.”

Harley Quinn: “Are you the devil?”
Amanda Waller: “Maybe.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Boy, its a hot mess, like a gigantic inferno of a mess. On the plus side, despite it’s weird triple beginnings, seriously muddled middle, and just generally uneven structure, I found it much more fun to watch than the last two DC movies, maybe because the bad guys working as good guys worked better for me than the good guys totally acting like villains? I genuinely enjoyed some of the characters, and a lot of the flashy trappings worked well for me. But the story’s structure is just awful. More than half of the characters are ridiculously underused or underdeveloped. The Joker is unnecessary. The villain’s endgame needs work, and Diablo is a serious issue for me.

Believe it or not, I actually do want to see a sequel to this movie. I just want to pick and choose the next writer and director. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

MVP:

Margot Robbie

TENTATIVE GRADE:

. . . C+? (I mean, I know it should be absolutely nothing higher than a C for all of its flaws, but watchability is important, and the fact that it wasn’t a miserable slog of a movie is a significant factor to me.)

MORAL:

Sometimes, you need the bad guys to get shit done.

Also, maybe we shouldn’t shoot for the absolute Worst of the Worst when it comes to picking bad guys, Waller. Magical and malicious immortal spirits who possess human bodies, for instance . . . let’s just leave them out, okay? Try for Middle of the Worst instead.

Also, NEVER GET IN A HELICOPTER.

Thor: Ragnarok

You’ve all seen this, of course. The whole teaser is fun, like, there’s so much going on: holy shit Mjolnir, and all the goddamn iconic hats and headpieces, and the teeny-tiny glimpses of Idris Elba and Karl Urban. Not to mention, I can’t decide who I’d rather cosplay: Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett, or Jeff Goldblum.

But it’s Thor’s absolutely perfect reaction to seeing Hulk in the ring that completely sold me on this movie. I figured I’d probably watch it in theaters, having seen the prior two Thor movies there . . . but I wasn’t particularly excited about it. Now I’m like, “Wait, HOW long do I have to wait for this movie? I NEED JOY IN MY LIFE.”

Atomic Blonde

Speaking of joy in my life.

This trailer looks immensely fun. Beating someone in the back of a car with a shoe really oughta be on my list of life goals. There are so many awesome looking fight scenes here, and Charlize Theron seems particularly badass. I’m all for her and James McAvoy having a comedic dynamic, but I’m really hoping it doesn’t actually take a romantic turn: she seems way too badass for him, and I’m much more interested in the Atomic Blonde/French Operative ship. (Please don’t actually die in that scene where it totally looks like you die, Sofia Boutella.)

I could definitely watch this one in theaters. It looks pretty great.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Warnings: Red-band trailer, mostly for a bunch of curse words that I’m absolutely sure you’ve never heard or spoken yourself before.

This is . . . interesting. It appears someone had the idea to pair Peak Samuel L. Jackson with Peak Ryan Reynolds and wrap them together with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard. It’s . . . actually kinda spectacular, really, although I’m probably only so-so on the trailer itself. Some of the jokes made me laugh (particularly at “I hope they kill him; I really do” and “this guy single-handedly ruined the word ‘motherfucker'”), but I’m not entirely convinced that the joke won’t run out of steam in the first 20 minutes. Interested, but probably as a rental.

IT

On first blush, it looks pretty decent. Hard to judge Pennywise, considering he doesn’t actually talk in this clip. I don’t mind them going a more traditionally scary clown route–like, you aren’t going to surpass Tim Curry, so don’t even try to imitate him–but Pennywise absolutely must have an actual personality, so it can’t all be dark makeup and super quick monster crawls in the sewers. Little Georgie’s pretty creepy, though.

One way or another, I’ll see this. It is my favorite Stephen King novel (except for, you know, THE SCENE) and I get endless joy out of how simultaneously both brilliant and atrocious the 1990 miniseries is. But I’m not quite pumped about this just yet. Mostly, I wanna compare the terrible adults from the miniseries to the adults in this remake . . . but sadly, I won’t get to for a while, since we’re saving them for the sequel, a decision I completely understand but am a little bit disappointed by regardless.

Finally . . . The Bad Batch

I have virtually no idea what the hell this is about, but it’s colorful and weird and I’m interested. (I still need to watch A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. I’m so behind on all the must-see horror films.) I don’t think I know the actress playing the MC, but I do recognize Jason Momoa and Keanu Reeves and Giovanni Ribisi, and hey apparently Diego Luna’s in here somewhere, and–holy shit, that’s Jim Carrey?!

Meanwhile, IMDb is giving me this synopsis: “a dystopian love story in a Texas wasteland and set in a community of cannibals.”

Yeah. I can’t pretend I’m not curious.

Well, I finally went to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2.

I’ve seen people on both sides of this one, but personally I thought it was pretty great.

SUMMARY:

Our unlikely band of heroes are back for more adventures in space. This time they must face long-lost fathers, homicidal sisters, pissed off gold people, and the challenges of raising a sentient baby tree who really just wants to dance.

NOTES:

1. I really enjoy the first Guardians of the Galaxy, but I don’t quite love it the way other people do. Mind you, there’s an awful lot to like about it. The movie is a lot of fun. The tone is completely different from anything that Marvel had done at the time; plus, they even made a talking space raccoon work, which, I’ve gotta tell you, I was pretty skeptical about from watching the trailers.

OTOH, while GotG was wildly different for Marvel, it felt pretty much like what I’d expect from the guy who made Slither and Super. Which let me be clear: absolutely not a complaint. I’ve been a fan of James Gunn’s work since watching Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake (which Gunn wrote). But it also meant that GotG didn’t feel . . . IDK, as revolutionary to me as it might have for other people. And that wouldn’t necessarily be a big deal, except that there are definitely aspects of the film that I do find disappointing: Big Bad Ronan, for instance, is basically the same Marvel villain as half a dozen others, and honestly, I expected a little more out of Gamora’s story, particularly since she’s our one and only girl on the team.

I’m not telling you all this just to bag on the first GotG. Hell, I own it and watched it only two weeks ago. I really do like the movie. I’m just trying to explain what I think worked so well for me about its sequel. Cause one of the most common complaints I’ve seen so far about Volume Two is that, for a lot of people, there was just no way it could live up to the gloriously original experience of watching the first film. I get that, and I’ve totally been there with other movies. Books, too, for that matter.

But for me, Volume Two exceeded expectations because it did something I usually want but don’t get from sequels: it told a much smaller, more intimate story. People making sequels often seem compelled to try and up the ante on everything about the original, which, with superhero stories, usually means even higher stakes, even bigger explosions, and even more dangerous villains. On paper, that sounds great; unfortunately, it often leads to convoluted stories with less room for character work and more room for that extra long chase scene no one really needed and doesn’t make a lot of sense, anyway.

GotG: Volume Two isn’t really like that. There’s a threat to the galaxy, sure, but this movie barely even focuses on it. Primarily, it’s interested in the emotional relationships between our band of heroes. It’s talking about biological family versus found family. It never feels the need to add, like, four new heroes and six new villains to the mix. There are new characters, but the movie doesn’t feel overstuffed in the way that, say, X-Men: The Last Stand did (you know, when they decided to introduce, like, 17 new mutants, plus a dumb classification system no one had ever discussed, plus a ridiculously stupid backstory for our love-interest-turned-villain, plus a whole cure storyline that didn’t work, plus . . . okay, I probably shouldn’t have used this movie as an example, considering how much I hate it.) Pivotally, the new characters in Volume Two never feel like they’re taking away time from the characters we fell in love with in the last movie, you know, the old school crew. We actually get time to learn even more about them, expand on their motivations, their fears, and how they feel about one another. Volume Two is a character first sequel, and I loved that about it.

2. That all being said, my biggest problem with the whole movie is how the character dynamic between Drax (Dave Bautista) and newcomer Mantis (Pom Klementieff) completely fell flat for me.

I feel like I can see how it could have worked, like, I can imagine where the idea began. Drax is the extremely literal member of the team and completely fails to understand a lot of nuance, including but not limited to sarcasm. Mantis is the completely innocent noob who has, like, zero context for anything all these strange people say. Those energies could work really well together. I could see all types of potentially hilarious misunderstandings between them (as well as a basis for a real emotional connection).

And in the very beginning, I was mostly okay with these two. Like, sure, Drax says Mantis is hideous, right, but a) Mantis is super obviously not hideous, b) Gamora assures Mantis that she’s not hideous, c) it makes sense that there are different cultural ideas of aesthetic beauty, and Mantis very well might be totally hideous to Drax, who probably would mention it because, well, Drax, and d) even if different cultural ideas of aesthetic beauty didn’t apply, we’ve kind of already proved in the opening credits that Drax isn’t, like, a paragon of logic, like, his opinion is not necessarily the one I’d trust, you know?

But here’s the thing: Drax isn’t just an insensitive ass once. He repeatedly calls Mantis disgusting. He makes gagging noises to indicate just how much she physically repulses him. The whole thing is played for laughs, but . . . it’s just not funny. There’s nothing particularly hilarious about a dude calling a lady ugly for two hours straight. At best, it’s repetitive and irritating. At worst, it’s downright cruel. Like, there’s a difference between being overly literal versus being a massive dick, you know?

About the only thing I did like with this ongoing gag was how Mantis made it pretty clear that she wasn’t sexually or romantically interested in Drax, so I felt good that, at the very least, I didn’t have to worry about the movie shipping her with this asshole . . . until one line near the film, which made me reconsider the film’s intentions in that regard. Either way, I don’t like their scenes at all, but if I’m actually supposed to ship them? Um, no.

3. That opening credits, though? AWESOME.

I know some people were worried that Overnight Success and Toy Juggernaut Baby Groot would take over the whole sequel, but that never really happened for me, and I think a large part of that was making him the focus early on. Like, we quickly acknowledged that everyone loves Baby Groot and his adorable dance movies with an appropriate follow-up to the original film’s opening credits . . . and then we just moved on without making the whole movie one giant commercial for Baby Groot. I thought that was well-handled. Plus, it’s just a really fun scene that both introduces the tone for the uninitiated and reestablishes it for anyone who worried the sequel would forget to bring the funny.

4. I was also a little bit more into Gamora this time around.

Cause, c’mon. That’s awesome.

It’s not like I hated her in the first movie or anything. She has some fun moments, and I’m a pretty big fan of Zoe Saldana. But in a movie with wildly original characters, Gamora felt like a pretty generic mashup of Aeryn Sun from Farscape and Princess Kitana from Mortal Kombat, and I was disappointed by it.

Essentially, she’s still the same character here. There’s nothing particularly weird about Gamora, which is bit of a bummer. Still, I really like that there’s a lot more focus on her and Nebula in this movie. For one, I’m forever about sister stories, whether those sisters are homicidal or not. (I mean, obviously, we prefer everyone to be at least a little homicidal at My Geek Blasphemy. Nothing says family relations like a little attempted murder between relatives.) It also means that Gamora’s entire storyline isn’t about her will-they-or-won’t-they dynamic with Peter, which is usually what happens when it comes to The One Girl on the Team. I enjoy Peter/Gamora, but that kind of shit gets old real fast.

Also, significantly, I noticed Gamora’s hair much more this time around. I approve. I definitely approve.

5. Also enjoyable: Kurt Russell, as always.

I don’t know how much I have to say about him, in the long run, but he was fun. Kurt Russell is pretty much always Kurt Russell to me, but you know, sometimes that’s exactly what you need. And he works well in this movie. I generally like all of his scenes with Chris Pratt.

6. Finally, before spoilers, we have to discuss the soundtrack.

Ultimately, I think I like the first movie’s soundtrack a bit better, but this one is still pretty delightful. Best of all, it uses “The Chain,” which is absolutely my jam. If you’re judging, you can just fuck right off, because that song’s awesome, and some of us grew up on Fleetwood Mac, all right? The only way I would have been happier is if the movie had somehow managed to include “Tusk,” too, since that’s my favorite Fleetwood Mac song. Ooh, also “Gold Dust Woman” . . . although that might have been a bit on the nose, with Ayesha in the mix.

Everything else I’d like to discuss includes spoilers. You know what to do.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

We begin this movie with a flashback to the 1980’s, which I mostly bring up to say that Young Kurt Russell actually looks pretty decent, and we’ve come a long way since X-Men: The Last Stand and its bullshit CGI. (See, I just can’t help myself. That fucking movie, I swear to God.) Russell’s hair, in particular, is pretty magnificent. (ETA: Apparently, this might be because, according to interviews, it’s mostly makeup with a sprinkling of CGI. If that’s true, I think it’s the way to go.)

I never trusted Ego because I’m not an idiot, but I’ll admit that at first I didn’t expect him to be the film’s Big Bad. I initially assumed they were going to expose him as a selfish jackass who only came for Peter because he needed him for something or other, which, to be fair, is basically what happens. It’s just that what Ego needs Peter for is to basically destroy all life as we know it. Whoops. Anyway, as the film continued along without a Big Bad emerging (Ayesha was clearly never a true contender), I figured oh, this guy’s up to some serious No-Good. Still, I did not expect the revelation that Ego killed Peter’s Mom. Like, that was definitely an oh, SHIT moment for me.

But all that happens pretty late in the movie. I don’t know if I feel like going through the whole plot today, so let’s just ABC it, shall we?

A. I really do love all the found family shit, like, found families–along with Fleetwood Mac–are absolutely my jam. That being said, it does occasionally get a bit on the nose. Just once, really: when Drax says that they’re not friends, they’re FAMILY, and I’m like . . . dude, no, I got it. Theme already firmly established. No need to Bat Label it or anything.

Still, everything else I liked: all of Nebula’s scenes with Gamora (including her backstory which, under 60 seconds, manages to be tragic, funny, and provide some serious justification for her vendetta), Rocket pushing the team away, the parallels between Rocket and Yondu, Yondu’s complicated relationship with Peter, Peter’s bitter longing for Ego, everyone acting as parents to Baby Groot . . . it all works really, really well for me.

B. Yondu’s death was touching and sad, but didn’t quite succeed in making me tear up.

I’m normally a ridiculously easy cry, so I figured there are two reasons for that: one, I watched this shortly after finishing k-drama Goblin, so I was probably already all cried out, and two, I knew going in that someone was going to die, and of the three most likely suspects (Yondu, Rocket, and Nebula), Yondu was my least favorite character, like, I liked him but . . . not as much as Rocket and Nebula. So, when his Redemptive Sacrifice moment came, I was kind of, you know, relieved. Which, yes, is probably not the reaction James Gunn was looking for, but so it goes sometimes.

That being said, he does have a good death scene. I’m totally a sucker for man tears. I just wanted to give Peter a big hug.

C. I kind of wish Peter still had some of his alien abilities. I don’t want him to be immortal or all-powerful or anything like that. It’d just be cool if he could, IDK, make a ball of blue light every now and then or something. I’d be delighted if we discovered this was the case in Volume Three, but I’m not exactly betting the farm on it.

D. More importantly, I also hope that in the next film Mantis gets some kind of Badass Moment of Awesome, because she didn’t really get one here, and I was a bit disappointed by it. It doesn’t need to be a fighting thing. There are a lot of different ways to be a badass. But I want her to have something cool to do, some standout moment that gives her more agency and preferably is somehow plot relevant. Especially because she’s an empath. There’s so much underused badass potential with empaths, I swear to God.

E. The two things I like about Gamora and Peter’s relationship:

One: as previously mentioned, it doesn’t overpower the whole story.

Two: it isn’t easily resolved in some dramatic fashion during the final act. It isn’t really resolved at all, actually, and while that can sometimes be frustrating (since people have a tendency to drag out “will-they-or-won’t-they” relationships for far too long), it felt right here. This wasn’t the moment for some big I Love You declaration scene. Having both parties simply acknowledge that there’s something between them felt like the right step forward to me.

F. I know very, very little about the comics, so I obviously had to look up all the cameos and Easter eggs and the like. What I do know is this: I am ALL HERE for whoever Michelle Yeoh is playing in this movie. Mek checked out the character’s history, and it sounded . . . kinda sketch, so hopefully we’ll be making some alterations. Still. I saw Michelle Yeoh, and I was like yes, THIS. I want more of her IMMEDIATELY.

G. There was one other cameo I cared about, and it definitely wasn’t Sylvester Stallone or Miley Cyrus. It wasn’t even Michael Rosenbaum, although I like Michael Rosenbaum. No, the person I got all excited about seeing in space? John Crichton. Okay, Ben Browder, but still. He played one of the gold alien dudes, and while his character didn’t do anything particularly interesting, I sat up straight in the theater when I heard him talk. Like, I was all . . . is that . . . I think that’s . . . holy shit, that’s totally Ben Browder! YEAAAH! I’d recognize that Fake Sebacean accent anywhere!

It was a tiny thing, but the diehard Farscape fan in me was ecstatic, so thank you, everyone involved in this casting decision.

H. Finally . . . c’mon, Baby Groot is just the best.

How can you not love this little guy? HE’S SO ADORABLE. I want to take him everywhere and make him attack all my enemies for me.

QUOTES:

Gamora: “Maybe this man could be your David Hasselhoff.”

Yondu: “He may have been your father, Quill, but he wasn’t your daddy.”

Peter: “You shouldn’t have killed my mom and squished my walkman!”

Yondu: “You like a professional asshole or what?”
Rocket: “Pretty much a pro.”

Drax: “I say if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antenna will feel this and keep you from being decapitated.”
Peter: “Right, and if it’s anything other than specifically being decapitated by a doorway, I win.”

Rocket: “Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes? Okay, then let’s just agree never to discuss this.”

Peter: “Like, I could use the light to build cool things, like how you made this whole planet?”
Ego: “Well, it might take a few million years of practice before you get really good at it, but yes.”
Peter: “Well, get ready for a 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear . . .”
Ego: “Whatever you want.”
Peter: “I’m gonna make some weird shit.”

Gamora:  “Why would they do that?”
Drax: “Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.”
Rocket: “Dude!”
Drax: “Right. He didn’t steal some of those. I don’t know why they’re after us. What a mystery this is.”

Rocket: “Alright, first you flip this switch, then this one, then you press this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Now, whatever you do, don’t push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we’ll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.”
Groot: “I am Groot.”
Rocket: “Uh huh.”
Groot: “I am Groot.”
Rocket: “That’s right . . .”
Groot: (points to death button) “I am Groot!”
Rocket: “No! No, that’s the button that will kill everyone! Try again!”
Groot: “I am Groot . . .”
Rocket: “Mm-hm.”
Groot: “I am Groot . . .”
Rocket: “Uh huh.”
Groot: “I am Groot.”
Rocket: “NO! That’s exactly what you just said–how’s that even possible?!”

Rocket: “Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the Death Button.”

Peter: “I’m not going to answer to Star Munch.”

Rocket: “Don’t call me a raccoon!”
Peter: “I’m sorry. I took it too far. I meant trash panda.”
Rocket: “. . . is that better?”
Drax: “I don’t know.”
Peter: “It’s worse. It’s so much worse.”

Peter: “I told Gamora how when I was a kid I used to tell people that David Hasslehoff was my dad. He’s a singer and actor from Earth, a really famous guy. It never really struck me: Yondu didn’t have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn’t have the voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasslehoff went on kickass adventures and hooked up with hot women and fought robots. I guess David Hasslehoff did kinda end up being my dad after all. Only it was you, Yondu. I had a pretty cool dad. What I’m trying to say here is that sometimes the thing you’re searching for your whole life, it’s right there by your side the whole time, and you don’t even know it.”

Gamora: “Can we put the bickering on hold until after we survive this massive space battle?”

Taserface: “It’s metaphorical!”

Rocket: “I am so sorry. I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and all seriously saying to yourself, ‘You know what would be a really kick-ass name? Taserface!’ ”

CONCLUSIONS:

Just an awful lot of fun and almost everything I wanted from the sequel. Probably would have been a solid A, too, if not for the really frustrating Drax/Mantis stuff.

MVP:

Michael Rooker

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Family ain’t blood. Family is who you sacrifice for. They’re the people who’ve got your back, and you’ve got theirs too,  even when they steal stupid shit they don’t need.

While waiting to see Wonder Woman (soon, it will happen soon), Mekaela and I went ahead and watched a different superhero movie, one that we never quite got around to seeing: Doctor Strange.

Ultimately? Meh.

SUMMARY:

Dr. Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is a super smart surgeon who’s also kind of a jerk. After a car accident ruins his hands, he goes to Kamar-Taj in search of treatment; instead he finds a whole lotta sorcery and a Cause Greater Than Himself.

NOTES:

1. The good news is that Doctor Strange is the extremely rare superhero movie that’s actually under two hours long. I cannot stress enough how relieving that is.

Unfortunately, this movie isn’t paced all that well. I found the first third of the movie (origins, discovery, training) all a bit on the slow side, and though the story does pick up, it doesn’t leave much time for thematic resonance or character work. Basically every side character ends up feeling underdeveloped, and I never buy the emotional journey our hero makes–which is particularly unfortunate because Dr. Strange is already a pretty boring hero.

2. Cause here’s the thing: we’ve seen this guy before.

Strange is yet another Super Special Egotistical Asshole Who Learns To Be A Better Man. In superhero movies, we’ve got Tony Stark for that. In medical dramas, we’ve got Gregory House for that. In Benedict Cumberbatch roles, we’ve got Sherlock Holmes for that. And while I’m of the firm belief that adding magic to any universe automatically makes it better, Strange doesn’t have the humor, charisma, or emotional depth of any of these other characters. He’s about as generic of an SSEAWLTBABM that you’ll probably ever see.

There are tiny moments of potential for Strange. He brings up the Hippocratic Oath at one point, which could have been interesting (sure he’s an asshole and now a sorcerer suddenly embroiled in a magical war, but he’s also a doctor and sincerely believes in the sanctity of life), only for the Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) to shoot that shit down cold. At another point, the Ancient One brings up Strange’s fear of failure, which the movie could have been building all along, balancing his massive ego with his deep-seated insecurity. . . but really, the only hint we have at that is how Strange won’t take cases that might mess up his perfect surgical record. Otherwise, there’s not much. And because his character development is all quick broad strokes with no real nuance, I don’t buy the moment where Dr. Strange Learns To Be A Hero. His journey has a beginning and an end, but the middle is a hurried, muddled mess.

3. As far as the other characters go:

The Ancient One

The Ancient One is described as “complicated,” but that mostly only works because Tilda Swinton can do enigmatic in her sleep. Her character does something which is kind of interesting but also isn’t given enough space. As a result, there isn’t that much to the Ancient One; she’s pretty easily summed up in one sentence. It’s really only Swinton’s performance that makes the Ancient One even remotely compelling, but since she shouldn’t have been cast in the first place . . . yeah, that doesn’t help much.

As a positive, I will point out that the Ancient One looks pretty badass while fighting in her yellow robes. I’d wanna cosplay that shit immediately, you know, if it wasn’t for all the whitewashing bullshit.

Mordo

Mordo (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is mostly interesting in comparison to the other characters; next to everyone else (particularly Strange and the Ancient One), he has a very rigid sense of what is right and what is wrong. I like that about him because it makes him unique, but he does feel a bit out of balance for me. It’s not really much of a defining characteristic in the first half of the film, for instance. And then I hated his very last scene: it feels like a HUGE unearned leap to me in terms of character development. There’s a lot of interesting potential in Mordo’s character, but I don’t like where they went with him at all.

Wong

I was super happy to see Benedict Wong here, not only because I liked him so well in The Martian, or because that meant we had two English actors named Benedict, but also because I was relieved to see an Asian actor actually speak in this movie. For a movie primarily set in Nepal (not to mention a third act in Hong Kong), you’d think there might be some Asian characters of importance, but really? Not so much. Even Wong isn’t as important as I want him to be: while it’s definitely an improvement over the comics (where I guess he’s a manservant?), Wong is a Master, the guardian of the library, and ought to come across as a stone faced badass who’s superior to Strange (who, after all, just started this shit); instead, Wong comes across more as Strange’s stone-faced lackey, mostly around to be on the receiving end of Strange’s incredibly weak jokes. It’s not an acting thing; it’s a writing thing. Wong has no real arc. He has no badass moment. It’s a little disappointing.

Kaecilius

Here’s a shocker: Kaecilius is not a hugely compelling Marvel villain. Unlike some other Marvel baddies, though–Malekith, for example–I think he had real potential to be, and not just because Mads Mikkelsen played him. (Though, obviously, that helps.) His actual backstory–family shoved in a refrigerator–is basically just one line of exposition and is pretty boring in and of itself, but his goals are unique: unlike other Big Bads, Kaecilius isn’t seeking vengeance. He doesn’t hope for world domination or godhood. He is seeking immortality, but not just for himself. This guy want to save the world by defeating time. “Time kills everything,” he says, and you know, I find that an incredibly sympathetic sentiment.

The problem is that this small exchange is basically all we get. Kaecilius has very little interiority. We mostly see him either fighting or striding around ominously. He doesn’t have much in the way of interesting dialogue. He certainly doesn’t have much in the way of actual personality, and he’s the very rare bad guy where I think a few flashbacks to his old life might have actually been a decent idea. (Where, preferably, we’d get a quick glimpse of his family members’ personalities too, like, I am absolutely NOT here for a no-dialogue, slow-motion shot of a beautiful woman laughing with golden light behind her as to indicate her benevolence.) Mikkelsen’s performance is fine and the goals are good, but the character itself just isn’t really there.

Christine

Oh, Christine.

Rachel McAdams does a fine job with the role–I actually quite like some of her reactions, particularly when she suddenly has to deal with her ex-boyfriend’s weird supernatural shit–but if Kaecilius has little interiority, Christine has zero interiority. She is the Love Interest and absolutely nothing else. She is around to represent Strange’s regret and secret capacity for love. She’s around because you don’t have a mainstream superhero movie without some kind of romantic lead. (Lead, she snorts. Pepper Potts is a romantic lead. Christine Palmer is a romantic supporting player.)

Even worse, Christine has really no bearing on the plot at all. It’s so easy to take her out of the story, people. It’s so absurdly easy. This movie would be at least 20% better if Christine weren’t actually a love interest but instead a totally platonic and long-suffering BFF who’s tired of putting up with Strange’s egomaniacal bullshit. Basically, Christine needs to be a gender bent Bones and Strange needs to be Jim Kirk, only a bit more of a dick. Instead, we get a half-assed barebones version of a love story that basically just drops out of the movie because someone remembered right, we should probably do something  about that Kaecilius guy. We’ll just pick this up again in the inevitable sequel.

4. One of Doctor Strange’s biggest claims to fame? Probably its visuals. Unfortunately, those didn’t all work for me, either.

Like, some of them are cool. I generally enjoyed all the astral projection stuff, and some of the fight scenes, especially the last battle scene. Mostly, though, I thought this movie was just WAY too in love with its folding-city Inception shit. Like, I enjoyed Inception too, but the movie was, what, seven years ago now? You’ve got to add a new element to it . . . but until that last battle, I didn’t think this movie did. Plus, there’s only so many times you can twist or bend a building around before your audience is like yes, yes, I GET it. You can fold spacetime. It’s all very cool, but can we do something else now?

Plus, Dormammu just looks ridiculous, right? Maybe some of the awesome visuals were lost in translation from big to small screen, but this guy? Oh my God, no. I don’t understand how I haven’t heard about this before: he’s like two steps up from the fucking Lawnmower Man. C’mon, who can take that seriously?

5. While I can’t go into too much detail before the Spoiler Section, here’s something positive I will say about this film: I genuinely enjoyed how Strange ultimately defeats the bad guy because it’s not a matter of who lands the last punch (or, I suppose, who casts the last spell). Instead, Strange pretty much saves the day by using his head. It’s part magic, part trickery, and part negotiation, and that’s the kind of solution I wouldn’t mind seeing more of in my superhero movies.

6. We must, we MUST, talk about the medical inaccuracies in this movie. Holy Jesus.

There are so many problems right here. Probably more than I’m even aware of.

(Warning for super minor spoilers here: more because I use a lot of detail, not because I discuss anything that particularly spoils the plot.)

Take the surgery in the opening act, for instance, the one where Dr. Strange diagnoses a patient’s real problem in five seconds flat and saves him from having his organs harvested ahead of schedule. (Something I’m sure that anyone working in the organ donor network just loved.) Now, I’m a unit clerk/errand girl. My job is to find stuff and deliver things and type shit. If I’m actually in the OR, something has gone horribly awry, so let’s all be clear: this isn’t my field of expertise. But.

There are four people in this OR. Dr. Strange and Dr. Love Interest are working on the patient. This is weird because Dr. Love Interest is an ER doctor, and you’d think they might need her in, you know, the ER, but whatever. I initially assumed the third person in the room was the anesthesiologist because, like, you obviously couldn’t do a surgery without the anesthesiologist present and surely even Hollywood knew that . . . but this turned out to be a charitable assumption because on the re-watch, I realized that this guy was probably supposed to be an OR tech or something, so, like, yeah. That’s a problem.

The last guy in the room is the doc who screwed up the patient’s initial diagnosis. This dude’s got a weird role in this movie, like, I don’t really understand what function he serves? And actually, this scene perfectly reflects that, since Dr. Screw-Up isn’t actually participating in the surgery at all; apparently, he’s here to scowl on the sidelines and be both a) kind of a jerk face, and b) the victim of Strange’s jerk face-ness. You might think I’m exaggerating about his lack of participation, but let me assure you, I am not: he is literally just standing in the OR, doing absolutely nothing–with, I might add, no gloves on. Not that you can’t enter the OR without gloves on: you can, and in fact, I’m pretty sure you always do. But you keep your hands up and then someone (presumably the OR tech) helps you get gloved and gowned up, right? This total fucker, however, just lurks by the wall like he’s a jealous teenager at a middle school dance. He even touches his presumably non-sterile watch with his ungloved hands.

Nothing about this makes any sense to me. If you’re hanging out just to observe, dude, stand in the corridor and watch from there. If you’re hoping Strange fucks up and are waiting to spring into action, DUDE. Now you have to go back out, scrub up again, and go back inside, where I guess the one OR tech will stop assisting in the middle of BRAIN SURGERY to help you, since there’s absolutely no one else who can do the job. Cause you know who else is missing from this scene besides the anesthesiologist? Nurses. Honestly, people. There are more medical workers in the OR for a routine C-section than there are for this super complicated brain surgery.

And that’s just the first five minutes of the movie. You think I’m done? HA!

Let’s next discuss the Super Helpful Physical Therapist. He’s the one who just up and gives Dr. Strange the file of an old patient who was paralyzed from the chest down but miraculously began walking again. Maybe, maybe, I could have bought Super Helpful PT showing Strange an X-ray that didn’t have anyone’s name on it, but since that wouldn’t help the plot along, Super Helpful PT apparently steals this poor dude’s records and just mails them off to Strange, name very much included–and presumably address too, considering Strange tracks down the patient in the very next scene (where he’s playing basketball, natch). Meanwhile, it’s important to note that Super Helpful PT tells Strange that doing this favor will be a chore, since it will take a while to get these records, but says, “If it proves your arrogant ass wrong? Worth it.”

Is it though, Super Helpful PT? Is it really worth it? Because breaking HIPAA law will not only get your ass fired, you can face huge fines and also go to jail. That’s right, asshole, you just committed a felony because one of your patients was kind of a dick. That totally sounds worth it to me.

Finally, we just have to briefly touch on the defibrillator scene.

Look, I know, I know, Hollywood is never going to learn how to use a defibrillator right, that they’re always going to depict them shocking a heart back into beating, even though that’s totally not how they work. And most of the time I roll my eyes and move on . . . but to hear Dr. Love Interest protest that she can’t shock someone’s heart because–and I quote–it’s BEATING?! Oh my God, NO, that’s what it’s supposed to be doing. Where did you go to medical school? What in the name of God is wrong with you?

(To be clear, unless I find something actually offensive–organ transplant teams being treated like ghouls, for instance–none of this stuff ever ruins a movie for me. Like, I’ve absolutely never been all “Jeez, this would have been a great movie, but they used the defibrillator wrong, so fuck you, you’re done.” I just have a lot of fun picking this shit apart. It’s like a very particular subset of nerd rage, equal parts incredulity and amusement.)

7. Finally, before spoilers, I’d like to say that I don’t think Best Sidekick of this movie would go to Mordu or Wong. I think it has to go Strange’s Coat of Levitation.

It basically saves Strange’s worthless life, which is the mark of any good sidekick. All the hard work, none of the credit: that, my friends, is the sidekick’s lot in this world.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

I already spent more time on this than I planned (which is exactly what I get for spending half the review on medical inaccuracies), so I’m just going to focus on a few key scenes. First the New York Sanctum fight between Strange and Kaecilius.

On one hand, I quite like this scene. Strange doesn’t totally know what he’s doing, which makes for a fun fight sequence. I particularly like the moment where he brandishes something that clearly alarms Kaecilius, only for Kaecilius to realize a second later that Strange has no idea how to properly use it. This is also the fight scene where the cape comes in and does its job saving Strange’s ass, which is cool.

Still, even with the cape doing the heavy lifting, Strange lasts way longer than the actual Master of the New York Sanctum, which, come on, this is some bullshit, right? Like Strange hasn’t actually graduated Sorcery School yet; hell, he’s only just passed that one proficiency that everyone else completed ages ago, and yet he somehow defeats two lackeys AND temporarily traps Kaecilius? Meanwhile, the actual Master dude gets taken down in, what? Seven seconds flat?

No. I don’t accept this. Crap like this is exactly why I don’t buy Strange’s unusual affinity for magic–because it’s such an obvious plot device to make Strange considerably more powerful than he actually should be at this point in the movie. I do not buy Strange’s survival here at all. (Maybe especially because he just up and gives the evil sorcerer who’s trying to kill him his name. Like come now, Strange. I get that you have a massive ego and all, but seriously? Don’t offer your name to people who want to murder you, especially if they can do so by magic. This is not a hard concept.)

Actually, a lot of my problems with this movie stems from not buying Strange’s heroic journey. The scene where the Ancient One is dying, for instance, and speaking with Strange in astral projection form, like, it’s not a bad scene. Both actors are good in it. But it’s also the scene where the Ancient One pretty much lays out the Moral of the Story, namely that death gives life meaning and not everything is about you. Which is fine, though gotta be honest: “death gives life meaning” stories? Not traditionally my favorite, like, I get why it’s an important human concept and all, but it doesn’t do much for me personally. I would totally be on Kaecilius’s side if, you know, he wasn’t murdering the shit out of people.

But anyway, I don’t have a problem with the lesson itself; it’s that, at this point, I don’t really believe Strange has learned it. I do not buy Strange’s emotional journey here. The arc has been sloppy, so the revelations don’t feel earned. It vexes me.

Let’s skip to the end now, including the big Hong Kong fight and Dormammu.

C’mon. How can you take that seriously. HOW?

This is a lot of fun. Going backwards in time finally gives the movie a new visual element, which I desperately appreciated. The best moment, though, is specifically how Strange saves the world: he comes to Dormammu, asking to bargain, and then traps Dormammu in that moment. Big D kills Strange an infinite amount of times, of course, but that doesn’t free him. His only recourse is to bargain with Strange after all, which, handily, both saves everybody and gets rid of Kaecilius and his pesky followers. It’s really a very clever scene, not to mention one of the rare moments where the humor in this movie actually works for me. I’d like it even better if I thought the movie had managed to nail the thematic arc of self-sacrifice, but we’ve been over that.

Despite the fact that Strange saves the day, Mordo takes off because he doesn’t believe in breaking the rules for any reason. Initially, I was okay with this (in fact, I was happy that there was a character who really worried about consequence, about cause and effect), but because I didn’t know Mordo was a Big Bad in the comics, I wasn’t at all prepared for his heel-turn villainy in the second post-credits scene, and I found it bitterly disappointing. I assumed that Mordo would come back in more of a reluctant ally role, and I thought that was cool because–despite not being fleshed out particularly well–Strange and Mordo’s dynamic was one of the more interesting and original parts of the film, and I was looking forward to seeing more of it. To find out that he’s going to turn Evil in a twist that I don’t think the story supports at all? Boo, sir. This is my displeased face.

Finally, I’d like to say that I’m happy Dr. Strange doesn’t heal his hands at the end of the movie. I was a little uneasy the whole film about how they were going to handle this particular trope, but I’m happy to say that Strange’s happy ending doesn’t rely on magically healing his nerve damage. That was something of a relief, at least. Doesn’t quite save the movie for me, though.

QUOTES:

Stange: “I’m breaking the laws of nature, I know.”
Wong: “Well, don’t stop now.”

Strange: “I’m not ready.”
The Ancient One: “No one ever is. We don’t get to choose our time.”

Mordo: “How’s our new recruit?”
The Ancient One: “We shall see . . . any second now . . .”
Mordo: “Oh no, not again.”

Strange: “Well, thank you for the books, and for the horrifying story, and the threat upon my life.”

Kaecilius: “People think in terms of good and evil, but really time is the true enemy of us all. Time kills everything.”

Strange: “Look at your face. Dormammu made you a murderer. How good can his kingdom be?”

CONCLUSIONS:

It’s frustrating. I like specific beats in this movie, but overall it just doesn’t do much for me. I’d watch it again if someone really wanted me to, but I can’t imagine doing it on my own. I recently spoke to some coworkers who liked this one because it felt different to them than other Marvel movies, but despite all the magic and CGI stuff, Doctor Strange feels a lot more generic than I want it to.

MVP:

Chiwetel Ejiofor, I guess? I clearly don’t like where his character goes, but I do like his performance. (Although I’m hard-pressed to think of a performance of his I didn’t like. Regardless.)

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B-

MORAL:

Oh, don’t be a selfish asshole. Not everything is about you, and when it’s your time, it’s your time. Embrace that, because, you know. MEANING.